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Long read but please. I need help or I’m going to lose my husband.

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Aleahc2019

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Joined
Dec 3, 2019
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5
Location
Iowa
My husband as of September of last year started having problems. We had a rough time April of last year when we were evicted from our home because the landlord didn’t want to fix the issues in our home. Our basement would back up with sewage and the cheap handy men she sent to fix it the first few times told us that it had Been happening for years.

They also told us about how the landlord would break into the house and yell at tenants and we found out but had it confirmed by the neighbors when we got to know them that behind the wood paneling of our walls were the home to a gnarly bed bug infestation. We fought with these issues up until our lease was up. By that time the flood had taken out the hot water heater AND the actual heater itself in March and our landlord decided to ignore us when we attempted to pay our rent and took us to court for unpaid rent. Since the issue was not fault of ours and the judge ruled us not responsible for the damage to the basement we expected to be granted 30 days to leave because the lease was up but no we were given 3 days and the day we got the news that we had 3 days was at 3pm and it counted as our first day.

So we struggled and scrambled to move three adult and four children’s belonging out of a four bedroom house in 3 days. We were harassed by the landlord the entire time basically reminding us if we weren’t out that last day he’d call the sheriff. We had to leave a lot of belongings including everything that was damaged when the basement flooded. We had no where to go and ended up moving in with someone we thought was a saint. I’d never really gotten a chance to go to her house but we’d known her for years. Her home was deplorable. She didn’t clean up after her multiple cats or dogs and everything was just trashed and we found out her water heater had broken down the year prior. We agreed to help her get her house cleaned up as long as she helped so we knew what she wanted to keep and didn’t. She was constantly leaving. Anytime we started to help her clean she would make an excuse to leave. So we could only throw away what was blatant trash which was very little.

She was a hoarder. She treated our kids like they were stupid and tried to make them clean up after her pets. She got mad that we refused to help unless she was willing to help herself considering it was her house and she kicked us out. We moved in with a couple whom we were mutual friends with and they proceeded to tell us the bad idea it was to move in with her and took us in.

This whole time we’d been working on saving money to get our own home when we got to our friends house they said it would give them training for when they had kids of their own but everytime one of the kids would do something a kid does they would freak out. He sent my 2 year old to his game room to watch a show while he forced me to watch movies with him on his day off and flipped out screaming at all my kids because that day my 2 year old got into his embroidery kit. Our kids were so emotionally torn up from all of this to where I stayed locked up in a bedroom with my kids all day and only cane out to go to school to keep them away from my kids.

They brought us into their relationship issues and we gave them the best advice we could considering one thought the other was cheating on him and the other told us he was given a free pass to do so making us feel so uncomfortable. We had a falling out and We left to stay with extended family and the apartment upstairs opened up in January of last year. At this point my husband was torn up losing one of his best friends and felt like he was played by what had happened up until this point. In February his dad found him after 25 years and cane to visit with his family. They came and they spent a lot of time trying to fix my husbands car while I entertained his wife and her 17 year old daughter and their two toddlers. I was stuck babysitting the kids half the time but did sit and talk to his step sister and she let slip they were living in a hotel. I asked my husband about it and he thought I was lying till he asked his dad about it and then it came out that his dad was bipolar and physically and verbally abused his wife and kids and had a significant cocaine problem. My husbands illusion of what he thought his father was was shattered.

All this happened so close together than it really messed my husband up but he was raised to bury stuff down and don’t talk about it so sometimes I have to pry but with the extensive medical issues I was dealing with I completely failed to realize. He was scared I was going to die. So he started getting just real mean and snarky this past spring and it led to him maniacally laughing about how he didn’t know what was wrong with him and I talked with him and told him to let me know when he needed me.

