Looking for clarity, issues with brother

J

jeanne

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Joined
May 10, 2016
Messages
6
Location
Ontario
#1
Hi I'm new here. My only brother died a week ago today and I didnt know about it until last Friday. We were estranged, hadn't spoken to each other in about 5 yrs.

We never got along but for a fair while we had a sort of truce where we would communicate only by email, even tho we lived about 3 hours apart. I hadn't seen him since mother died about 7 yrs ago. He was abusive and nasty to me for most of my life, and since he was 10 yrs older than me, I assume he never wanted a kid sister. I used to try to be his friend but it never worked.

There were many things that happened between us that I want to talk about here as time goes on, and most of them were not good, nor pleasant. It seems he got cancer on his face about 1.5 yrs ago and told only one cousin. It spread over time and he got very ill and spent time in the hospital, yet he never told me about this. My cousin didnt tell me either.

Imagine the shock when I found out last Fri. he'd died on the Tues. and I never knew he was sick. I felt like any chance I had to mend fences was never given to me. I probably would have phoned him had I known, I would not be so presumptuous as to go to his house without being invited, he was very solitary and private.

So I am having trouble dealing with all the mental stuff in my head and could use some help sorting things out. What gets me is he had a PhD in psychology yet seemed to be very dysfunctional when it came to "family" matters.

Thanks for reading.
Jeanne
 
Unique1

Unique1

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Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
#2
Hi Jeanne.

:welcome: to the forum.
I'm so so sorry to hear the sad news about your brother and the circumstances surrounding his passing away. What an awful shock for you.

I'm glad you found us here. I find it helpful to come and write on the forum, there is a journals section too , which I have used a fair bit, it really helps to write things down for me.

It maybe when you feel ready you would wish to talk about the circumstances with a counsellor, I believe cruse are very helpful Bereavement Care.

I do hope this forum proves helpful to you at this time.

With all good wishes
Unique xx
 
Last edited:
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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Joined
Nov 23, 2015
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17,146
#3
Hi I'm new here. My only brother died a week ago today and I didnt know about it until last Friday. We were estranged, hadn't spoken to each other in about 5 yrs.

We never got along but for a fair while we had a sort of truce where we would communicate only by email, even tho we lived about 3 hours apart. I hadn't seen him since mother died about 7 yrs ago. He was abusive and nasty to me for most of my life, and since he was 10 yrs older than me, I assume he never wanted a kid sister. I used to try to be his friend but it never worked.

There were many things that happened between us that I want to talk about here as time goes on, and most of them were not good, nor pleasant. It seems he got cancer on his face about 1.5 yrs ago and told only one cousin. It spread over time and he got very ill and spent time in the hospital, yet he never told me about this. My cousin didnt tell me either.

Imagine the shock when I found out last Fri. he'd died on the Tues. and I never knew he was sick. I felt like any chance I had to mend fences was never given to me. I probably would have phoned him had I known, I would not be so presumptuous as to go to his house without being invited, he was very solitary and private.

So I am having trouble dealing with all the mental stuff in my head and could use some help sorting things out. What gets me is he had a PhD in psychology yet seemed to be very dysfunctional when it came to "family" matters.

Thanks for reading.
Jeanne
hi

I am estranged from both of my brothers too; one of them I loathe the other I don't and I regret heartily what has occurred.

However I am mindful He is always in control. That is his personality.

I don't know what I would do if he died. I feel so badly for you but I also strongly believe those who have passed are still here on some level.
 
Unique1

Unique1

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UK
#4
My apologies, I have just noticed you are not in the uk. So cruse would not be relevant in Ontario, hope you may have something similar should you feel you could use the services.

Best wishes
Unique xx
 
J

jeanne

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Joined
May 10, 2016
Messages
6
Location
Ontario
#5
Thanks for the quick replies! I think I need time to adjust to the reality of his death and the fact that neither he nor anyone else told me he was dying. He had a girlfriend and she didnt see fit to tell me either. It really makes me wonder about people!

