Loneliness - flood of tears in therapy

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johnram

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For a long time, i was shut out of my emotions. i lived on autopilot, however this recovery journey has been changing that, and more so in the past 3/4 months through some EMDR.

I was discussing with my therapist yesterday what area we should cover next (we have a long list), and working out strong feelings, and the word "loneliness" popped into my head, and then i was suddenly scared of it, as in i felt the pain of it immediately - we agreed to go with that as the next topic, and then a memory came to my head, and i broke down crying, a deep physical cry (for me)

For me that is a big deal, i have cried during EMDR when i am deep in, but never during normal talk therapy.

In many ways, i am glad for my own bravery and change to come to this point, but i am also scared to enter this topic of loneliness as it now feels like one of the most key issues in my story, which makes sense.

Loneliness makes complete sense as a big wound for me - my parents both used me for their needs or neglected me, my mother ran off when i was young (returned later - but any form of relationship was gone), i have made weak friendships over the years who havent cared when i needed more, and my whole journey of struggle has been very solo, part of that is the shame of it all, but also the inability to articulate to myself my pain, let alone another.
the fact i am writing this here before i carry onward with this, and the fact i cried in the manner i did, offers me hope of change, it isnt easy these recoveries, but i dont feel i have a choice, if i want to be more than that which was given (taken away) from me

posting to share, posting for thoughts from others, but also posting because its helping me get some sense
 
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I think you’ve entered into a large part of your problem. I think possible due to your upbringing you’ve coped with things on your own and hid your feelings.and not opened up to what’s gone on. I know you will need to take your time. Writing it all down can be very therapeutic. I don’t know if you write in the journals section but it can be a good place to indulge yourself and not think about others. Just write what’s in your head and heart. You could even start with your childhood feelings. Hope this helps
 
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johnram

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Thank you, that helps and makes sense
 
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Jules5

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Hi Johnram. Wow Hitting a sore tough spot is hard and scary to me. I wish you the best outcome during your treatment. I am alone without much outside support. I start my therapy next week very scared about unpeeling my emotions with someone. Scared of being alone with myself thinking about what was discussed during therapy.

I am going to try very hard to start a journal during therapy so I can get my fears out on paper and not let them control who I am and want to become. I just want relief from all this pain and suffering due to mental health. Therapy is definitely a leap forward in the right direction. I guess it will be a journey for all of us.

Hugs and best wishes Jules
 
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johnram

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Hi Johnram. Wow Hitting a sore tough spot is hard and scary to me. I wish you the best outcome during your treatment. I am alone without much outside support. I start my therapy next week very scared about unpeeling my emotions with someone. Scared of being alone with myself thinking about what was discussed during therapy.

I am going to try very hard to start a journal during therapy so I can get my fears out on paper and not let them control who I am and want to become. I just want relief from all this pain and suffering due to mental health. Therapy is definitely a leap forward in the right direction. I guess it will be a journey for all of us.

Hugs and best wishes Jules

thank you Jules, i think the journalling makes sense that you both recommended

therapy can feel like as you described, and it can be hard, but i am starting to believe others when they say its brave to do therapy, as most people dont face up to life's problems.

Whatever happens, i think this forum is great resource for getting the feelings written down

good luck to you
 
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johnram

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Found the need to continue this post, as i had a further experience.

In therapy, during EMDR i had another breakdown again, but it was very confusing, as it was me at the age of 1 or 2, remembering not wanting to be near my dad. I know over the years he will torment me and twist me against my mother and do other narcissistic / vile things, but i had held that sub the age of 4/5 things were "ok" with him, but the power and intensity of this memory of not being able to be near mum (she had post natal depression / was hospitalised for a long time in my early childhood, and was schizophrenic) but also not wanting to be near my dad was very strong

i am glad its finding a way out, but its knocked me down for a couple days now

sharing
 
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