He was okay for awhile but then he had another low and was just mean to my kids and I. Screaming and yelling at us which is a no no for me due to my ex husband being abusive to us. He agreed to go to therapy and see if he could possibly bipolar like his dad. He told she said he wasn’t after the appointment and he was prescribed meds for anxiety. I found out months later he stopped taking them because they “didn’t help” and he stopped going to therapy because it “didn’t help” fast forward to last night. He disappeared and we couldn’t find him. I messaged him and he was not doing well. This time he was talking about suicide. Telling me I was the reason for all his issues and bringing up mistakes I’d made years ago claiming they were happening recently. He was so sure that he was right. He claimed that I never listened to anything he said when he talked to me about the issues he was having when in all actuality he has never let me in and would only answer questions if ask. He talked about how everyone called him a failure and that no one ever appreciated him and that any appreciation that was given was a lie.

I spoke some hard truths and finally got him settled down around 4am. I found out he didn’t tell the psychiatrist about his episodes or the suicidal thoughts when they happen and got him to agree to go again for a re-evaluation but it’ll take at least a month to get him seen. So I’m trying To do a lot of my own research. Can one be bipolar with manic lows but not have manic highs? My brother is bipolar and he swears my husband is too but he just doesn’t ever have those manic highs. Has anyone experienced something like this? Because I have been trying everything I can think of to get him to get help but he wants an instant fix and it doesn’t work like that. Please help!
 
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calypso

calypso

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WOW you have been through it haven't you? Its enough for anyone to have a depression. In answer to your last question, bipolar is diagnosed by the highs not the lows so its not possible to have bipolar without manic episodes. But that isn't to diminish what he is going through.

Was he brought up to be the protector/provider? Many men are and through all that happened to you it could be he feels he has failed his family and himself. Men feel they should be strong for their family and when things constantly go wrong it can take its toll. I don't doubt you have terrible feelings about all you have been through too, but I am just answering what you asked about your husband.

He has given up on the help offered to him and its hard to think of what people can do if he won't accept help. In Britain we have an organisation called Relate which helps people with relationship problems and are excellent therapists. Do you have anything like that in Iowa? It could be that you need to both go along to a therapist together to work through this. You have been through the mill and need help to process all that.

[may I suggest you put in paragraphs in future as it makes it much easier to read and you will get more replies. I hope you don't mind me saying this].
 
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Aleahc2019

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Dec 3, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Iowa
I don’t mind any advice given. Regardless what it pertains to. I know that I am emotionally stronger than him and I’ve always been okay with that. I don’t mind carrying him when he can’t carry himself but he acts so distrusting towards me when I’ve done nothing to cause him to believe that.

I do know that he feels he failed. Years ago he came close to having his own computer shop but the investor backed out and he was attempting to go to college for a few degrees when I got sick and he dropped out for me. He hated my illness because it made him think of his lazy mother (who let him be taken by the state around 11 when he needed her most) when I was sick. I have no idea why. I have found the right combination of meds for the brunt of my illnesses but it’s trial and error for others.

I have managed to process all that happened. I was raised to suck it up and deal for my kids and as bad as that was it worked. I can’t give up. Ever. No matter how hard things get? I persevere. I do have ptsd from my previous relationship but I am beyond in control of my triggers. I live a live and let live, pick and choose your battles, let it be lifestyle and that’s all I want for him.

I just don’t understand how to get him to believe he’s been great through all of this. He waited until he felt safe to let it all out and I get it but it does affect me when he makes those irrational accusations and it’s like arguing with a wall trying to get him in his altered state of reality to understand the falsity. He’s made mistakes and doesn’t want them mention because he doesn’t understand the mistakes we made years ago don’t define who we are. Just because he doesn’t like hearing about his mistakes doesn’t mean they didnt happen but I respected his feelings and don’t bring it up

