Long post...would appreciate if somone reads, offers insight?

antonialost

antonialost

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Joined
Sep 16, 2011
Messages
26
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Luton Beds
#1
Hiii

Please be aware this is an extremely long post....please don't be put off.....would really appreciate some insights...thanks in advance!

So...my last post here was in aug 2012. A heck of a lot gone down in 7 years...
In my last post I was under care of physciatrist in a different town as I had zero luck,help or progress in my current town... been started on venlafaxine, diagnosed with clinical depression,anxiety and borderline personality disorder .I had tried CBT and talk therapies,but just found they did more harm than good, I was trying out hypnosis as a recovery method....

I'd love to say that things got better, in life and mental health.....no such luck...
Since then I have gone through a relationship breakdown resulting in divorce and house sale, used and taken advantage of by a so called best friend, taking risks ie sexual activity... meeting strangers,strange places,unprotected sex, met so many I lost count ,forgot people I'd met sometimes within days of meeting them <I'd forget details like thier name,~~~~sometimes I didn't even know there name,when wed met ..spent money reclasly...tried MDMA (bad reaction..lesson learned...) Neglected my health in every aspect though I did always take my medication...distanced myself from family and friends...I now have one friend...literally....my relationship with family is strained...I've dug myself into financial mess...debts up to the sky, would go without food ( for a long time relied on food banks and the church for help)...

Present day....I'm now on venlafaxine 300mg (recently been increased by mental health worker) he took me off respiridone as he didn't think I suffered physcosis..(he thinks I have unstable personality disorder. I think he will be re referring me for physciatrist again. Not feeling too positive about this due to history with this, but trying to give it a go,try again ,give it the benefit of the doubt...Suffer badly with insomnia. Tried a few sleeping tablets...nothing worked...(anyone else think zoplicone leaves a nasty taste for literally days) prescribed promethezine 10mg which is a anti histamine with sedating effects....taken for a month now and hasn't done anything for sleep...as an allergy med it's not great either , I have scabs in my nose, extremely itchy ears and terrible cattarah....so I've stopped the promethezine and started my ceterizine again which will hopefully clear the allergy symptoms...

My housing has become uncertain due to my financial strains. I have rental arrears...not yet served with eviction notice...but it won't be long....I'm getting help and support from the council (though they can't re house me till I get my eviction notice and become homeless iminantly) there is a company called Penrose who are also supporting me...
I have been to citizens advice and I'm now in a debt relief period...all being well all my debts and rental arrears will be cleared ...fresh start....I've set up affordable payment plans for bills---have a strict budget so bills will always get paid so I can't get in this mess again...just need to sort housing as can't afford the rent in a 3 bed anymore...

My support network from professionals at the moment is very good...I'm getting all the help and support available to me....
As for family,friends and people i can talk to....that's not so great....infact pretty non existent...

My dad and I are strained at the moment...weve never been massivly close,though I would have always said I was a daddy's girl...hes not particularly affectionate or forthcoming with love or feelings....he is up north, I'm south..havent seen him for about 2 years (not unusal) but do keep in close contact via text , occasionally a phone call (only if I call him) ****that had gotten less as I shut myself away from EVERYONE!.but recently I've been trying to contact more.I've been a huge burden to him financially while in my self destruct state...he and grandma paid off a chunk of my debts ....but since then...for about a year...I'm always asking dad for help with money....in my defence it's always for electric, food, heating,help with travel or medication etc...ranging from £5 to £50 usually around £20-30....I've been asking him too often...sometimes as much as once a week....he used to be in a better position financially,but since being medically retired he only had his pension,he's not able to claim benefits ,he's supported heavily by his wife...
Lately if I ask for money his response 80% of the time is no....regardless of how much or what I'm needing it for...on the occasions he helps, he tells me he's not happy about this,he can't keep doing it and won't do it again....then transfers...
I know I really ought to stop asking him...just get desperate sometimes and I honestly think no matter how old a daughter gets she should always be able to ask her daddy for help) +++please don't hate on me for this,I feel poo about it
I try to keep him in loop with my housing and finances....I do try to keep him up to date with my mental health too....but tbh he don't really get it...offers little sympathy or encouragement...

