• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Looking For Further Advice Please

L

LonelyGuy

Member
Joined
Apr 19, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Chorley
I did a post last week in regards to my state of mind after a sudden break up from a long term relationship with children.

Anyway it has progressed quite dramatically. 3 days after the break up she said she was going to pursue a new partner. They have both agreed to start it up.

I have been told all sorts about this new male, a history of drinking, drugs and beating women up.

The thing that has me concerned more than anything is that he has been to prison because of posting very disturbing posts and comments on social media about young children. I voiced my concerns to her and said I wouldnt like this new partner to be involved in my childrens lives. She has defended him and said hes a changed person (shes known the guy for like 3 months, from the shop she works in, and hes a customer) and also states that it was from a few years ago.
To me nothing will get me past the fact that the judge clearly thought it was all bad enough to send him to prison over it.
She is saying there is nothing I can do about stopping him from being in my childrens lives.
Is this really the case? Is there nothing I can do to stop it?
It's all happening way to fast, I mean we have broken up for days now! Shes literally never been out with this lad! It's been talking in a shop, and speaking on social media! Surely to me, youd wait a good amount of time of being with someone, to even contemplate introducing a new partner into your childrens lives?
 
R

Roseessa

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 11, 2018
Messages
150
Location
Nottingham
Can the courts do nothing? Would you want full time custody?
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
15,575
Location
England
Hi,
I would take legal advice and go to social services to protect your kids.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Here to listen anytime.
Hugs
 
L

LonelyGuy

Member
Joined
Apr 19, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Chorley
I havent been in touch with courts yet to be fair.

We havent been broke up for 2 weeks yet so everything for me is still raw. Not going to lie I think its ridiculous that she is already entering a new relationship after 12 years together and 3 children. People obviously operate differently.

There would be absolutely nothing better in this world if I could have my babies full time. But they do need both me and their mum equally. I would like to think it wouldnt come to the stage where we had to go to court over a custody battle. But I suppose it depends how nasty she gets. She knows my life is my children.

I dont know how shes expecting them to meet this new male yet with us in lockdown. But I will certainly be seeking some form of legal advice in regards to the male. So I am trying to seek information from people who may have already had similar experiences.
My friends and family, and friends and family are all in agreement with me about my views on this male.
I just cant for the life of me understand how she could possibly think it's a good move bringing a new partner into our childrens lives, who has been to prison over child related offences
 
L

LonelyGuy

Member
Joined
Apr 19, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Chorley
Thank you Mayflower

I recognise your name from my first original post.

I've never been involved with social services, is that a good option to go down? Would they not forever keep us on file?

Obviously the best outcome would be her to see this herself and get shut of him straight away.

I know for a fact if I ever got with a new partner and they had done something bad, I would never ever have them in my life and especially my children
 
R

Roseessa

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 11, 2018
Messages
150
Location
Nottingham
Hi,
It is ridiculous her being with someone new already, I imagine that hurts you as well especially as it is still so raw for you.
Some people just feel like they have to be in relationships.
I know you dont want to go court route but if I was you I would think about it as I would never want my children around someone like that and have offences like that against them.
how do the kids feel about the new guy? have they met him?
With social services you are forever kept on the record.
How are you feeling? I mean really feeling.
 
L

LonelyGuy

Member
Joined
Apr 19, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Chorley
I am absolutely distraught I wont lie, for me family is life. I cry every single day!

I joined this forum last week as i was getting some very dark thoughts. Most days it's just tears but still have days where I believe I've failed my babies that much I dont deserve them and they would be better off without me.

The thing is she said she wasnt interested in this male, 2 weeks before we split up I had found a message of her agreeing to go for drinks with him, he is a customer who goes into the shop she works at, she said it was just as friends which I said was still weird, but now shes claiming because I've shown a lack of trust she may aswel, she even said hes not attractive at all. Shes admitted shes acting childish but that's how she is.

The children havent met him, and wont whilst lockdown is on, but once its lifted, that is when she will be looking to.
It is a very weird situation, she hasn't even been out on dates with him or anything, shes known him for like 3 months from the shop, and talked on social media.
In my first post on the forum I explained about her severe depression and anxiety, and doesnt deal very well with things.
But shes going about things extremely wrong! I dont know how anybody could suggest involving new partners so soon, especially when you hardly know them. That can mess childrens minds up!

I will certainly look at legal advice, I'm unsure on the social services option, I dont like that thought, but then again if i feel theres a danger to my children then it would be a very good option
 
R

Roseessa

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 11, 2018
Messages
150
Location
Nottingham
I am so sorry you are having to go through something like this.
You didnt fail your babies at all.
Its good that you recognised those thoughts and you are trying to do something about it.
The fact you are on here and by what you have wrote tell me you are someone who really loves their kids and you are clearly worthy of them.
Your babies need you, always, remember that.

