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Looking for people to be honest to, that will be less likely to judge me

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Willow Tree

New member
Joined
Dec 21, 2017
Messages
1
Looking for people to be honest to, that will be less likely to judge me

Ok sorry in advance for the length of the post. I feel I cannot be honest with anyone about everything I feel and do, but I still want to listen to any advice people have or hear from other people maybe that have experienced similar emotions?

Why I'm here:
I've suffered with severe depression for around 12 years, and anxiety (as a probable side effect as they seem to be linked), in more recent years. However, in the last year or so I feel like my feelings and actions are not synonymous with depression as such...I looked to other mental health illnesses and didnt really fit with most of them, except BPD. Infact, my mother did some research to, and phoned me one day saying "this sounds like what you describe to me, have a look!" I read the nhs website and MIND, and I cried...this was...me! It seems I suggest this to my therapist who referrs me to nhs secondary health care. Which is where more issues began...I saw a CPN who i didnt feel comfortable wiht but no one seemed to allow me to see someone different.The issue is, he would not listen to what I was saying, he seemed to just reject my thoughts and always say "well u have anxiety...so yeah, its likely u will feel like that"...but of course one common factor of BPD is feeling rejected, and I felt like he hated me and thought i was not ill enough to be seeing a CPN and I was exaggerrating how i felt. I saw a couple of psychiatrists, who after a consultation admitted i have "very strong BPD traits" but no one will actually explain any support for BPD or just say they think i have it, so I can at least feel relieved that im not just being a hypochondriac and overreacting. Its a vicious circle, since I get told that I cant be diagnosed with BPD....that i need longer to be consulted with etc etc, but i feel rejected, alone, and these people do not think i deserve the help or deserve to be there. I have been through so many counselling sessions already and I just want someone to say that im not going crazy or making things up.

How I feel:
I feel terrified, regularly, about life,about relationships, about family, about jobs, money.... and often out of the blue I worry about things like being terrified of one day dying, and panicked that i cannot do anything about it which causes me sudden distress.
In my life I feel that no one understands how I feel, or if they do, they brush it off as "Just depression" or I feel they are judging me. I get really angry and upset at myself when i feel i cannot do something or im learning something too slowly, and sometimes i then snap or lash out at people when im just frustrated at myself
my moods can be erratic.
My emotions seem irregular. I get extremely upset over tiny things and cannot control how to handle things so i run away or end up hysterically crying or having a panic attack, and can be incredible depressed and terrified for days. i feel like i just cannot cope with any kind of emotion properly.
I loathe myself. How I look, how i act, i feel like im a horrible person no matter what anyone says, and i deserve to be punished.
I push people away and mess with their emotions and then im terrified they will leave me and i will be alone.
sometimes i feel spaced out and like im living in a dream..things are not real so why should they matter? why should it matter if im hurting people, its all just fake.

What I do:
ive been off work for a year, due to not being able to control my emotions, and anxiety, and feeling that ppl around me, hate me or that i cannot do the job i am meant to do, well enough and im a huge failure. Ive been trying to get back into work because im in financial difficulty, but then this is more pressure on me to get better sooner.
i spend impulsively. some days i do not care im in debt and will just spend a load of money on something which they next day i will regret and feel sick and angry over.
i have self harmed when i feel i have hurt others or when i make myself feel so fat and ugly i make myself physically sick.
i am happily married and adore my husband, but i have this insane urge to feel valid from any source possible, to be complimented and assured. so much so that this has led to me speaking to other guys, sending sexual texts, pictures etc. and not just sexual but also claims of love and adoration for these guys which i do not mean in the slightest, but its like i'm drawn to it...to the lies and hearing nice things in return... its like a rush of adrenaline. its horrendous behaviour, its lies and its self destructive and relationship breaking stuff and i dont want to do it! It rips my heart up whenever i realise im doing this again and this is incredibly hard for me to write. ive only ever told one therapist about it, and i was in hysterical tears because i dont understand why i would ever do this? Im an evil, evil person...i am determined its not the usual "cheating" thing, just that i dont love my husband or im bored etc... im not trying to make excuses for it either, its just like this insane impulse. I feel absolutely terrible and call things off abruptly when i realise what the hell im doing messing with lives like this. I cant explain this to anyone because immediately they will think im some sexual deviant or attention seeking whore. i guess i am, but this is not normal behaviour and i feel broken inside when i think about what im doing.
i feel like people are just perfect, or evil. and either they deserve all of my attention or none of it. i hold grudges a long time and can be cruel and hateful as well as fun, and a helpful and loyal friend and family member.
i get extremely easily upset or offended and am hyper sensitive. if someone sighs in a certain tone, then that could lead me to tears or a rage

I dont even know what im looking for, but im sick and tired and furious of people not understanding, or even listening to what im trying to say. from the benefits people, to therapists, to my family, who try but just cant understand. Does this sound like BPD or am I just evil? Will a diagnosis help? What therapies can I look into...I think i have cut my ties with the CPN and chances at any free therapy via that route. Will anyone ever understand? How do I put a stop to hurting people, (especially the chatting to other guys issue). i only want my husband, i only love him and i want to stop this ridiculous need for the danger of being caught or the attention i get..whatever it is im seeking. is there a support group or forum for that specifically?

Hoping not to be judged too harshly :( Thanks if you did manage to get through all that!
 
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HoggiePoggie

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 24, 2017
Messages
214
Location
Scotland
BPD is a difficult thing to diagnose, mainly because it overlaps with other mental health disorders but again the service should still accommodate your thoughts and feelings of misdiagnosis rather than just neglect them.
If it is possible I would try and speak to someone who you trust to get a second opinion.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Willow Tree, Welcome to the Forum :) I would never judge you and if anyone does judge you, you can tell them to piss off. I opened up to a female psychiatrist once who immediately judged me for having an affair. I mistakenly thought she would be like a mother figure. So be very careful who you open up to.

Because of our past, our programming, we do things like flirt with other men for attention. You are not evil. You are a product of your environmental programming. It might even be romance addiction. In romance addiction you get the reliable rush of attention without a full blown affair. You could look into Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I was in that 12 Step Program for three years. I learned a lot about myself there.

There are good books available on this subject.

As for your emotions being all over the place, that is hard on everyone, including you. You mentioned some black and white thinking. Read up on Cognitive Distortions. There are thoughts behind the emotions that you can catch and refute.
 
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