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Loneliness is driving me insane...

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CEVRAM

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Sep 22, 2019
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42
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Portugal
An online community in which I have actively been involved until recently revolves around art to a great extent yet I found it very difficult to set common grounds between me and other people there.
 
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CEVRAM

Active member
Joined
Sep 22, 2019
Messages
42
Location
Portugal
I'm yet to find a reliable source for personal validation. At this point it appears crystal clear that letting the fulfilling of this goal depend mainly on the actions of others isn't going to have the desired effect.
 
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JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
437
Loneliness is really hard and it definitely exacerbates mental illness. I know how you feel, I am often quite lonely and it terrifies me. A solution to the problem is not so easy to come by, it's so hard to find anyone who cares.
 
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CEVRAM

Active member
Joined
Sep 22, 2019
Messages
42
Location
Portugal
Loneliness is really hard and it definitely exacerbates mental illness. I know how you feel, I am often quite lonely and it terrifies me. A solution to the problem is not so easy to come by, it's so hard to find anyone who cares.
Indeed it is. I know there are plenty of caring people in this forum but when the virtual realm is all we have in order to get in contact with them, something as reliant on meaningful intricate interactions as loneliness is won't get beaten by just resorting to daily online chatting. Its a deep issue that needs to be tackled on the real world, where actually tangible things happen and our life is based.

Another issue with the online socializing aspect is that due to each individual having a huge array of people at their disposal with who they can directly get in contact at any given moment, they tend to be very selective and cynical towards those they actually want to pay any care into and so, the first few glances and exchanges of vocabulary, which can be quite deceiving, will often dictate whether someone is interesting enough and worth knowing or not. If not, well, no problem, there are thousands of other personas left to be explored through some more clicks and/or cursor movements.
 
hicks

hicks

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May 14, 2019
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899
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In a galaxy, far far away..
An online community in which I have actively been involved until recently revolves around art to a great extent yet I found it very difficult to set common grounds between me and other people there.
Why not though? I would have thought something like an art forum opens up many areas for discussion. Art is a highly subjective topic, and one that does provoke opinions.
 
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CEVRAM

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Sep 22, 2019
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42
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Portugal
Why not though? I would have thought something like an art forum opens up many areas for discussion. Art is a highly subjective topic, and one that does provoke opinions.
Its a very eccentric community filled with people who aren't the best in terms of social skills and at understanding certain cues so all in all, there is a lot of general awkwardness and immaturity involved which set me off slightly. It also seems like a large extent of people there are hungry with a strong desire to be entertained and have a place in the spotlight more than forging traditional friendships that require proper mental effort and dedication. Most interactions between community members is made out of superficial banter and random trivialities, at least over on the younger side which makes up the vast majority of it.
 
hicks

hicks

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Joined
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Messages
899
Location
In a galaxy, far far away..
Its a very eccentric community filled with people who aren't the best in terms of social skills and at understanding certain cues so all in all, there is a lot of general awkwardness and immaturity involved which set me off slightly. It also seems like a large extent of people there are hungry with a strong desire to be entertained and have a place in the spotlight more than forging traditional friendships that require proper mental effort and dedication. Most interactions between community members is made out of superficial banter and random trivialities, at least over on the younger side which makes up the vast majority of it.
I won't deny it's very hard to connect with people and make friends. I've had problems, and still do. My daughter also has extreme problems. She's very lonely. Having social issues means that the pool of people you are able to 'click' with is extremely reduced. You have to try and find someone who understands you. The way I rationalise it is that social interaction is a tough thing for me to do. It's an effort to maintain. Why would I do something that I'm not comfortable with? So actually for most of my life, I've kept myself to myself. I limit myself to someone who accepts that I'm a bit quiet and doesn't mind. Yeah that's ONE person who I can say is a friend. And to call someone a friend, I apply the rule that they have to contact me spontaneously (not me contacting them) to either suggest doing something, or calling round to see me. There's only one person outside my immediate family who does that.
Your isolation is obviously something that really bothers you, and I'm sorry about that. I really wish I could suggest something that would improve that situation for you. I still do think that shared interests and experiences are the best way to go. But you need to find the right people for you.
 
hicks

hicks

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In a galaxy, far far away..
And in terms of the types of people you could socialise with, aren't those people who have the same problems as you ideal? In an attempt to connect up my daughter with a friend, we've recently made contact with a family on Facebook, who have a daughter with similar social issues and anxieties. The two girls have had some email communication, and openly talked about their difficulties. There's some resonance there, and I'm hopeful that they can strike up a friendship, on some level. The point I'm trying to make is that they're being open about their problems, and talking about their feelings. Now whether this will translate to a friendship bond in real life, I couldn't say. Have you tried being more open with someone about your issues? You talk about awkwardness, well that's what you would expect with a group of socially anxious people. Immaturity, hmm that's another thing, and if they're not on your level, then that's going to be a problem.
 
