looking for advice

[little miss sunshine]

Hi all,

It's such a relief to find this forum! I have been looking for somewhere like this for ages!

I'm looking for some advice for how to help a family member. My husbands brother suffers from depression, paranoid and anxiety - he has done since he was 16. He has been on and off medication, but his recent relapse is the worst yet. My husband is so worried and we simply do not know what to do.

We live 3 hours away from the brother as he lives with his parents at the moment. His parents are not coping and end up with anger and accusations aimed at him (I think because his dad also suffers from depression, they don't really understand - or want to understand - his problem and there is such a huge amount of pressure on both of them - financially and emotionally as well. The brother is very manipulative in his illness which does not help this situation).

My husband is getting phone calls every day from his mum accusing us of not doing enough and saying we are responsible too, his dad crying and saying he blames himself and the mum is not helping and the brother shouting, crying and emotionally blackmailing him. Its affecting his work as they are all phoning him there too!

We are trying to help, driving him here for the weekend to give the parents and brother a break from each other, booking activities, trying to encourage the brother to see his psychiatrist etc but he seems to be getting worse. He phones in the middle of the night and threatens to kill himself, he lies constantly about what people have said to him and about how he is feeling, he refuses to take his meds or see his psychiatrist and I just don't know what to do to help him. His parents are putting the pressure on for him to get a job as well and have been for some time and I know this is not helping!

My husband is so, so worried and feels terrible that he is not doing more, but I don't know what else we can do! We have offered for him to come and live here for 6 months or so (and said we will financially support him during this time), and offered to find some voluntary work to help him get out the house, but not too difficult (through a charity who understand mental health issues) but he point blank refuses to do this.

There are some issues with him being around some people which I wont go into here, and I worry that this is why he won't come here (and I certainly would not feel safe on my own with him) but I am willing to work around this if he is.

I guess I am searching for some people who understand, but also for some suggestions or advice for how we can help him. I want to support him, but also help him to get better. I know this will be a slow process, but we are willing to take the time to work through this - we just don't know how!!

I'm trying to stay positive about this, but this is so far removed from anything I've ever known, its putting a terrible pressure on OUR relationship too! Please help!

 

[schizolanza]

Sounds like he'll end up in hospital if he doesn't take his meds.Maybe that would be for the best.

 

[mad as a hatter]

i think u need 2 contact his gp or the mh services cause he obviously needs some help in some way u can,t do all ur self ne more

 

[jamesdean]

I agree with olanza and mad has a hatter

 

[little miss sunshine]

Thanks for the quick replies!

to be honest I don't think it would be any bad thing if he ended up in hospital, but I don't think this will happen. His GP knows he is living with his parents, and they wont tell him how bad it really is, we have tried to speak to the GP, but he wont discuss it with either of us... as you probably know, the mental health services kinda leave you to it if you don't shout about it, and so that's what's happening here...

I'm not really sure where to go from here - any suggestions?

 

[mad as a hatter]

yeah mh services can be a bit nitemare try writing a letter 2 his gp explaining everything that,s goin on or even his pdoc i don,t know

 

[maudikie]

To little miss sunshine,

Fro what you have said your brother is desperately in need os psuciatric treatment. I believe you have contacted the G.P. and I hope you have written to him and kept a copy of the letter. If things have not improved I suggest you contact the Mental health Team and again a letter and keeping a copy is wise. It may be that he needs to go into hospital for assessment and stabilisatin on medication. It is essential that he keeps to his medication. At the same time it would be a good thing for your parents to have a visit from the Mental health Team. It is not a good thing for them to shout at him, no matter how exasperated they may feel. People with your brother's mental health problem need some degree of quiet+, and what we call no E.E.(Expressed Emotion) There is a very good website for information at www.schizophreniawatch. This will explain his illness to you and many steps you can take to get help. I would advise you not to have him to stay with you, at least ntil he has professional help. It sounds as though he shold be in hospital for assessment. At the same time whoever is going to behis carer/s should also ask for a carer's assessment of need. If the poor lad is ill he can't help acting as he does, but GET PROFESSIONAL HELP.
Good luckk and best wishes.