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Long Distance Relationship + Depression



New member
Dec 5, 2019
Salt Lake City, UT
I've been in a ldr for two and a half years. I love her so much, but it's so hard to be with her sometimes. I have major depression and I have been dealing with it for seven years with little success.
When I am going through a hard time, I need to be alone. I need some space, but my girlfriend doesn't understand this. Well, she does, but she doesn't... I don't want to say care, but she definitely isn't mindful of it.
She is very big on communication, which is important in a long distance relationship, but I've always struggled with this when I'm going through an extra hard night. I have come a long long way, and she says she's proud of me, but it feels like it will never be enough. She wants me to behave normally, and if I'm not, she makes me feel like I just am not trying.

She is very very sensitive, and whenever I bring up how I feel she starts to cry and doubt herself and starts saying she's a horrible person, which isn't true. It makes it hard to ever have a conversation with her. She also struggles with mental health problems, but she handles it differently. She needs to have constant attention and reassurance, so that's how she thinks she can help others, even though I've told her I'm the exact opposite. She's been feeling not the best again, and it makes it so hard because whenever we talk she talks about how upset she is, and I have to comfort her, which I'm not capable of. I feel like I'm left a shell, and there is nothing left to me. I don't want her to think I don't care about how she feels, because I know I do deep down, but I just can't feel it right now. Right now, I'm struggling to even feel like I love my mom, let alone others in my life. I'm just exhausted, and I don't know what to do. It feels like whatever I do, I'm just going to upset her. I don't want to be the reason she spirals. I just want to be left alone. And it definitely doesn't help that I've been sick lately, so the idea of getting myself up and ready to talk is even more hard than it usually is. What do I do? It feels impossible to have a nice outcome.


Dec 5, 2019
It is difficult to tell without talking to you for an hour about it. But I have a guess.

You should do some exercises on how to be more assertive. Being able to convincingly assert that it is now alone time, without being rude, and in a way that conveys you love her, can be done by studying assertiveness. This will help you here.


Well-known member
Nov 29, 2019
East Coast
Seems you both care for eachother a lot. Sounds like you isolate when you're not feeling well (as do I) and she needs verbal comforting and reassurance. Maybe you can think about what she wants to hear - that she is truly loved, that you want to comfort and support her as best as you can right now etc. Right now the damn depression is making you feel like you don't have the ability to care, or to comfort her, so try your best to fight it off and say what she needs to hear, even if you feel nothing...it might make her feel better, which may make you a feel a hint better as well. If it doesn't work ask her what she needs you to say to be helpful, and maybe you can gently share with her that everyone is different and you love her but need a little space to get better for example...may not work, but at least you know you asked for what you need now. Hoping you both feel a little better soon.
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