Long distance relationship

9

90blue

New member
Joined
Jul 21, 2018
Messages
2
#1
First of all thank you for taking the time to read this, not sure how to start
I’ve been experiencing depressive episodes since several years now. At times I feel better but then when things don’t go well I feel overwhelmed and I just break down, it’s like all is intensified.
I have low self esteem and trust issues I think since my parents cheated on each other (when I was around 12), my trust towards men was completely broken, that lead me to avoid having partners or even trying. Then during university I met my current partner and he seemed so honest and different that I decided to give him a chance, at the beginning it was going well but he was only an exchange student and had to go back to his country. We decided to stay on a long distance relationship and I admit it was difficult for me to trust him and accept the fact he had to continue having a social life, talking to other girls etc, but I was trying because I thought he could be honest. A year passed and we were managing the distance fairly well, but it was difficult to meet so often so t was just him who was traveling to see me. But when I told him I would need to move to another country to continue my studies since my first plan hadn’t worked out, he became disappointed and felt I want making efforts, I accept i was pretty busy during my last year of college and we couldn’t talk as often but it wasn’t on purpose, not because I didn’t want it was just I had exams and projects to do. So soon after I told him about those news I found out he was going on dating websites/webcam sites so I felt totally destroyed and betrayed, I felt the trust had been broken and I confronted him, he swore he never met anyone but he just “felt alone and needed to talk to other people.” We broke up for some weeks but he was really inisting and swearing he loved me and I still had feeling for him so I decided to forgive him nd try again. The problem is that now, I graduated and will soon start a new program in a different country but I’m constantly worried he might do it again and he also started becoming more social and going out more often (parties/ events).
I feel constantly stressed, worried, in a dark mood and avoiding to go out so I can to talk to him (we have a time gap), i don’t feel like meeting friends nor family. I’m constantly thinking about what he can be doing or where and if he doesn’t reply to my texts I become paranoid and start imagining negative things. I’ve became so paranoid to the point of even checking his phone bill.. where I saw he was texting two numbers very often and at odd times (ie 5am), when he was supposed to be sleeping. But he swore it was just some male friends and not any girls. These type of situations causes us to argue very often and not having a good open communication. I’m also feeling frustrated because I’ll be starting a program that wasnt my first choice, in a new city etc which worries me because I don’t know how that will affect our relationship. He promises he really loves me and is ready to come visit me often and that he won’t go on webcam/dating sites again etc. Im just very confused, depressed about the whole situation and not sure if this relationship is worth it, I do love him but the distance makes it so much more complicated and worse with my trust issues and his past mistakes. I also feel I might not be as “interesting/ attractive” and he would get bored of me. I’d appreciate some opinions as what to do, should I struggle against my fears and trust him or stay as friends and try to move on with my professional goals and avoid stresses?
Thank you
 
The Owl

The Owl

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2018
Messages
48
Location
U.K.
#2
I think I need to deal with this one!!!

Hi I read you post, and I thought this one is made for me to answer. Long distant relationships are difficult. I have a very good friend that I love deeply. I know this, answer may hurt you. But It is an honest reply. I think you will understand better when you reach the end.

Any relationship amounts to nothing if you do not have trust. Trust is what binds any relationship together. Be it long distance or not. I would never dream of looking through, my wifes phone, or my friend phone because its not my business who they talk to. Be it male or female. Its not important because I know we have TRUST. I often talk to women, and she talks to other males. So what? What matters is My wife returns home. My friend well she is miles away. She chats when ever she wan'ts. It's just wrong to control anyone. Let alone another person who is a long way away.. Because it just can't work! It's dumb.

Now I love them both more than I can express on this site. Nothing my wife does will stop me adoring my best friend.

If my best friend was in this country things would different If she was in this country Well I would not have married my wife.

But the second I married I have to look after her, and be loyal. 100%. I have a commitment to her and I wont cheat. Or let her down. So here is the question, do either of you plan to join the other one?

Because I think any relationship needs both to live in the same place. My current wife travelled 26,000 Miles to be with me. Are you willing to travel, or is he willing to leave his country?

That will tell you if this relationship Romantically has any future. That's the best answer I can give you.

However it works out. I wish you luck happiness and Love.... Best Wishes and remember Trust is the glue that binds any relationship together.
 
9

90blue

New member
Joined
Jul 21, 2018
Messages
2
#3
Thank you for your reply. I agree that trust is the most important aspect in any relationship. He has plans on moving close to me, he needs to apply for a visa... it’s just a matter of time, meanwhile I just need to struggle against my fears and insecurities. Any tips on how to overcome these ?