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Looking for advice on what I'm going through please

C

Charlene89

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Joined
Oct 28, 2018
Messages
42
I'll try hard to keep this short.

I met a man in September through a friend. We've seen eachother a few times but have developed a strong connection through our phones through this madness (Corona) we've fallen in love. We've exchanged gifts. We've talked about the good and the bad. We have listened to eachothers darkest moments. Although I'm actually ok mostly where as he has a list of problems.

He has chronic back pain and pain killers knock him out so he can't take the ones that help. They also make him miserable.

He's depressed and has been long term. He's under the drs for this and on meds.

He's 8 months into alcoholic recovery after a suicide attempt.

I'm not painting a great picture here but honestly he's the most beautiful soul. I fell for him instantly. He's funny. He's kind. He's thoughtful. He's wise. He's honest. He's abit blunt. We've just gelled. He's like a best friend. We talk alot. We are in regular contact and fully have discussed a future. We both have felt like this is the first time in our lives we've clicked like this. It's been an amazing feeling.

But unfortunately since Christmas we are onto a second episode where he's not coping. He snapped out of it in 3-4 days last time. We are now on day 4. He's alot happier today. But I can't forget some of things he's said.

He has been very defensive when he calls or I call. Snappy. Disregarding any issues I'm having. Telling me my life is easy. Telling me I'm young and have my whole life Infront of me like I'm wasting my time on him. He said I'm the only person be argues with. Although today he's said we've never argued we just have had disagreements a couple of times.

But what upsets me the most is how he goes ice cold. It's very much everyone annoys me. My phone annoys me. I don't want to message people. He told me tonight he can't stand small talk. He hates having cups of tea with people. He used me as an example for that. Something about if I wanted him to come here for a cuppa he'd be like can I go now. He said when people go to his he's often just hoping they go again soon. Yet he hates being alone. Hates being home too much?

Later in the conversation he said he didn't mean me with the tea thing.

I sort of kindly asked if he was sure he wanted this. I said I'm more than happy to just be your friend. I dont want to smoother you If you are not ready for more and want to be alone. (He had stated he was currently single and wanted someone properly yesterday) he said to me if love means the same to me as him I wouldn't be asking that. He Insisted he wants me. He loves me to bits. He hopes for a future with me. Etc etc. We've been taking it slow as I'm recently seperated from my children's dad.

He also has no desire to message at the moment. Which is fine. I've told him he's fine. To contact me when he's in the mood to chat. He wants me to continue to message him and stay in touch. I can't get my head around this either.

So basically. It's like he's acting like people including me do his head in. But then suddenly He doesn't mean me. He loves me. I'm different.

Then he's acting unstable and defeated yet is really hurt when I doubt the future.

He doesn't want to talk yet he takes it really badly when I offer space.

He's keeping me guessing with contact and I hate it. I'm constantly over thinking it. Making sure I give a little but not too much.

As I say out of all the time we've been involved he's been so lovely most of the time. It is probably about 7-10 days in total he's been hard work.

I know it's his depression talking this week. But I'm finding it hard and would really like some guidance. Opinions. Advice.

Thank you so much.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Maybe when he says unkind things, you should leave or end the call and say calmly why.

Then say to call you when he is feeling less agitated.
 
C

celticlass

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He's an alcoholic who is not yet a year sober. I don't know how long he drank for but some say it can take about the same time to sort yourself out! So if he drank 5 years then allow 5 years etc I think you need to be discussing his ment health with him if you are considering a future with him. It sounds like there is darker side to his personality and that sometimes you are walking on eggshells around him. This will in time take a toll on your mental health. This reminds me very much of my so called relationship with an ex. I am more than 5 years into recovery as an alcoholic. This person is recovered drug addi t and alcoholic. He had an awful childhood and much trauma. I love him still but we are not now connected. The thing is I really felt that he would be classified BPD and finds it very difficult to handle issues that well people can cope with. I know that he is now taking steps to handle and manage his own life. Perhaps this is what your guy needs. I would back off a little unless you want to be his carer.
 
N

Nukelavee

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Dec 17, 2019
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sometimes, it's a test. Seeing how much you really care. It's a reaction to insecurity about a connection. It's not they don't care, it's a fear they may care too much in case it doesn't work.

You push people to see how much you can trust them. There's a fear that just as they "relax" enough to trust you, you'll ditch them.

Basically.

I could be wrong, I'm just saying it's possible he's acting like this because he's scared he'll wreck things. It makes sense when you are in that headspace.

Or it could be completely or partly self-destruction, doing it because it hurts him, too.

Things to consider.

But - it's not you. don't let this set off any issues you might have of your own.
 
soul searching

soul searching

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Hi Charlene89! Seems like he's really struggling. Is he getting professional help? Do you feel like he is abusive? If you decide to stay with him, realize that you will probably have to put up with a lot more of this kind of behavior. You could fall into a care-taker roll. If you feel he is worth it, if you really love him, you could try to help him. Just remember that you and your feelings matter too. I felt something of a red flag in there. So, do remember to take care of yourself.
 
C

Charlene89

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Oct 28, 2018
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Hello. I appreciate all the suggestions.

I didn't know about the year sober thing until we were six weeks involved. I was a little worried when I realised but felt at the time he was doing ok. But I am starting to feel he's just emotionally not able to cope. Which is obvious with mental health. I always knew there were harder days with him ahead. I'm just starting to feel like it's happening too much in what should be this lovely time getting to know eachother.