My boyfriend has his own mental health issues ...I've been supporting him massively....I encouraged him to stop work,so he could get out of an environment that was leading him down a destructive path...he's had some help with his mental health,medicated and they really seem to suit/help him...certainly help with his sleep anyway...he's kicked some serious habits,that were not good.hes waiting on a physciatrist referral.
He doesn't handle stress too well,pretty poor infact...he pretty much leaves me to the finances ,budgeting etc, basically anything that will stress him...I deal with..cos his stress gets me stressed and it's counter productive..
His coping mechanism is to not think about things, try block them out,hides rather than dealing...he needs the TV to distract himself,he can't handle silence ( in this respect polar opposite to me as I need quiet)....
He feels ready to get back into work, but something different to what he did before...generally speaking Hes a grafter...hard working....gets a thrill from earning and having money...also think he needs the routine...I'm just asking him to take his time, and perhaps help me get the housing sorted first...
He is supportive,he's helped me apply for benefits,encouraged me to get mental help again, helped me get on a bus for first time in years,ridded me of the evil so called friend that used me,he makes me laugh...
That said, I can't really talk to him ...it's more like I'm talking at him...most the time I have to repeat myself cos he's totally lost in the TV...he doesn't generally offer much input with things...
On a side note Our sex life has diminished...what once was extremely hot and satisfying is now pretty much non existent....he has completely lost his sex drive, no desire for it at all...I'm trying to be patient and understanding....but I'm extremely highly sexed....need it often....actually physically feel I need it...we have an agreement that on occasion I can see other guys...we are extremely open in our relationship,we have tried swinging,he's been with other women and me other men...it may sound crazy....but it kinda works...that said he hasn't been with other women for some time...but doesn't mind me meeting others...(I don't do it often...once a week at most-id be on it daily if I could...haha)

My one and only friend also has her own mental health problems....we used to be extremely close...we actually met off here all those years back....I text chat with her every day, make sure she's ok..talk on phone occasionally..don't see her as often anymore as her mental health isn't great atm..plus she's always got something wrong with her physically....I do feel sometimes it's abit one sided....it's rare she will text me if I haven't text her....if I try to talk feelings or mood etc she will usually say....I can't talk about this it will bring me down ...so...I can't really rely on her...

Other than that I have my grandma but she is getting old,has her ailments and she would just worry and feel guilty she can't see or hug me....
I have a few people I talk to online...some are people I've worked with or knew in the past, some I met online but never met in person, some guys that I've met in the past...
Some of them have said the usual things like you can always talk to me...any time.....I've occasionally reached out but just find that people generally don't have the time of day or can't be arsed...
So really I guess that's why I've come here tonight....

Currently I'm sorting my debts,trying to secure affordable housing...health appointments for teeth (neglected and poor state) eyes, blood tests, etc etc....all while supporting my bf, trying to control my own mental health and all that goes with it, and chronic insomnia...

Since last Monday at 6am I have been in an almost mental state of mind..Google's symptoms of mania~~ I pretty much have all of them ...I'm no doctor i know,plus internet can be mis leading...but I've certainly felt manic...acting very unusual,hyperactive,euphoric almost,buzzing...felt on a high...acting obsessively with a few things..zero appetite,going days without food..my sleep has pretty much been none existent....3 days in a row no sleep, then since a maximum of 2-4hours a night...was prescribed temazapam 10mg yesterday,to take one a day every other day,given 14 tablets....I was naughty , I took two....simply because no other sleeper has worked previously...plus have major sleep deprivation right now I wanted to pass out for like a day...no luck, it did nothing for my sleep...I had the usual 4 hours rest...little sleep, but not good sleep and not for long...not what I hoped for....my mind however seems a little calmer....bit more relaxed....tbh my mood is surprisingly good, I feel positive,determined,energetic,I'm kind of enjoying it....is that crazy??? It's weird I almost don't want to sleep...like I'm going to miss something....as a rule I live in bed....atm...I just don't want to go to bed....make any sense?
My memory is shocking....if I don't literally write it down straight away,it's gone from my mind seconds later and I can't for the life of me remember what I was thinking or going to do....shocking short term memory...(post it notes are my new friend,both on my tablet and to write on...I've got abit obsessive over it..)
I'm also extremely jumpy, kinda nervous...very sensitive to noise ,need quiet...
Other annoying things with my health....my body aches, all over, pains in back,legs arms...high cholesterol,close to danger zone for diabetes, my appetite is non existent, I'm being physically sick almost every day....

