looking for advice

[happyhappy]

Hi,
newbie here looking for advice.

I live in UK. I am still waiting to stabilise on BP meds. I rapidly cycle. At present, I am in a very peculiar place. I function very well on most levels.....apart from I hide myself away at pc too much or go to bed at earliest opportunity but apart from that...I function.

I think of suicide almost all the time. Certainly at several points in any day. I am planning it. I am very calm in this planning and there is nothing rushed about it.....most of my suicidal times have been when I am frenzied and anxious. I think of when, where, how. The plan is pretty much formulated apart from me booking a hotel room. Yet in the same day I think to myself "how ridiculous...you don't want to do that!"

Now, I don't know if I am having some weird kind of fantasy as I told my cpn I was thinking about suicide all the time and she told me told me I wasn't serious as I was finding excuses not to do it. Maybe she is right....I don't know. But I don't know if I am just telling her cos I want her to stop me. She does make me feel a bit stupid after I have told her.

My problem is....do I tell my pdoc? Part of me wants to tell him so he can stop me. Part of me doesn't so he can't. The part that wants him to stop me is frightened in case he has me sectioned. (hospital in my part of the world is not very nice) The fact that there is a part that doesn't want him to stop me seems to indicate that yes....there really is a problem.

So, you can see I am all over the place with my thoughts.

Happyhappy

 

[Dollit]

May Trigger

Your psychiatrist isn't going to have you sectioned for suicidal ideation unless you are a danger to yourself.

I cannot count the number of times I have written my funeral plans and made arrangements for my cats. I have done this when I've been in manic blackout and not know until I've found the papers. Truly suicidal happens only maybe once a year. All the other times I look for places and formulate plans. It's been part of my life for so long that I'd miss it if it wasn't there. It's an option in my life but it doesn't mean that I will exercise that option. I discuss it fully with my consultant and my GP and the rest of the people in my support team all the time.

The most important thing I learned to do after my diagnosis was how to separate me from the bipolar disorder. It takes time and effort but once you know who you are and where your boundaries are it makes coping with the bipolar disorder a little easier.

 

[happyhappy]

thanks for that,
it helps to know I am not the only one who feels this. (not that I am glad that you do!)
I understand the separation of BP from myself, but I have a basic problem in this as I cannot accept the BP diagnoses. If I spend any time around here, you will learn I have major problems with it. I have been advised time and time again that this is the case but I still keep coming round to it being a problem of 'mine' something that I created. Don't ask me why I would do such a thing....it is all strange to me.
I hope to find some sort of peace for myself and acceptance of my BP would be a start as I would then feel less guilty, it would give me some solace to really believe an illness that I could do little about was creating my symptoms, rather it being down to me and bad choices being made.
Happyhappy

 

[Dollit]

I don't know anyone who has had a diagnosis of a major mental health problem and been able to accept it immediately. I spent the first 10 years looking for something else for it to be. It was only when my current consultant took me on and has spent a lot of time and effort with me that I've accepted it. He taught me that the diagnosis is almost like the day you begin to grieve for yourself, that you've lost the person you were and the person you thought you were going to be and you have to let all that go and almost start again. Once I'd got to that part then I could accept the situation for what it was and begin to move on.

 

[daffy]

Hi there happy happy, I know its difficult but accepting you are ill will contribute a lot to recovery (well more likely remission). Last year i began to accept my bipolar instead of fighting it at every corner and now i have an insight into when my behaviour pattern is changing and most time i can ask for help b4 it gets to a dangerous state. This has meantthat for the last 12 months my I have been able to be kept stable and only had to attend the day hospital rather than be admitted.

As to the suicidal tendencies I think that its only a few that genuinley want to end there lives. Most threats are more because you cant cope with the life you have and want to escape it. Just dissappear from reality. I have attempted suicide in the past but i do know i didnt want to die, and i didnt do it for attention . I just didnt want to be here. Dont know if that makes any sense.

My most recent thoughts would have been quite physically impossible to carry out, so i know they were not real.

 

[happyhappy]

Thank you for replies.

Dollitt, what you say makes sense, but because I am still in non acceptance....I can't accept it if you see what I mean? I have only had diagnoses for a year to 18months. It is really odd, as I was the one who pushed for the diagnoses...I was the one who knew my mood swings were out of the norm. Yet now I won't accept it!

Daffy

As to the suicidal tendencies I think that its only a few that genuinley want to end there lives. Most threats are more because you cant cope with the life you have and want to escape it. Just dissappear from reality. I have attempted suicide in the past but i do know i didnt want to die, and i didnt do it for attention . I just didnt want to be here. Dont know if that makes any sense.

what you say makes perfect sense to me too. I just find all of this so hard to live with. Last night I wrote a suicide note for my mother, earlier in the day I wrote one to my husband and kids. I find I am torturing myself all the time.

Happyhappy

 

[daffy]

Happy happy, please keep in touch with us if you feel that your emotions are becoming too difficult. You can always PM me if you dont want to talk on the forum.

Please dont think your alone in how you feel as lots on this site have had similar feelings, but it doesnt make them any less serious for you.

Please take care, and remember there are plenty of people that love and care for you

 

[Dollit]

HH - It took me 10 years to accept and as someone who worked as a researcher for a GP I went through hundreds of illnesses, diseases and conditions in order to find one that I liked better than bipolar disorder and in the end, thanks to my consultant and my current GP I was able to accept but it wasn't easy. I felt as though my head had been lying to me all my life. I was in a position to be diagnosed with this at 16 or maybe 17 which meant I had it at around 14 but it wasn't diagnosed until I was nearly 36. The enormity of finding that I'd been living a life that didn't feel like it was mine was too much. In the end I don't know what got me there but I do wish I could have accepted it sooner. It will happen for you sooner or later.

 

[happyhappy]

Thank you both,

par for the course, today brings out a bit more normality in me and I can't believe I wrote those letters yesterday! Tomorrow I may be arranging my life assurances.
Thank you again.
Happyhappy

 

[Dollit]

Well HH - that's bipolarity for you - never the same moment twice!