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indigo6

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Jan 30, 2019
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537
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UK
We all want to find people we connect with, its being disconnected,understood and alone that stings. You can be with a group of people but still be alone.
I wonder how much is to do with the deep thinking and analysing that is part of my conditions.
 
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CEVRAM

Active member
Joined
Sep 22, 2019
Messages
42
Location
Portugal
And in terms of the types of people you could socialise with, aren't those people who have the same problems as you ideal? In an attempt to connect up my daughter with a friend, we've recently made contact with a family on Facebook, who have a daughter with similar social issues and anxieties. The two girls have had some email communication, and openly talked about their difficulties. There's some resonance there, and I'm hopeful that they can strike up a friendship, on some level. The point I'm trying to make is that they're being open about their problems, and talking about their feelings. Now whether this will translate to a friendship bond in real life, I couldn't say. Have you tried being more open with someone about your issues? You talk about awkwardness, well that's what you would expect with a group of socially anxious people. Immaturity, hmm that's another thing, and if they're not on your level, then that's going to be a problem.
Many of the people from this community I mentioned are definitely socially anxious but they will normally be at their highest confort level when engaging with fellow community members in which these people tend to open a lot more. I think the overall awkwardness is given to a generalised lack of social skills and immaturity than legitimate anxiety, something that's most likely present at its peak form in their non virtual lives.

I suffer from a lack of confidence and fear of rejection and I've felt such rejection in numerous occasions on this artwork driven community. I do open up to people and elaborate about my personal issues to them under what I perceive as the right circumstances and sometimes they will mirror said gesture towards myself yet I'm often met with the feeling that although a few of these people seem to listen, they don't genuinely care.

I grew tired of having to make the first move a lot more often than not and providing all the fuel for a conversation to flourish towards people who were supposed to enjoy spending time with me or so they said...how am I supposed to feel valued and cared for under such conditions? I don't want to always be the guy who reaches out at others because that causes me to see myself as a nuisance and a burden. If people show no willingness or interest in pulling me into a meaningful conversation then I simply can't formulate a genuine belief that they actually like or want me around. The way I see things, it gets to a point in which you exposed yourself enough to someone in a very constructive manner so that any social anxiety barriers they have should get dissipated IF..if, you truly mean anything to them, that's the key element for me.
 
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CEVRAM

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Sep 22, 2019
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Portugal
I don't want this to give the impression that I have some sort of moral value above these people, heck, I'm a pool of flaws so couldn't ever reasonably put myself on a pedestal of human morality but I can't help binging on the impression that people from certain online communities such as this one I've going on about are mostly looking towards self recognition and exploiting others, not necessarily in a wicked manner, for their own personal gain. There's a lot more emphasis on taking than giving but don't get me wrong, most people will be nice and friendly, its just that they show little to no signs of having the interest and/or ability to nurture the slow and steady growth of a closely knit friendship since they thrive on instant gratification and as we all know, building friendships isn't just about fun and jokes.
 
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CEVRAM

Active member
Joined
Sep 22, 2019
Messages
42
Location
Portugal
If what I'm saying sounds quite stupid and selfish for the older and wiser folks who have a lot more life experience and knowledge under their belts than me, I apologize for it. I still have a lot to learn and a good sum of my wording criteria comes from an intense internal dread related to failed and unfortunate past events.
 
hicks

hicks

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Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
899
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In a galaxy, far far away..
It has been my observation that with any new group of people I join in person, they don't make an effort to make me welcome or integrate me into the group. It has always required active effort on my part to approach and talk to people. Otherwise I'm just fairly isolated. Maybe it's something about me that screams 'unsociable!!' :)
I'm not btw, I'm very personable. Talk to me, you'll like me I'm sure!

I agree, building friendships isn't just about fun and jokes, but that's the way most people get comfortable with each other. If you can't communicate in that mode straight off, not because you lack a sense of humour, but because you are extremely anxious and self-conscious, then you're going to struggle. As I mentioned before, most people make a snap judgement on you within the first few seconds. First impressions are important!
 
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indigo6

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Jan 30, 2019
Messages
537
Location
UK
If what I'm saying sounds quite stupid and selfish for the older and wiser folks who have a lot more life experience and knowledge under their belts than me, I apologize for it. I still have a lot to learn and a good sum of my wording criteria comes from an intense internal dread related to failed and unfortunate past events.
Nothing to apologise for. Resonates.
 
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