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Lonely and torn

M

Miasmic

New member
Joined
Jul 19, 2013
Messages
1
Hi, firstly been a reader of this forum but never actually signed up. I hope you can be bothered to read my fairly long post/rant, feel free to input or not, I just really needed to vent this -

I’m going to university in September, I should be looking forward to it but I’m not. I have no feelings towards it. I certainly don’t think I am capable of doing well and half-expect to drop out when things get tough. I’ve been ‘successfully’ repressing or perhaps blunting my emotions over the past five or so years. This was an active decision I made as I at the time saw emotions as a weakness and of little use.
Recently however they have been slowly returning. The strongest of these feelings is a desire for friendship/relationships. Funny because I pushed everyone I knew aside over the years and I have but one friend remaining but he’s unstable, verbally abusive and suffers from what appears to be Borderline personality disorder though he won’t see anyone about it. My family does not believe in expression of emotion and will openly ridicule and mock you for so much as suggesting you’re not 100% A OK. This leaves me completely alone with no one to confide in or trust.

Anyway point is I think I want friends, I want to enjoy life again I don’t want to be alone. That’s simple enough but at the same time I can’t ignore the fact that friends are fleeting as are romantic relationships, why bother if they are just going to end? Experiences just make it all the harder when things do end. I have nothing to miss from my past five years because I ensured there was nothing to miss. Even if I made a few friends (Unlikely considering my problems with OCD and SA) or even found a girlfriend (Even less likely, not even good looking and am far from boyfriend material) at university id just be left in a dark pit in a couple of years or even months after things end or they move on. Is that pit worth a few memories? Further any relationships I build in university are surely going to be superficial. Just passing students on the first of many steps on their own career/educational ladder, once they finish their degrees they can move on to better and greater things.

Life does not have to revolve around friends/relationships and it’s a stance I have in the past strongly supported but I’m not good enough to focus on a career, I’ll always be just middling, effective enough but never great. So a lonely life where I never amount to anything significant, to me doesn’t really sound worth the effort and pain, I would know, I’ve been doing it for the past few years. I’ve spent so many days just wishing I could close my eyes and drift away, away somewhere peaceful and tranquil where nothing matters.
 
Lincoln1990

Lincoln1990

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2013
Messages
10,130
Hi :welcome: to the forum!

:dance:
 
E

Eigau

Guest
Hi there and welcome :) There are many good people here to find friendship and confide in. You are not alone.
 

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