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Long story...

M

Memorable Username

New member
Joined
Jun 15, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Spokane, WA
This is a long one. TL;DR doesn't do the story justice, so I won't be posting one, I'm sorry.

So, in 2016, I had the worst year of my life. I made some bad decisions that led to me losing some friends, and making more bad decisions - one of which led to a psychotic break. A few days later I had a mental breakdown from the severity of the episode, as it lasted for days. I was lucky not to be diagnosed with psychosis. I recovered mentally from that particular issue, but my depression came back in full swing and hasn't left me alone for more than a month since.

I tried to better myself, and try to make contact with people I've hurt in the past, but always to no avail. There was always one person who I wanted more than anything to be able to see and talk to again. I never told her this but I was in love with her. We had a 'thing' while she was dating someone. I know. Bad. When everything went downhill, she stopped talking to me. Last I had heard from her, she wanted the exact opposite, even if everyone found out about us. She had feelings for me too. I was heartbroken when she stopped talking to me like that, but I forced myself to understand. But I tried to make contact with her since and she never responded. It was like a shot to the heart in 2018, when I ended up at the same party as her by complete accident. We acted civil around each other and I saw she was with someone else. I was happy and sad at the same time. Happy she wasn't with her previous boyfriend, he was awful. And sad that she had found someone else. But again, I forced myself to understand, as I wasn't a part of that equation anymore. I knew I shouldn't have, but i messaged her later asking to reconnect, it had been 2 years and I wanted my friend back, at the VERY least. I told her if she isn't okay with that, I understand and that I won't message her ever again. She never replied.


A week ago, I was at a BLM protest handing out water bottles and granola bars to protestors, when she approached me, wearing a mask so I didn't recognize her. She said she was ready to forgive me. When she said that, her eyes gave her away, but she lowered her mask to confirm my suspicions. She walked away and I lost her to the crowd. It was like a dream come true. I messaged her later saying that was a hell of a stunt she pulled ambushing me like that, but I was glad she could get that off her chest. We agreed to talk again. Over the past week, it has been far more than what I expected. She missed me even more than I missed her, and that is saying something. It's insane. I met her in person just the other day. We sat in my car and talked, caught up, listened to music, confessed how we felt back then, poured our hearts out over the whole situation and explained everything that happened from our POVs.

Apparently she was abused and manipulated into believing I was this force of evil on her life, and in her vulnerability, she took her negative feelings and shifted them all towards me. And cut me out of her life. Her new boyfriend has since helped to ease her pain and trauma. She's still healing but she came to the realization that I was not what her ex painted me to be. So when by complete coincidence she sees me in public for the second time in four years, she approaches me. It felt like fate.

We've now become even closer than we were before. But just as friends. Which is GREAT. But that's the problem. Even when I'm happy, I'm depressed. Even when I get everything I want, it's not what I want anymore. Like, I want more.


This new person she was dating is now her Fiance. I'm so happy for her. I have met him before and know he is a great guy. But the feelings for her I thought I had gotten over have come rushing back. We both admitted we were in love, but what I didn't tell her is that I still am. What right do I have? To come back into her life and cause trouble like that by telling her? Absolutely not. I will not repeat past mistakes, and I will not ruin this engagement for her. She is happy. I will never compromise that. But it hurts. It hurts like hell because I have had constant depression for over a week now. Thinking about her and how happy I am, yet sad at the same time. I find myself thinking about how maybe they'll break up still and it's sickening to have these invasive thoughts of something so messed up.

I feel so pathetic! Like Bojack Horseman or something. I hate that comparison, but it really is as pathetic as it sounds. I finally got something that I can't describe how badly I've wanted for *years* only to find that I'm still not happy, and that I want more. It's f*****g selfish and I hate it. I hate myself. Why can't I be happy? I want to be a part of her life, but just talking to her hurts. Because I know, no matter what, I can never tell her how I feel. It feels like maybe would be smart to cut her out of my life, but first and foremost, I absolutely do not want to. Second, how would I even go about it? She'd demand a reason. And I can't lie to her. I would never lie to her. I'd end up telling her how I feel and that's the exact thing I would be trying to avoid by cutting ties. Needless to say that doesn't seem like an option to me. So here I am. Best thing to happen to me in my entire life, reconnecting with the most important person of my life, with a bond stronger than ever. And I still can't get enough. I don't know what to do with myself. Out of all of my depressive episodes that I deal with every single month of my life, this one is the worst I've had since my breakdown in 16.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
863
Location
England
Hello, how are you at the moment? I'm sorry nobody replied but it might have been due to the length of your post. People might feel overwhelmed at the concentration required to read something longer than two paragraphs, or maybe that is just me?

Lack of strong feelings and emotion might be depression? Even when depression is mild, it can take away emotion and leave you feeling flat and uninterested.
 
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