My biggest worry really is that at some point I'm going to crash or get really ill....burn out...worried about slipping into a deep depression...or am I guna snap and go crazy...
This is strange but as worrying and tiring this "episode" has been....it kinda beats sleeping all day,awake at night,no energy,miserable,vegetable.numb.

So....that's a long post....don't really know what I'm hoping for here tbh..just good to get it all out....do hope some of you read,and don't get put off by length...any insight to whether I could be in a manic state welcomed...any advice or thoughts please do message xxx
 
E

Edinscotbrit

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
127
Location
Scotland
#2
With your father, you will have to accept he isn`t able to continue to do that anymore, you need to understand that. He may not be sympathetic, probably because he feels annoyed about continously helping. less borrowing may help to sooth things a little and he will feel more inclined to be supportive.

Everything else, definitely requires a talk with a gp.
 
antonialost

antonialost

Active member
Joined
Sep 16, 2011
Messages
26
Location
Luton Beds
#3
I think ive come to the decision to wait till dad messages me.... When he does I'll let him know how unsupported I feel.... If he doesn't then so be it..... I do try not to ask him, only do when desperate.... Plus I always pay it back within two weeks... Just hard when your freezing and hungry.... Plus if he really couldn't do it.... He wouldn't.... When he says no I take that.... Just feels shit that I can't ask for help even though I pay back, he makes me feel sooooo shit about it... I get that he's not as financially strong now... I should be on my own feet...... But..... A girl really ought to be able to ask her dad if she's got no dinner or seeing her breath indoors no matter how many clothes she has on.. Am I wrong?? Maybe I am..... But I know that if I had a child.... I honestly wouldn't let my child go hungry if I could help....
 
antonialost

antonialost

Active member
Joined
Sep 16, 2011
Messages
26
Location
Luton Beds
#5
Yea I know.....
That said he often posts on fb that he's having a Costa coffee or a beer.... Holidays Every year....his wife has a few expensive hobbies and a very active social life. (when I had money I bought him a holiday) that's not tight of money in my eyes
Sound spoilt right??
His money... To do as he pleases... I know that.... I dunno can't get my head round it
 
J

Jules5

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Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
1,042
Location
Florida
#6
Iread your post. You have allot of stressful things going on right now. Sure wish I could be your neighbor so we could talk. Seems like you are doing everything you can to get stable again. I wish you and boyfriend get through everything alright. Hugs Jules.
 
E

Edinscotbrit

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
127
Location
Scotland
#8
Yea I know.....
That said he often posts on fb that he's having a Costa coffee or a beer.... Holidays Every year....his wife has a few expensive hobbies and a very active social life. (when I had money I bought him a holiday) that's not tight of money in my eyes
Sound spoilt right??
His money... To do as he pleases... I know that.... I dunno can't get my head round it
No I don`t think you are spoiled, obviously I am not in possession of the facts. If he is doing well for himself, yeah, maybe.

Unfortunately that old adage, you can choose your friends, you can`t chose your family.
 
G

GuitarAsTherapy

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Apr 17, 2019
Messages
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Location
Kansas City, MO
#9
Antonia:

You are a success story in the making.

First of all, you are facing some real troubles that have ZERO to do with mental illness, and you are dealing with them honestly A LOT better than I could.

And you are dealing with mental illness. Welcome to the club!

Anxiety, irrational thoughts--I'm the poster child! Seems like you and I have this in common. Bipolar disorder, manic depression--very complicated, and despite what you see on TV, rarely manifests itself the same in any two people.

Keep working with the professionals--don't quit! See them as fellow soldiers in your war against mental illness. and keep talking--you are helping yourself and others.

As for your dad--I'm a dad, and a grandad. My guess is that he's under the mistaken impression that helping you financially is enabling some kind of "wrong road" you might be "going down." This type of though-process is unfortunately all too common among family members, especially men.

"She'll just spend it on drugs and booze"--despite there being no evidence that you abuse either.

Don't apologize for long posts--you have a way with words, and they are SOLID GOLD! Keep writing, keep talking!
 
antonialost

antonialost

Active member
Joined
Sep 16, 2011
Messages
26
Location
Luton Beds
#10
Ahhhh guitar as therapy.... Thankyou for your words... Your right it is an extremely challenging time..... I've let things go on and get worse and worse had lifelines and wasted them.... This is probably my last shot at getting it right before I am living in a box... Needs must.... Just gotta try stay as positive as possible and keep fighting the fight xxxx