• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Long winded srry, plz help, ty much

B

BigHeartsBigProblems

New member
Joined
Jul 3, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Lansing, MI
Im new..
27yrs old
Diagnosed with adolescent depression at about 17. meds made me feel like a zombie and i stopped going to the DR. until about 26. When i was re diagnosed with anxiety/depression. Before I have an anxiety attack I can have severe irritability and mood swings. During anxiety attacks I have uncontrollable crying, hyperventilation, angry outbursts, and/or occasional vomiting (usually lasts about an hour). After I calm down I still have difficulty catching my breath, shaking, migraines, neck and shoulder pain, stomach knots (could last up to 5 hours unless I am able to fall asleep). Wake up feeling defeated, depressed, alone, like I don't belong, don't want to be here anymore.
I had my first surgery last year Aug for my gallbladder and at the time was struggling to stay awake with my new and upped dosage venlafexine(sp?) at my new job. Had my surgery, had to stop taking meds for painkillers, tried to start meds back up after about 2-3 weeks of recovery(laparoscopy) and struggled staying awake at work, and had horrible hangover feeling the morning after medicating. I then contracted covid before we knew what covid was and again went off my meds. After a few miserable months i returned to work and started abusing the pills.
I had lived with my boyfriend of 8 years when 2 years ago shit started to get rough between us, he is an alcoholic and struggles with anger issues and self control. I love him more than I love myself. We occasionally had fights usually me upsetting him and him angry at me, i would cry (tender hearted), while he has had too much death in his family to tolerate crying, this is our cycle. He has never been one to talk about our issues and his or my own feelings. Once in a while i would get upset with him and have an outburst, very disrespectful, i know, with regret. Things have gotten physical between us because of my outbursts. Still love him to death please no judging, i hear it all the time. Everyone says things they don't mean when they're angry, and he had given me the impression, during multiple different verbal fights that he had a new friend on the side. Heartbroken and lost, to find out later it was false, I did unfortunately find myself with another man. Originally it was just to talk, get things off my chest that i wouldn't otherwise talk to anyone about. Ask for advice, feel listened to. It quickly spiraled out of control and a few different times with a few different "friends" over the span of a few very very dark and confusing months, I ruined my relationship and a year later he kicks me out, claiming i fucked him up and he can't do it anymore, he's over me and I've only held him under water all these years. Still love him to death.
Over the past years i have been losing job after job, broken down car after car. Not able to save enough to get a nice(er) car to last more than a year or two and i don't last very long at any job I've held recently either. That's my cycle.
I now have no job, no car, living back with my mom (until he picks me up and brings me back to my life I've lived and love). I'm struggling with my physical/metal/spiritual health and my relationship, well any relationship to be completely honestly(no friends). I haven't abused pills in a few weeks, still can't bring myself to flush them but they say discard 7/29/2020 (do pills really expire or can i keep them longer just in case i need them?)
 
Argon

Argon

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2019
Messages
380
Location
USA
Put the past behind and start over. That's all I can think of. You have to start getting back on your own feet and not count on some guy from the past coming back. Chuck the pills so you don't relapse. Look into a substance abuse program.
 
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BigHeartsBigProblems

New member
Joined
Jul 3, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Lansing, MI
Thank you for the advice. I feel like my issues with depression and anxiety far outweighs any issue i may have or had with the pill thing, but then again you know, with how emotionally vulnerable I am it is a temptation but ive never been hospitalized for anything related. I appreciate your supportive words.
 
F

fightthegoodfight

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2019
Messages
97
Location
Florida
Put the past behind and start over. That's all I can think of. You have to start getting back on your own feet and not count on some guy from the past coming back. Chuck the pills so you don't relapse. Look into a substance abuse program.
I second this. Get rid of the pills immediately, and look into a couple things to help you try to get back on some even footing. Look into substance abuse support groups as Argon said, and try looking into some psychotherapy care as well to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. A psychiatrist may also be able to help, if its accessible to you. Finally, an external support group like here can be good for just keeping your spirits up.

You need to stabilize first, but that may need external support at this point. From there you can slowly add other things, like a job, etc. Move forward from the toxic relationship. That won't be easy. It will be painful, and it's going to take time, and dont knock yourself up when you have setbacks, because they happen to the best of us.

Take accountability for your actions, recognize them, try to learn from them, and grow. We are all human and we screw up sometimes. Sometimes worse than others. Life isn't perfect. But we do have the power to strive to be better than the person we were yesterday, no matter what life threw at us.

It's the best advice I can give and I give it with warmth and hope to you. I myself have struggled plenty with substance abuse (alcohol for me) and mental illness and the two make for dangerous bedfellows. But it is possible to conquer them and I have been fortunate enough to see the light on the other side of the tunnel. I wish you the best, and welcome to the forum. Please feel free to post here, this is a very safe and welcoming place. Take care and know you are not alone, there are people rooting for you. :hug:
 

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