• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Looking for help

J

Jim4120

Member
Joined
Jan 4, 2015
Messages
24
Location
Texas, USA
A little less than a year ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I have been dealing with the symptoms since I was around the age of 14 or 15 (I'm now 28), but I didn't have a name for what I was dealing with, it was just me in my mind. I grew up in a religious home, and I was told that whatever I was dealing with, God would be able to help me. So when I tried to be a devout Christian, and prayed everyday for help and still had these problems, I assumed something was wrong with me. When I left home for college, I ended up rejecting my religious upbringing, and tried to find another way to deal with this.

Unfortunately for me, I dealt with my problems through drugs. In my mind, this worked, and allowed me to deal with the public and my life and "be normal." But the problem was really still there. Eventually, drug testing became an issue at work, and I begun using k2 in order to try and alleviate my symptoms. This was one of the worst mistakes of my life. After a year of using, my life begun to unravel. The addiction was destroying my life.

I finally begun to reach out to my friends and family for help. I had never told anyone what I was dealing with, because my upbringing and society said that I should be able to deal with by myself. After all, everyone deals with this sort of thing, so why shouldn't you be able. At least, this was my thought pattern. So when I finally begun to open up to everyone, I found that there was no one there to help me. I slowly began to lose all of my friends and the support of my family.

In May of last year, I finally tried to get help from a psychiatrist, as I had already tried a psychologist, and had received some help from her, but it was not enough. I felt like I needed medication to control my mood swings. I finally found one that was taking new patients, but I was told it would be 3 months before I could get in to see him. So I waited. It seemed like forever. Meanwhile, my situation continued to deteriorate, and my work was beginning to suffer because of it.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I met with this psychiatrist. He prescribed me some medication, and it was like night and day. This medication made such a difference in my life. But I was still using the k2. I was addicted. I couldn't quit. He had told me I needed to quit using, and a week later at my first follow-up, repeated this, and stated he couldn't treat me if I continued to use. I tried very hard, but couldn't. I tried to seek help but couldn't find any. I actually made an appointment with another psychologist, recommended by him (for the bipolar, not addiction), and intended to talk with her about this, but the appointment was again, a long way off. In the meantime I would have to try on my own. I was unsuccessful.

When I returned a month later to the psychiatrist, and still hadn't stopped using, he informed me that he was dropping me as a patient, and how to properly taper off the medication I was taking. This was a huge blow to me. It was like a been drowning, and partially saved, just long enough to see that there was still life out there, but then let go to drown again. I had driven and hour away from my home by myself to see him, and seriously considered committed suicide on the way home (suicidal thoughts are generally a part of what I deal with, but the urge to actually follow through on them had never been as strong before). Somehow, though, I made it home.

An incident in November of last year in which I randomly passed out was able to make me finally start to stop using the k2. I have now been clean for about one month. I have no friends anymore, with the exception of one incredible person who is always there for me when she can be. My family gives me no emotional support whatsoever. To their credit, my parents have allowed me to stay with them for the past year, because my addiction had taken all of my money, and between that and the severe bouts of depression, I had become literally unable to take care of myself. I feel so alone all of the time, and for the past 2 years I have been literally begging, crying for help, and everyone is ignoring me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel like I can keep living like this. I decided to come to these forums, because with the exception of that one person, who can't really be there for me all the time (not her fault, she lives 150 miles away, we can only communicate over the phone, and she has an extremely busy life of her own, but she helps me whenever she can, and is great) I have literally no one to talk to. Most of the time I have to deal with this by myself. And I just can't take the loneliness anymore. I don't feel like I have any friends anymore. Except for work, I stay at home all the time, and I don't go out in public. I just can't. I'm hoping that people on this site will be more understanding than my "friends," and I hope that in reaching out here, I won't be ridiculed like I have in other places in my life.

If you managed to get through all of that, thanks just for reading. It means a lot to me.
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
8,060
Location
NZ
Did your pdoc suggest referring you to a drug and alcohol service? I think if they see you trying to make an effort to quit then would be able to treat your illness more appropriately.
I see you have managed to do this in the past which is great,
I have self medicated with alcohol at times, they werent suprised as apparantly 50% of people with bipolar generally have some form of addiction.
I have been under the care of a&d services. Which helped kind of.
I still have relapses but thats just how it is.
I try not too beat myself up for that anymore.
Am sorry that you arent getting the support from people in your lives thats bloody hard. I know you will get lots of support here,

BTW :welcome:
 
StillFighting

StillFighting

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 28, 2014
Messages
508
Hi, I am so sorry for what you have been through. My heart goes out to you. Struggling with a mental health illness is hard enough on its own; being denied support from friends and family can only make things more difficult. I grew up in a society where mental health illnesses are kind of not considered real illnesses; and I've heard all kinds of unhelpful stuff from people. Until I gave up and stopped looking for emotional support from them altogether..

I really can't believe that your previous psychiatrist dropped you.. I can imagine how painful that must have been... In my opinion, he could have at least offered you some options for support to deal with the addiction. I admire you for your strength to keep getting through this, and if I may say so, well done for keeping clean for a month. Are you seeing any doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist right now? If no, is this an option? From what I understand, it sounds like you're having a pretty hard time right now.

I have very few friends as well, and I can't talk about my struggles to most of them, so I know how difficult this is. I'm glad you came here and posted, please, know you're not alone in this.
 
J

Jim4120

Member
Joined
Jan 4, 2015
Messages
24
Location
Texas, USA
Thank you both for your posts, it's nice to know that there is support here. It really means a lot, because I've received so little before.

Did your pdoc suggest referring you to a drug and alcohol service?
No.

I grew up in a society where mental health illnesses are kind of not considered real illnesses; and I've heard all kinds of unhelpful stuff from people. Until I gave up and stopped looking for emotional support from them altogether..
This has been my experience as well.

Are you seeing any doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist right now?
I have an appointment with a psychologist in about 2.5 weeks, and I plan on asking for a reference to another psychiatrist as well. I hope they can help, I have experienced little help in the past from doctors, especially general practitioners who insist on treating me themselves and don't want to refer me to a specialist. I guess it hurts their ego, but if my well-being was really their concern, I feel they would have immediately have referred me to one. This included one doctor who gave me antidepressants (which I have since learned are terrible for people with bipolar), because he had diagnosed me with depression. The medicine didn't make me feel right, and when I told him this, he said, "Oh just give it some time." He basically ignored all of my complaints of how I was feeling. I knew this didn't seem right, and stopped my medication abruptly (again, I have since learned this is not good at all), and didn't see another doctor about this for at least a year (that was over 3 years ago). Now, if I go to a GP for this, I tell them I'm there for a referral, and if they won't give me one, I find another one.
 
StillFighting

StillFighting

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 28, 2014
Messages
508
I've seen this in the country where I live as well. GPs are generally reluctant to refer to a specialist or even prescribe medication, and some of them don't really seem to take the patient's concerns very seriously. It's important to have a GP you can trust, and sometimes that may take some time and effort. I'm glad you have an appointment, and I most certainly hope it helps. Take good care of yourself, and feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk.
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 1, 2014
Messages
3,652
Location
here
Hi Jim,
Well done for staying clean for that length of time.
And awesome you're connecting on here. :)
 
Top