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Long Term Illness and Waning Hope for the Future

V

Viking

New member
Joined
Sep 8, 2008
Messages
1
First time posting here so please do forgive me if I start to ramble a little while organising my thoughts here.

I am almost 35 years old now. I first began treatment for clinical depression some 13 or 14 years ago. I wish I could remember when, but it is lost to me now like so many other things.

I am told that I was discovered my my Mum (I still lived with my parents after leaving University) having completely broken down. She rushed to the GP who promptly prescribed me some kind of anti-depressant medication.

I was then diagnosed with an eating disorder, having developed bulimia nervosa. My memory of this is no longer in existence.

I was told that I would often go missing for hours at a time and would return with no knowledge of where I had been or what I was doing. Apparently I once had a physical confrontation with my Mum over my car keys. I can't remember this either.

As years passed I was placed on varying doses of various medications - enduring the misery of coming off one dose and going on to another. From Paxil to Prozac I probably had them all and spent a protracted period of time on 60mg Prozac. I was in the care of a private psychologist/psychiatrist for a time, then put in to the hands of the NHS who shuffled me from pillar to post.

None of it ever helped me. Feeling of bleakness, of being in the dark, of self harming and suicide never really left and still don't to this day.

And as a result of the long term medications I have now lost all my memories of my childhood. I know I went to University but I could tell you nothing about it. I could not picture the faces of my friends. People - my family - have to remind me of things I have done because everything but the last few years is a complete black hole.

And even worse, my short term memory is just as poor. I can recall some things, trivial things. But I always have a pen and paper to hand because I know that if I have to remember something, I can't. My GP tells me this is a self defense mechanism of some sort.

In a recent email from my Mum (I sold my house and moved away years ago, pretty much on a whim. But leaving the area didn't help because no matter where I go, there I am) that the drugs had "ruined my life".

I am inclined to agree.

Right now my Doctor still tinkers with my medication from time to time. I was on sertraline for a while but the side effects were so violent that I kept falling over. And she tries to get me to talk to the mental health nurse - which I did agree to. Who in turn tried to convince me that there were more people I could talk to. But talking won't help. My confidence and belief in that has gone. And after ten or more years I think I am entitled to that because I have seen it all before.

The mental health nurse sent me to a psychiatrist because she felt like I might have a Personality Disorder. I don't relate to people and often describe myself as soulless and a fake human being. He wasn't very helpful. I told him that I had been struggling with feelings of intense violence and aggression. He said that was normal; I suppose he did not know I was fantasising about picking up the keyboard on his desk and seeing how many times I could hit him with it before the keys started to fall off...

I am not and never have been capable of forming personal relationships with people and it seems like the only identifiable emotion I have is towards my (now elderly and infirm) pet cat.

I honestly do not know how to continue. My mind is in shreds. I have what I think must be hallucinations - sounds mostly, like a TV has been left on in the next room and I can hear the canned laughter track from a sitcom. Sometimes I have trouble figuring out and being certain what is real and what is not. I fear I have gone mad.

Eventually I suppose I will run out of money and have nothing left. I was once in employment but I have no explanation for why I left 4 years ago and have not worked since. The idea of having to deal with people fills me with terror and panic - I get panic attacks in Tescos, how am I supposed to deal with anything else? I don't know that I could learn something again - I am a University graduate, but I have failed since then and feel a fraud.

I don't see a future for myself any more and am now out of places to turn.
 
lucid scream

lucid scream

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 22, 2008
Messages
672
Location
Looking down from the bridge
ggrrrrr....i wrote a big ol post and got booted when i posted and lost it.

Viking, youve been without adequate treatment for far too long. i know i have trouble trusting my docs due to being locked down a few years back, but ive found a therapist and shrink that i like and sorta trust and it makes a difference. if your not gettin what you need from who you are seeing, request to see someone else. you deserve it.
hallucinations and such usually call for antipsychotics. they are helpful, but some here myself included wish we had tried another way first. your call there.
do you have hobbies or anything you cab do to take your mind off of you for a while? it helps, man.
youve spent a long time out in 'the wilds' and maybe its time to come in for a while. you deserve to have some semblance of happiness in your life.
you can always come here and talk to us. theres usually someone about and you can pm me if you like. weve got a good supportive group. you should take advantage of that.
keep me posted, ok?

:flowers:
 
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