A
adamrhaynes
New member
Hi Everyone
I'm new here and came across the forum when searching for some help for my girlfriend. Firstly, some background information. I am 24 and live in Northumberland, my girlfriend is 25 and lives in Europe, she's not British (I'd rather not specify). We have been together for 5 years, and 85% of the time have been living a long-distance relationship. It's not easy, but I think the fact that we have been together for 5 years shows that we are pretty serious about each other. We see one another every 3 months or so, and talk on the phone most evenings. The relationship works, but after 5 years I'm getting tired of seeing one another so rarely so ideally I want us to live together. Obviously, ultimately that is the plan.
Anyway, the main point:
Over the last few months my girlfriend has been on a downer. I'm not 100% sure what her 'diagnosis' is as I'm not sure she knows herself. It's a mixture of depression, stress, extremely low self esteem, dissatisfaction with life, herself and her job. It goes in leaps and bounds, one day she is pretty cheerful, the next day she feels like giving up, although generally she is unhappy (I can't remember the last time I heard her laugh for example). Where it all began, I am not sure, but it's been going on for a long time now. She is seeing a psychotherapist 2-3 times a week which she says is helping, but I don't see any change.
I am very patient with her as I have had experience of depression myself, so I know it's not just a case of 'snapping out of it'. Everyday we talk on the phone and for the majority of the call she tells me her problems and everything that has gone wrong with her day. Usually all of these things are little things, like forgetting to photocopy something she should have done or sending an eMail to the wrong person - but she turns all of them into a disaster and beats herself up about it for days and days. She cries and sounds so unhappy, it's really difficult to listen to. She works as a translator and is put under a considerable amount of pressure, I think, but she insists that where she works is a great place to work although she is not happy with her specific job and she moans about it constantly. She regrets the career path she chose and refuses to accept that it isn't set in stone (she's only 25). It just seems as if every little thing gets on top of her and she can't cope, even arranging a delivery of plants to her office the other day caused her a great deal of stress.
The problem seems to be that she has lost all confidence in herself and she compares herself to other people all the time, continually pointing out other people's strengths to highlight her weaknesses. She holds a 1st class degree from her University and has a good job by all accounts, so there's quite a few positives in her life, but everything these days is turned into a negative and she sees no hope or point in life anymore.
The plan was that she was going to begin a Masters degree at a UK University this autumn, though I think with everything that is currently going on it will be way too much for her and that it won't go ahead. That's really sad for me, as it was finally a chance for us to live together, but her health comes first.
The greatest issue is that I just do not know what to do. She has her mother there with her now, who is looking after her, but unfortunately we have a language barrier and so I cannot communicate with her mother very well. I'm worried that she's not getting the help she needs, and that she is just sitting around in her flat and dwelling on things so much, but at the same time wishing that it would all go away. I really want to help her as much as I can, I am there for her, patient and always listen, but I still feel that I'm doing nothing. Ideally I'd go and be with her and help her, but I have a job and commitments here that I can't just leave. After every phone call I feel like I've been punched in the stomach, sometimes she's nasty and impatient but that's not her character, it's just the way she is at the moment. It's heartbreaking to hear her cry on the phone, telling me all of these problems and me being able to do nothing but offer a few sympathetic words - the usual stuff - which clearly aren't helping. I feel that I am suffering myself now, absorbing her mood and beginning to feel unhappy myself, that's not me being selfish, I think it's quite natural, but I daren't mention it to her as she has enough to worry about.
She always seems to be quite busy, which is good for taking her mind off things, but it doesn't work. She also gets exhausted very very easily.
It's all very painful and I just don't know what to do or who to turn to. I am at a complete loss. It is for this reason that I am writing in the hope that someone may have a suggestion as to what I can do to help her. It is beginning to put a strain on the relationship that we have fought so hard to maintain over the last 5 years. I love her very much and don't want to lose her, but I'm afraid of what's happening. I want us to live together very soon but I don't want the Masters thing to put her under unnecessary strain - it's important she lifts her mood, but I don't know what to suggest.
Thanks for reading.
I'd appreciate any help, advice or suggestions anyone might have.