Last night I was at my limit and after listening to every mistake that I had made and him claiming I was doing those things recently I calmed myself and explained how hypocritical he was being and it seemed to help ie. “the hard truths” I was a little selfish with affection the first year of our relationship. Never having truly felt affection I would want rubs and massages and wouldn’t always reciprocate and I’ve admitted my wrong but he doesn’t understand that his mistakes were much more hurtful and in breaking promises and allowing girls to believe there was a chance they could be together. I have stayed through so much disrespect but I wasn’t taught to leave people better than how you found them so despite what happens in OUR relationship I cant stand to witness him burn another whether it’s another woman or our children. I just don’t know how to get through to him sometimes. I know there’s is something. That’s obvious. He does for sure have IED but idk if these manic lows are just all that pent up pain and disappointment he’s trying to cope from. Either way I want to accompany him to this appointment to give the psychiatrist the outside perspective so she knows what he feels and what I see but I want to keep him sane until then considering he’s wanting to wait until after the holidays to even schedule the appointment.

We do have mental health programs here but they aren’t always a good place to go and he’s very secretive about his life. I just want to find a way to fill him with enough optimism to get him through
 
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Aleahc2019

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Location
Iowa
I’m sorry I’m horrible at forum threads. Plus I’m all over the place with worry.
 
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Aleahc2019

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I WAS taught to leave people better than how I found them
 
C

celticlass

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It is not strictly true to say that bipolar cannot be diagnosed without the highs being present. While this is the situation in the UK it does not apply in America. This was explained to me by a (Spanish) psychiatrist) at a time when I was hospitalised for a severe depression. I hope this info is helpful to you. And I do hope your home circumstances are more settled as all the stress cannot be helping anyone.
 
calypso

calypso

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I would have thought the truth is in the name Bi-polar meaning two poles not one. Just depression without the highs can be caused by something called Unipolar depression I thought - but I am not an expert of course. Its all academic as truth is he is suffering and so are you so help is needed no matter what the label.

I think you are doing exceptionally well to cope as you do. I think going along to the psychiatrist with him is a good idea. I'm pleased if he has agreed to that. He needs that support and back up. You have both been through hell and deserve some peace and quiet from all the shocks.
 
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celticlass

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I note that America are currently redefining their categories of Bipolar, Calypso. As you say it is academic with there being a spectrum along which people can move - in both directions. To categorise someone Bipolar 1, when they never for the rest of their life display another manic episode in say 35 years would be wrong. Equally to say that someone who experiences the deepest of the deep depressions with also periods of 'up'/semi up/not quite right as just having bipolar depression - well that's not quite right either. Just thinking about it really. Not saying I am correct.
 
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Aleahc2019

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Joined
Dec 3, 2019
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Location
Iowa
We don’t have the greatest psychiatrists here considering there is a clinic for low income families down the street from where we live. It’s convenient and easier than searching for a clinic to take our insurance. They were able to give us the diagnosis of the intermittent explosive disorder and he’s apparently had it for quite some time.

I’ve seen him be “explosive” but this is now getting to a dangerous level with the suicidal thoughts creeping their way in. He was so adamant and sadly i started bawling attempting to go into detail what would happened if he were to succeed.

The past two weeks things have been almost like magic as in were thrift store hoppers and every one we went to we found things we needed and then some. A friend of his needed a ride to the mall and we found $40 hats on sale for $10 after he was just talking about getting a new hat. I had to point this out and explain that things have been good and he complained they were just going to get bad again. I explained yes. They will, however if all you think about is it getting worse then you’ll never have a chance to enjoy life when it IS good.

He was quiet but said he understood when I asked. He’s the type that hates when I chew him out and/or put him in his place when he’s mad but understands why I did it when he’s calmed down. So sometimes it gets overwhelming with him. I’ll be honest with him not having a father and his mother being incredibly toxic it’s almost as if I’m raising him all over again. He is 30 and still puts his thumb in his mouth to relax and has a blanky. I know how that sounds to some but it shows me his childhood was not the most pleasant but it’s a matter of finding the exact instances that have put him in the hole he can’t seem to get out of and isn’t opposed to digging himself deeper.
 
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