Lonely, depressed, pessimistic about the future

W

Wasoncehappy

New member
Joined
Mar 23, 2019
Messages
2
Location
United Kingdom
#1
I'm a 50 year old man. I separated from my wife 2 years ago, divorced last year after 15 mostly happy years. Ups and downs, but I loved her. We had intimacy issues I suppose from time to time, but very much in the last few years. I suppose much as I loved her I perhaps lost interest physically, she too, we didn't put in the effort. Then bang out of nowhere she says she wants out.

After she left I found out that an old Uni friend on social media that she'd reconnected with before we split up had become her new partner. She doesnt know I knew this but it crushed me as I knew then it was done. So I instigated divorce. It was horrible. Someone I loved, supported and provided for had rejected me in the ultimate way. And I then had to view her as the enemy, fighting over money, etc. Luckily no kids if there can ever be good fortune in that.

I had counselling to help me through the dark times. My counsellor although lovely and empathetic really thought time would heal and that a whole new exciting life was waiting around the corner for me. And that a new partner was too. I had every reason to be optimistic.

Nothing could be further from the truth. After 2 years of separation I feel more alone than ever. I miss the love and support and feeling of being wanted. I've tried online dating as that seems the only possibility for someone of my age it seems. Ive met a number of women, even had what you'd call a short term relationship, but they all petered out - be it lack of physical attraction, no emotional connection... I was also rejected/ignored by many many possible "matches", I know online dating is completely fickle and not the real world but it seems the only viable way forward for me. It is incredibly depressing and soul destroying being on these online dating sites. I'm sure Im not alone in thinking that.

I know this sounds like co-dependency but its not. I am a social creature I love people, I am sociable, chat, am told I'm nice to be around mostly and relatively attractive. I want someone in my life though but it just doesn't feel likely I'll find anyone that I think I'm both physically and emotionally attracted to and is to me. It just seems like a total lottery. Luck. Not fate. I dont believe the counsellor BS that says if I emit happiness and confidence I will attract.

Ultimately I am now in what I think is deep depression. I wake up feeling it. I spend my work days thinking it. I go to sleep thinking it. I honestly dont think I've ever been depressed. Not really. But this is almost a physical pain. It comes and goes to an extent but its always there, in the back ground. I've started to do crazy things like look up the most reliable and least painful ways to commit suicide. I honestly dont think I could do it, or maybe thats more a case of not having the guts to. But I think about it a lot. I cry when I'm on my own. Maybe its self pity and pathetic. But I just dont see what the future is alone. If I am sitting here in or 3 years thinking and feeling the same thing. I don't think I could deal with this pain for that long.

Maybe just finding someone new to be with is not the answer. I'm told that often. That being on my own will teach me to "love" myself and thats the most important thing. But it isn't working. Ive been alone for 2 years and I cant say I love myself any more. I pity the sad creature Ive become. And I've no interest in prolonging the existence of this sad depressed creature if life going forward for me is one of loneliness.

Thats it. Thats my story. I don't think I've ever typed this out like this before let alone posted on a forum like this. I've no idea what happens next. If anyone replies, reads and cries, laughs, pities, scorns.

I just wish the pain would end. Loneliness stop. Depression turn to optimism.

How does it happen?
 
Hopefuloldie

Hopefuloldie

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 30, 2018
Messages
116
Location
UK
#2
So sorry to hear this - you must be feeling completely isolated. My advice would be to find ways to relate to people in the real world rather than online dating. Join your local political party. Check out clubs and interest groups in your area. Look at the Meet Ups site and push yourself to try a few out. I would focus less on finding love, and more on just making connections with people - hopefully, the love will follow in time xx
 
wolram

wolram

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2019
Messages
425
Location
Warwickshire England
#3
Hi
Wasoncehappy

It sounds like you are having a tough time, have you thought about joining a club
maybe go to a dancing club or start a new hobby it is amazing how many people you meet
Have you seen a doctor? It maybe that you need a little help with medication, other than that I do not know what you can do.


All the best Woolie.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
393
#4
But I just dont see what the future is alone. If I am sitting here in or 3 years thinking and feeling the same thing. I don't think I could deal with this pain for that long.