Cheers
Adam
I'm new here and came across the forum when searching for some help for my girlfriend. Firstly, some background information. I am 24 and live in Northumberland, my girlfriend is 25 and lives in Europe, she's not British (I'd rather not specify). We have been together for 5 years, and 85% of the time have been living a long-distance relationship. It's not easy, but I think the fact that we have been together for 5 years shows that we are pretty serious about each other. We see one another every 3 months or so, and talk on the phone most evenings. The relationship works, but after 5 years I'm getting tired of seeing one another so rarely so ideally I want us to live together. Obviously, ultimately that is the plan.
Anyway, the main point:
Over the last few months my girlfriend has been on a downer. I'm not 100% sure what her 'diagnosis' is as I'm not sure she knows herself. It's a mixture of depression, stress, extremely low self esteem, dissatisfaction with life, herself and her job. It goes in leaps and bounds, one day she is pretty cheerful, the next day she feels like giving up, although generally she is unhappy (I can't remember the last time I heard her laugh for example). Where it all began, I am not sure, but it's been going on for a long time now. She is seeing a psychotherapist 2-3 times a week which she says is helping, but I don't see any change.
I am very patient with her as I have had experience of depression myself, so I know it's not just a case of 'snapping out of it'. Everyday we talk on the phone and for the majority of the call she tells me her problems and everything that has gone wrong with her day. Usually all of these things are little things, like forgetting to photocopy something she should have done or sending an eMail to the wrong person - but she turns all of them into a disaster and beats herself up about it for days and days. She cries and sounds so unhappy, it's really difficult to listen to. She works as a translator and is put under a considerable amount of pressure, I think, but she insists that where she works is a great place to work although she is not happy with her specific job and she moans about it constantly. She regrets the career path she chose and refuses to accept that it isn't set in stone (she's only 25). It just seems as if every little thing gets on top of her and she can't cope, even arranging a delivery of plants to her office the other day caused her a great deal of stress.
The problem seems to be that she has lost all confidence in herself and she compares herself to other people all the time, continually pointing out other people's strengths to highlight her weaknesses. She holds a 1st class degree from her University and has a good job by all accounts, so there's quite a few positives in her life, but everything these days is turned into a negative and she sees no hope or point in life anymore.
The plan was that she was going to begin a Masters degree at a UK University this autumn, though I think with everything that is currently going on it will be way too much for her and that it won't go ahead. That's really sad for me, as it was finally a chance for us to live together, but her health comes first.
The greatest issue is that I just do not know what to do. She has her mother there with her now, who is looking after her, but unfortunately we have a language barrier and so I cannot communicate with her mother very well. I'm worried that she's not getting the help she needs, and that she is just sitting around in her flat and dwelling on things so much, but at the same time wishing that it would all go away. I really want to help her as much as I can, I am there for her, patient and always listen, but I still feel that I'm doing nothing. Ideally I'd go and be with her and help her, but I have a job and commitments here that I can't just leave. After every phone call I feel like I've been punched in the stomach, sometimes she's nasty and impatient but that's not her character, it's just the way she is at the moment. It's heartbreaking to hear her cry on the phone, telling me all of these problems and me being able to do nothing but offer a few sympathetic words - the usual stuff - which clearly aren't helping. I feel that I am suffering myself now, absorbing her mood and beginning to feel unhappy myself, that's not me being selfish, I think it's quite natural, but I daren't mention it to her as she has enough to worry about.
She always seems to be quite busy, which is good for taking her mind off things, but it doesn't work. She also gets exhausted very very easily.
It's all very painful and I just don't know what to do or who to turn to. I am at a complete loss. It is for this reason that I am writing in the hope that someone may have a suggestion as to what I can do to help her. It is beginning to put a strain on the relationship that we have fought so hard to maintain over the last 5 years. I love her very much and don't want to lose her, but I'm afraid of what's happening. I want us to live together very soon but I don't want the Masters thing to put her under unnecessary strain - it's important she lifts her mood, but I don't know what to suggest.
Thanks for reading.
I'd appreciate any help, advice or suggestions anyone might have.
Cheers
Adam
Last edited:
