looking for advice/thoughts

[happyhappy]

Hi,
I know I haven't been posting long but I am looking for advice with a prob of mine.

I got shrink tomorrow. Last time I saw him, he was very dismissive of me (maybe..) and just put my verbalised fears down to me 'having a disease'. The thing is, I don't know if he really was dismissive or if it was just part of the paranoia I have had going on recently.

In between times, I accussed a member of the MHT of spying on me. This fear had been building up over about 2-3 weeks increasing in intensity. I made myself ill over it. The paranoia is not completely gone.....even as I write this, I think she is reading it and will share it with all the rest of the MHT and laugh at me. It is however, less intrusive than it was a week ago. I see her again tomorrow and I am dreading it as I am mortified that I accussed her in the first place.....yet I can't get that feeling out of my head.

After I see her, I see the shrink. I don't know whether to mention it to him or not. There are too many scenarios that are buzzing in my headand I can't sort them out.

1. I tell him I am fine and he knows I am not cos this other one has told him about last week.

2. I tell him I am fine and really I am not and he should be up to speed with my MH.

3. I tell him about these feelings and he want to ups my anti psychotics which I am struggling with anyway, so I will refuse and I will be put down as 'non compliant' and I am awaiting DVLA decision.

4. I tell him and he just brushes it away and I get all edgy thinking he is dismissing me and it makes my paranoia/fear of them all dismissing/laughing at me all intrusive again.

I could probably go on but I am in danger of accelarating this head of mine anyway. Here goes for a night of rumination!

I don't know what to do. In amongst all of this are my fears I am not BP and am being falsely medicated but I am aware that I am sounding slighltly unhinged. But if I was unhinged....would I be aware of it? If I know that something is not quite right....does that mean I am ok?

Happy

 

[lucid scream]

how long have you been seeing shrinks and such, happy?
they have a (bad) habit of drug first, figure out whats really wrong later.
BUT, they have to have a diagnosis before the state will allow them to drug.
so often, the first diagnosis is off. and it can be way off. i was in treatment for a full 3 years before an accurate diagnosis was given. of course, i resisted treatment for a long time. there were several times when i went off meds because i didnt think they helped. every time i ended up in a psych ward.
i take my meds now, and things are looking much better. i recently completed a training program for a commercial drivers license and am working and starting to make really good money, which will get my family out of the welfare system.
it only seems hopeless, happy. its not. it will take time, though.

 

[Dollit]

I think it's important that the team have an accurate picture of how you are - it won't necessarily be a case of just upping the meds. And if you really were unhinged I don't think you'd know, I think you'd think it was normal. You seem quite self-aware and recognize that things aren't necessarily how they appear. How about you just suggest to the psych that you're finding things hard because your perception is off? Then you can take it from there and as far as you feel comfortable with. Let us know how it goes. And Lucid is right, sometimes it takes a while to get things right but in the meantime they have to do something.

 

[happyhappy]

Hi,
Lucid, I have been seeing shrinks for @2 years. Been dx BP @ 1- 1 1/2.

I had appt. He was horrified. My admission of accusing someone of spying on me on the internet combined with a letter he had received telling him of me being unconvinced I had BP, was enough to make him get very serious indeed.

I spent my appt arguing with him whether I had a justified anxiety, or an irrattional paranoia. Whether I had an anxiety depression or BP. He drew me charts, he gave me explanations, he tried really hard but in the end I just upped and said 'I want to go now or I am going to cry'

So....my meds are upped, I have to see him in a week and the watch on me will be upped as he doesn't trust me to continiue to take my meds.

I can't stand this. I hate the chemicals running in my body and brain. I feel so strongly that I could get over this if I really really tried. I am so sorry if this upsets anyone, I just can't get the idea I am not BP out of my head.

Happy

 

[Dollit]

You are really in the early stages of the grieving process over this. I fought my diagnosis for 10 years and I wanted to have anything but Bipolar 1, anything. I used to research for a GP so I found myself some lovely things to have rather than BP1. In the end I realised, though I don't know how, that I had to fight the disorder and not the diagnosis. I felt as though my whole life had been one long lie and that I had no idea if I'd lived it as me or somebody else. I have a fantastic consultant who involves me in every stage of my illness and wellness including choices about my medication or lack of it.

It's not about effort or wanting to get over something and it's just not possible. Bipolar Disorder is like being in a one way street you have to keep going in the right direction in order to be able to emerge from the other end.

It's not a diagnosis that will go away or suddenly clear up over night but it is possible to live with it. I can't do a lot of the things that I used to do - I can't work for a living anymore and I get really tired and tearful if I do too much but I do some really worthwhile work as a volunteer and have made some amazing friends that I wouldn't have if I didn't have this.

Once my bipolar disorder was like a mill stone round my neck, these days it's a bit more of a life belt.

 

[sweet insanity]

I know exactly how you are feeling....I´ve also experimented with going of and on pills...But the pills are definately not helping me..awareness of my symptoms and how I navigate through highs or lows without being comitted. But it is still a big problem for me so much that I can´t have a job...
But even though the meds are not working for me, I´m still on meds...I don´t dare upsetting the disease because one never knows. All I wanted to say is don´t quit taking the drugs...and listen to the doctor...He is a sane voice in the complicated life I think you are living..


--Stella--

 

[happyhappy]

Hi,
thanks dollit and stella.
everything you both say makes sense except

and listen to the doctor...He is a sane voice in the complicated life I think you are living..

I think he is my madness! I think he is keeping me BP when he might be wrong. He has me drugged and compliant and I don't know why.

Sorry, head is buzzing. I know something is wrong with me. Maybe you are right Dollit and I just need more time to come to terms.

Thanks

Happyhappy