Jeanne
 
zombiefishy

zombiefishy

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May 8, 2016
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#6
Hello and welcome to the forum!
I'm so sorry to hear about your brother's passing :low: I can't imagine what you're going through
 
B

butyouseemso

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May 9, 2016
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Location
south east
#7
Oh wow; I can see why you feel shocked by him not telling you about things. Even though your relationship was already quite distant.

It'll take some time and some talking to come to terms with it. All I'll say now is this reflects on him and not on you.
 
J

jeanne

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Joined
May 10, 2016
Messages
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Location
Ontario
#8
I agree this reflects on him and not me, and not in a favourable light either. I really dont understand how he could hate/dislike/whatever me so much as to not tell me of his condition or have our cousin tell me. Ah well, I can't change it, so I have to let it go.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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#9
Thanks for the quick replies! I think I need time to adjust to the reality of his death and the fact that neither he nor anyone else told me he was dying. He had a girlfriend and she didnt see fit to tell me either. It really makes me wonder about people!

Jeanne
my BFF is an Aged Care Nurse and sees people off this earth daily.

A lot of folk do not tell anyone because they feel Dying is Personal. And quite rightly so, we should have peace and quiet at the end and telling people causes the opposite of that.

He wants you to remember him how he was, fit and healthy, not how he became.

please get some bereavement counselling if you can.
 
J

jeanne

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Joined
May 10, 2016
Messages
6
Location
Ontario
#10
my BFF is an Aged Care Nurse and sees people off this earth daily.

A lot of folk do not tell anyone because they feel Dying is Personal. And quite rightly so, we should have peace and quiet at the end and telling people causes the opposite of that.

He wants you to remember him how he was, fit and healthy, not how he became.

please get some bereavement counselling if you can.
I dont actually believe he wants me to remember him as he was. He spent most of his life being abusive to me pretty much every chance he got. This is the guy who called up my husband a few times to tell him what a b*tch I am. Who calls their sister's hubby to say that? His memory of some significant events was altered, things he either says never happened but did, or his time line was off or he had a twisted version of actual events. Some of this is too personal for me to expand on here.

Yes I can appreciate death is private but my god I'm his sister, the only sibling he has, our parents are deceased. I believe it was his plan to deliberately not tell me just to annoy me some more. I feel more like WTF...his actions were not that of a "normal" person.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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17,146
#11
I dont actually believe he wants me to remember him as he was. He spent most of his life being abusive to me pretty much every chance he got. This is the guy who called up my husband a few times to tell him what a b*tch I am. Who calls their sister's hubby to say that? His memory of some significant events was altered, things he either says never happened but did, or his time line was off or he had a twisted version of actual events. Some of this is too personal for me to expand on here.

Yes I can appreciate death is private but my god I'm his sister, the only sibling he has, our parents are deceased. I believe it was his plan to deliberately not tell me just to annoy me some more. I feel more like WTF...his actions were not that of a "normal" person.
id no sooner expect my fambly to behave in a non dysfunctional way than I'd expect fish to fly. It was ALWAYS my fault, they were always perfect etc.

So. I guess what im saying is im too far gone in the estrangement stakes to expect anything at all of my fambly, nor to be surprised when I don't get it.

so sorry you are suffering this way. I sometimes wonder if Regret is in store for me but its just too emotionally dangerous to attempt to heal anything right now. You're always their victim, in a lot of ways imho.
 
J

jeanne

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Joined
May 10, 2016
Messages
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Location
Ontario
#12
I never really expected anything reasonable from him as I'd never seen that side of him before, so why start now??? I made up my mind years ago to move on from him and my mother as they were such negative abusive people and I also knew I'd have to live with the consequences of that, which was fine with me. My life has generally been peaceful without them in it, my focus is on my husband and kids. So, yes in time I'll get over the shock of his last kick at me!
 

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