Maybe just finding someone new to be with is not the answer. I'm told that often. That being on my own will teach me to "love" myself and thats the most important thing. But it isn't working. Ive been alone for 2 years and I cant say I love myself any more. I pity the sad creature Ive become. And I've no interest in prolonging the existence of this sad depressed creature if life going forward for me is one of loneliness.

Thats it. Thats my story. I don't think I've ever typed this out like this before let alone posted on a forum like this. I've no idea what happens next. If anyone replies, reads and cries, laughs, pities, scorns.

I just wish the pain would end. Loneliness stop. Depression turn to optimism.
Hmmm yeah I guess in general human beings are dependent on others. It's quite normal not to want to be alone. Most people get a huge sense of satisfaction from meeting someone they feel a spark with, being in a relationship.
When people say that you need to love yourself, before you love others, i guess that's true in a certain sense. Well, from what I've found from life, you need to not have a devastating view of yourself, have a sense that you are doing or living in some way that is self-examined and you feel you have a sense of worth. Basically don't put yourself down, when you wouldn't put others down. I don't think people should enter a relationship really self-loathing and offer love to others. That doesn't make sense. I guess that's what people mean when they say you should 'love' yourself.
I think everyone is insecure up until a certain point, it's just about accepting it and also having faith and confidence in your good qualities.

I don't know about turning depression into optimism, I don't think it's that simple. For me, it's been more moving from depression into a more rational way of viewing myself and the world. Unfortunately that has involved a certain deadening of my emotions and re-viewing my old beliefs. I think you can learn to give yourself more respect through the acceptance of things passed. Like your divorce with your wife was probably hard to go through, but accepting it didn't serve you is important. Like think of all the situations in your life that don't serve you, how can you slowly remove them? Or all the opinions of yourself that don't serve you, how can you remove them? To be honest overcoming depression is mainly done through anti depressants ,therapy (for a long period, say two years, therapy doesn't work overnight and you will go through many dips with it as you confront your issues) and also lifestyle changes.
 
Muddleduck

Muddleduck

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
210
Location
GB
#5
Were you diagnosed with depression and treated for it? Maybe depression is what caused your relationship to end, prevented new relationships from beginning and is why you feel the way you do? I am not saying medication is the answer for everyone all of the time, but sometimes it is. Depression can have a big impact on all areas of your life and how you feel day to day.

As a sufferer of bipolar disorder, i experience highs and lows and can confidently say that depression is a very real thing that colours your whole world and how you feel. I know that because mine comes and goes, and i can see very clearly the difference in me, how i think, how i feel. It seeps through everything and turns it to grey, thick, slow and empty.
 
Muddleduck

Muddleduck

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
210
Location
GB
#6
Just to add, medication does help me but it doesn't take the highs and lows away completely. Just knowing why things happen and why you feel the way you do can help. Sometimes depression goes on for so long that you forget who you were before it came along and so don't seek treatment, because you think there is no such thing and no hope. I have to change medication often because it stops working after a while.
 
W

Wasoncehappy

New member
Joined
Mar 23, 2019
Messages
2
Location
United Kingdom
#7
Thank you for replying. The truth is I don't remember what it feels like to be happy any more. Joining clubs feels forced, I tend to clam up in those situations now. Plus working 10 hour days doesn't leave much time or energy for it. I'm permanently tired, at least work keeps my ind off how I feel at least some of the day. But not all.

Medication is maybe something I thought about looking at. I guess that would involve having to see a doctor, going through all this with them and hoping/asking for a prescription. Even then all it does is paper over the cracks - and I'd have to be on them long term with any side effects that come along. I used to be really fit and active - now I feel like a physical and emotional wreck.

There doesn't seem much else I can do. I see no clear way out of the dark place and deep rut I've fallen into. The harder I try to get out of it the deeper I seem to find myself. I don't say this lightly but it feels like I should get my affairs in order. I've recently seen a lawyer to draw up a will. I don't know how or when but it feels like things will reach their time soon.
 