People are strange at times especially when it comes to their actions after relationship, especially after long term one.
I understand she has depression and anxiety but that is no excuse for bringing someone like that round your children.
If you dont mind me asking does she drink?

You need to look after yourself and your kids. they are the most important things.
The lockdown is good for something in the sense of the guy wont be meeting them anytime soon.

Are you looking after yourself?
Are you eating right? Drinking lots of water? Staying safe if you have to go out?
 
L

LonelyGuy

Member
Joined
Apr 19, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Chorley
I know my thoughts are over dramatising everything!
Yes my babies are my absolute world and do anything and everything for them.
This is why it's so hard, yes I love their mother very much, but it's the pain of not waking with babies to putting them to bed every night, I want and need to be involved in every minute of their lives.
I know families break up, but for me a family is for a life, and I always thought she was the same.
Putting her depression to one side, everything was going so good before this lockdown, she was so excited planning our wedding (August this year) and we had so many adventures booked.

With her on about getting him to meet the children, I keep praying this lockdown lasts an eternity! She thinks I would be like this no matter who she would get with in the future. I've stated my point that if I ever have reason to doubt a person, when it comes to my children I will ALWAYS voice my thoughts to her, just as I would expect her to do the same.

In regards to drinking, it was extremely rare either of us would drink. On the odd time we got a sitter and go out, or a few times a year we would go out separately with friends. Never at home. After the split she has started drinking at home now, and on one occasion decided to go round to her friends house to drink.

I've started trying to eat alot healthier and take care of myself more.
Whenever I find myself tearing myself up in my mind, I'm doing exercise now in the house, or going for walks/jogs. Trying to turn negative thoughts into positive actions.

It's all a case of, I dont feel I can cope without my babies every day. I know they will be fine, and enjoy every moment they do see me, children adapt well.
Its breaking my heart knowing that she is bringing this new man into her life that I font want around my children! Being to prison over child offences should put any mother off
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
15,575
Location
England
Yes social services would keep it on file, it's an option if you feel your kids might be at risk.
I really feel for you, this must be such a stressful time.
Keep evidence for the legal route, if you decide to take that route.
Some abusers prey on the vulnerable, maybe your partner falls into that group?
Take care
 
L

LonelyGuy

Member
Joined
Apr 19, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Chorley
I'm not entirely sure what to class her as at the moment to be honest.
When she first made the decision to end things, it was all the same scenario as when her depression gets bad. Hurtful words and telling me she doesnt want me, the same cycle and always ends up thanking me for not giving up on her and admitting her depression gets the better of her again.
But this time it's gone further than that, shes included this new male now and turning even nastier.
I'd like to think that it's her depression slumping into an even deeper state, but she is adamant that she is happier than ever and nothings wrong with her this time.
Indo genuinely believe she isnt very well at the moment, but theres not a great deal I can do to help her. Might sound bad of me, but I'm not strong enough whilst shes throwing so much at me and now entering a new relationship
 
Mario82

Mario82

Taking a break
Joined
Apr 4, 2020
Messages
3,774
Location
UK
He sounds like a violent and dangerous individual, and she is definitely jumping into that unwisely. I would be concerned if it was my kids too given his posts about children on social media. Hopefully you can get something done about this.
 
L

LonelyGuy

Member
Joined
Apr 19, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Chorley
Obviously I dont want any harm to come to her, I've told her to be careful!
I cant physically stop her doing what she wants or who she goes with.
But when it comes to my children I cant take chances!
I get people make mistakes in life and can change for the better. But going to prison over child related offences I could never deal with!
I have said to her if this is what you want then theres nothing I can do about that, but please respect my decision about not having the children around him.
Plus with the violence towards women, I know that would be kind of her mistake for putting herself in the situation to a known women abuser, but theres nothing to say he couldn't get violent whilst our children around. I dont want them to witness things like that
 
Mario82

Mario82

Taking a break
Joined
Apr 4, 2020
Messages
3,774
Location
UK
Yeah I totally agree with you mate, she shouldn't be putting herself or, more importantly, your children, into a dangerous situation.
 
L

LonelyGuy

Member
Joined
Apr 19, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Chorley
She wont admit it, but I believe her depression is at one of its lowest ever points.
The person I know she is would never go anyway near this lad.
The ironic thing, one of my friends somehow found a post she had made about this very same lad at the time when he was getting sent to prison over the child offences, her very own words calling him a little sick freak! Somehow now she thinks it's acceptable to let this "little sick freak" around our children
 
Top