I feel like he isn't able to express where he is at. He tries and we talked about eating well this week. He actually took it well. He said sometimes he doesn't realise he needs to care for himself and he realised he needed to do that.

Support wise he said he took it all at the time. He goes to a pain management clinic sometimes. He has had therapy and support after it happened. He was in hospital many times last year.

I feel like he's particularly struggling this week. I am concerned but I don't think he's getting any help. He's quite stubborn. He's tends to just go to work and insist he is ok. When he's off work I've noticed he's terrible. Weekends in particular. He will often sleep the day away. I'm starting to realise writing this that he could be alot worse than I understand. .

We had a nice chat on the phone last night. He told me to message if I wanted. He said he was just going to chill. He text to tell me his plans for today. I replied. He sent the last message if you get me. I didn't acknowledge it because there was nothing to say. I had a bath. Then text him to say goodnight. This was on Facebook. My message has sent but not been delivered. Which has been happening since Saturday at night. So he's clearly decided to mute it or turn it off. Which is ok. But I'm struggling to understand why he's also doing that and not just putting it on silent. When he's not like this he will wake in the night at least once for a drink and he always sends me a heart. So I know by his choice last night that despite our phone call he's gone to bed feeling he needs to escape again. Again it makes me feel he's too fragile. How can I trust I can rely on him in life when I couldn't get hold of him in these times when he's turning his phone off? Don't get me wrong I get it. But I feel he shouldn't be causing me worry and should say he's switching messages off? Then everyone is clear.

I'm sorry to ramble. I know I need to give it up. But I feel he's not in the right place to hear it. So perhaps I just need to cut my effort right down with contact and try and let it gradually fade naturally?

I don't know how to help him and he's very strong minded. He's already cut off family members although he talks to alot of his cousins. Perhaps he's just not nice to his nearest and dearest.

Thanks for reading.
 
Barny67

Barny67

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I feel he should be getting professional help for his mh problems and for his on going support for his alcoholism.
There are many pit falls ahead for him, strap yourself in if you intend to stick around. Tc.
 
L

LadyDomino

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I can't remember what I was like at the 8 month sober point, but my husband says I was in a bad place. I was also diagnosed Bi-Polar about this time. Alcohol hid a multitude of problems - it was self-medicating.

Coming off the alcohol may well be allowing underlying mental health problems to come to the surface.

Also the painkillers could lead to a reliance/addiction to them, its something his doctor should be aware of.
 
C

Charlene89

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Thank you. His Dr told him to come off the tablets because he can't function on them at all. So he's not taken any since Sunday.

Had a brief chat on the phone this morning. Nothing much in terms of messaging. He's normally sending work selfies. Videos. Saying nice things. Saying he loves me. Nothing like that is happening. He normally will ask if I'll call him at some point too. Just hard work!

I'm emotionally accepting today I can't do anymore and need to walk away. He's not in a good place. He seems to think it's changing nothing with us. But it is. Because without the love and affection we have nothing. I feel like all contact I'm making is now to check in on him since Saturday. I don't know why he wants to keep me in his life. There's clearly no time for romance etc.

I feel sad and want a good cry. But I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to keep it polite and friendly. I can see he's not going to be coming back to me anytime soon.

In your opinions and experiences should I tell him it's over or just let it naturally fade out?

I don't want him to relapse. I want to do it carefully and gently.
 
L

LadyDomino

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Simple question to ask is do you love him enough to be with him through better and worse?

As he has only been off the tableys for 4 days, it really is difficult to tell whether he has got over the withdrawel from them - I know from changes in my meds over the years it can easily take 14 days or more to get over the side effects. Withdrawel side effects made me behave strangely and feel like the world was coming to an end.
 
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Charlene89

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Simple question to ask is do you love him enough to be with him through better and worse?

As he has only been off the tableys for 4 days, it really is difficult to tell whether he has got over the withdrawel from them - I know from changes in my meds over the years it can easily take 14 days or more to get over the side effects. Withdrawel side effects made me behave strangely and feel like the world was coming to an end.

That's a very interesting and valid point. It could well be something like that. I've spoken with him just now and he's insisting that he doesn't need to be alone or concentrate on himself. He still wants us etc. So I guess it's a case of seeing what he is like over the next few days. Perhaps he will alter and come back to me. But emotionally I'm not hanging on as much now. I feel if I let go my end then I'll hurt less if it doesn't improve.

I'm trying to protect him whilst trying to protect myself. It's really tough. I just miss him so much as he used to be. I am going to leave him to it abit tonight. See if he makes any contact.
 
C

Charlene89

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Last week I was so in love with him. But it's hard to feel love this week. I obviously love him but it's just an anxious stressed feeling. So I'm questioning it all.
 
Barny67

Barny67

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I’d try and spend some time alone. It’ll help you both relax, getting back in touch with who you are. Remember why & when you fell in love.
 
soul searching

soul searching

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Maybe you could try telling him your feelings when he doesn't respond and see what he sais. He may just be in a bad place a t these times. Because you are in love, you will probably want to hang in there a while longer. There is no rush. Give it time , see how things go. Maybe things will improve. Let him know how you are feeling. Then, if things don't improve, he will be more understanding if you leave.
 
C

Charlene89

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Thank you. He text me this morning. Said he felt loads better and has gone to work. Sent me a picture of himself at work. He's much more keen and said something sweet to me like he normally would. So fingers crossed it was the tablets coming out his system.

Thank you for all your balanced kind replies.
 
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