Muddleduck

Muddleduck

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
210
Location
GB
#8
You only need to see your gp and it is not difficult to get a prescription. You also may only need to take them for 6 months, you might start to feel better in a couple of weeks and then it is a gradual improvement. On a low dose, i have no side effects, and if i have any, they were only within the first week. My psychiatrist said he saw a man who had been depressed for 10 years without seeing anyone. I don't usually encourage medication but i can see some similarities in how you feel and how i feel when depressed and i know medication helps me, and helps my cousin and aunt also.

You can see the gp and discuss it, without any expectation, just to see what your options are and what they think. Is it 25% of their daily appointments are about depression? They would be very experienced with it. They also can check you don't have any physical health issues with a blood test.
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
5,634
Location
NZ
#9
Hi and welcome,
Similar to myself I dont believe I ever experienced true happiness,until finally I did get help which was the best thing I could have done, I have been stable,contented,for a while now.
I am medicated which has giving me a life worth living.
So please put you first,see your gp which is a step in the right direction.

Well done for reaching out to us at the forum,a great place of support. Its definitely been a positive towards my recovery.

If you're unsure about describing how your feeling,I find it useful to write stuff down then take that with you to the doctor.
All the best and keep posting, we're her for you
 
L

leahmentalhealth

Member
Joined
Mar 25, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Dubai, UAE
#10
Hello, read the first post in it's entirety and read briefly the other posts.
I don't mean to give advice when I'm not in work, here it goes. The heart aches, you don't sound too lonely as you work just like something is missing. This is actually really positive it shows you still have space in your heart for another. I would recommend joining a quality dating site.
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
5,634
Location
NZ
#11
I do empathise, truly.
For all my childhood I had suffered from loneliness, I had my mother who abused me and pushed everyone away I had no-one.
It is painful,extremely. I was existing I dont know how you're feeling but I know what extreme loneliness is.
I had depression all my life.
My life only started once I started work.
Hope you can be seen by a doctor and you may find medications may help you get back on track
 
L

leahmentalhealth

Member
Joined
Mar 25, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Dubai, UAE
#12
Yes thank you for sharing and sorry to hear about a painful childhood.
I don't mean to sound lazy but I am having a hard time getting back to work.
Thanks for your support. Leah
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
5,634
Location
NZ
#13
You're not lazy, you're struggling and life can be so cruel, as it has been for you with your relationship beakdown, and them the overwhelming loneliness.
You are clearly a social person by nature which must make it that much harder.
Depression makes everything that much harder to manage, and affects our coping skills.
You have had thoughts of suicide which reflects your level of distress.
I would strongly suggest that you make an appointment to see your GP.
If you do feel at risk and having thoughts of suicide or wanting to be dead, then you really need to contact a gp as soon as possible, or urgently ring the crisis team.
 
J

Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
560
Location
Florida
#14
Hmmm yeah I guess in general human beings are dependent on others. It's quite normal not to want to be alone. Most people get a huge sense of satisfaction from meeting someone they feel a spark with, being in a relationship.
When people say that you need to love yourself, before you love others, i guess that's true in a certain sense. Well, from what I've found from life, you need to not have a devastating view of yourself, have a sense that you are doing or living in some way that is self-examined and you feel you have a sense of worth. Basically don't put yourself down, when you wouldn't put others down. I don't think people should enter a relationship really self-loathing and offer love to others. That doesn't make sense. I guess that's what people mean when they say you should 'love' yourself.
I think everyone is insecure up until a certain point, it's just about accepting it and also having faith and confidence in your good qualities.

I don't know about turning depression into optimism, I don't think it's that simple. For me, it's been more moving from depression into a more rational way of viewing myself and the world. Unfortunately that has involved a certain deadening of my emotions and re-viewing my old beliefs. I think you can learn to give yourself more respect through the acceptance of things passed. Like your divorce with your wife was probably hard to go through, but accepting it didn't serve you is important. Like think of all the situations in your life that don't serve you, how can you slowly remove them? Or all the opinions of yourself that don't serve you, how can you remove them? To be honest overcoming depression is mainly done through anti depressants ,therapy (for a long period, say two years, therapy doesn't work overnight and you will go through many dips with it as you confront your issues) and also lifestyle changes.
Great insight
 

Similar threads