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Looking for some advice.

  • Thread starter ShockTrooperInAStupor
  • Start date
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ShockTrooperInAStupor

New member
Joined
Oct 1, 2018
Messages
3
Hi,

I was on here a while ago when I was a lot more erratic. I think I might have moved house since, I'm not sure. Anyway, to keep it somewhat short, I've been out of the 'normal person' game for around 3-4 years now and I'm looking for ways back. I really lost my mind in about 2015. I grew up with a lot of nasty shit going on at home, so I took the first chance I got to get into a university and move out. But after the first year I really started developing bad depression and anxiety (I guess, I'm a lot more reluctant to use these labels). I think I was beginning to process all the bullshit that went on and it really pushed me over the edge for years, and I got very suicidal. Obviously I lost my girlfriend at that time and my life totally stalled. I study music, not classical either, I really should have been part of the local scene and been playing all the time etc. So I was put on a variety of medication for around 2-3 years, which made me gain weight and sweat all the time.

Because of all of this, I became a total recluse. And the weird thing is, I can't stop being a total recluse. I've moved around a few times, I've stopped the medication, I feel better and I want to move on, but I can't get out of the house. It's been quite difficult to try and do that again when you've lost nearly 4 years, I feel like I've woken up from a coma or something and the whole world carried on without me. I'll be 23 in May, so I hope I'll still have time to do what I want, get back into music and everything. I'm also finding really difficult what to say to someone when they enquire about my life or anything. I've also lived quite poorly in those years, I've had to just live off of my student loan which after rent and bills is around £120. That ends this month too, so I'll need to get work, but I don't realistically know how I could explain the 4 year gap in employment and general life experience. Being honest about it will just single me out as a crazy person, right?

At this point I'm just feeling trapped in this recluse thing. I'm hoping someone has some ideas that could maybe help me out. I don't mean to be a bother, but maybe someone who has faced this before might have some idea. And god, trying to talk to people now is so much more difficult. Like, what do I have to say to someone who didn't fall into all the crazy shit I did? I wish I could try and be funny or something like that, but I've been a recluse for years, my humour is that of someone who knows too much about really specific subjects like 'The Making of Trout Mask Replica' or 'The life and career of Peter O'Toole'. I make jokes about cassette tapes for Christ sake, how can I dish out that nonsense to someone at a bar or whatever without being thought of as some crazy dude?

I was also really wanting to get back into dating. Keep in mind, I don't go out and lost any friends that were girls when my relationship collapsed, I suppose because most people don't actually have souls. My apologies, I'm still quite bitter about what happened. Anyway, so I've had to just try on Tinder and Bumble. It hasn't been successful. The most recent picture of me that exists is from a party in 2015 I believe. That's the only one I can use, I hate all the selfie stuff and won't take them. I think it's a mixture of pride and disgust with how I look now that stops me from taking them. I'm still the weight I was from the medication, a skinny-ish person with tits and a belly essentially. I'm also ginger which adds to my contempt for my image, though I don't have those soulless serial killer eyes that some gingers can get. Anyway, so I'm desperately trying to lose weight so I can get more pictures because I'm assuming I need pictures to get matches on these stupid apps. I wish I didn't need to use these, it feels like I'm putting myself in a meat catelogue. I feel guilty when I swipe through it too. But I've been having that same problem (when I got my only match on bumble) I was talking about before where I don't know what to say. In this instance, I just said I liked Al Green and asked what music she liked, but I never got anything back. I don't think this was my fault, but I had to ask the guy I live with what I should say etc because I have no idea. He's obese and has absolutely no problem taking pictures of himself and getting matches etc. I actually hate that, he's quite a copycat (his taste in music, clothes, politics are mostly derivative of my own) so it really bugs me that he has success and I don't. And it feels like he's continuously rubbing it in my face by telling me about it, despite how uncomfortable I tell him it makes me.

Fuck, I don't know, this got darker than I meant it to. If anyone has any ideas of what I could do in regards to some of this, I'd be eternally grateful. I understand I'm still full of jealousy and despite, especially when it comes to people who didn't go through what I did, but I really want to change for the better. Thanks.
 
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ShockTrooperInAStupor

New member
Joined
Oct 1, 2018
Messages
3
"I understand I'm still full of jealousy and despite" I meant to say 'spite' there, trying to type this stuff on a phone so the autocorrect kicks in.
 
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