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Living With The People Who Caused Pain

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DunkinDonutGal

Active member
Joined
Apr 2, 2020
Messages
41
Location
Los Angeles, CA
So I am due to be re-evaluated this week after years of not getting any better with my depression and anxiety. Really hoping that I can find more peace in this re-evaluation as I’ve been struggling to fully express myself in therapy because I’ve recently realized behaviors about myself and the people in my life weren’t actually as normal as I had thought. I struggled immensely socially, said out loud that I wanted to kill myself out of immense boredom at age 10, and was overall not satisfied with myself (image wise and personality) . Below is just one example of what’s got me re-analyzing myself.

I grew up in a household that used physical punishment as a form of abuse. I also grew up in a house that never said sorry and would yell and shout. And my parents were the type to fight in front of their children constantly. I always thought it was normal because that’s all I saw. I also thought emotional manipulation in the form of “family is family no matter what” type of mentality was normal despite the harmful behaviors “family” was inflicting on me.

This quarantine has been rough on me. I am a twenty something who still lives at home with my parents and my older siblings. It’s so hard to escape my emotions and past actions. Like they are the type to say they love me and in a way I still love them too but I can’t shake off childhood memories from them. I can’t tell if I’m the one at fault or if they went about parenting me wrong.

I keep ruminating on a memory from when I was about 12/13 years old. My parents and I and my older brother went to a family friend’s house. My parents usually drink and smoke at these places and leave late. They dragged us because we were still young and I usually went with them to places like this. When it was time to leave, I remember being quite sleepy. I brushed off saying good bye to the family friends ( a couple) and I remember my parents telling me to kiss and hug them good bye (a cultural thing) and I guess I tried to be cute and brush them off and wave them away with my hand ( I know, very rude). (Side note: I remember acting this way to my parents at home and they laughed but since it wasn’t home, it came off as completely rude). So anyway we leave and as soon as we get into the car (my mom driving, dad in passenger seat, my brother next to me) my dad starts yelling at me (combination of anger, embarrassment of having to raise a kid like me and alcohol, most likely). He starts yelling basically screaming at me for embarrassing them and puts his fist on my knee. He would say something like “ YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO SOMETHING LIKE AGAIN, DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?” and I was bursting tears already and I would mumble a “...yes” but because it wasn’t clear enough he pounded his fist on my knee and said “DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!”. So I had to cry out “Yes.” He asked me more questions and would pound on my knee until I gave him a firm “yes” quite a few times. I don’t recall it hurting but I just remember being incredibly sad and hurt. Wondering why my dad had to go about disciplining me the way he was. I can’t help but think my trauma as a child made me think about this memory. I remember for years to come, he would remind me of the disrespect I showed even when it was like three years on...he eventually hugged me that night but I still can’t shake that memory off..This wasn’t the first time he was angry like this at me. I think in some ways I was a rude kid but I truly believe the punishment didn’t fit the crime as they just went straight to yelling and I never really got a calm explanation of what I did wrong. (I think there’s some undiagnosed mental illness in my family) I remember being 5...a very young age and he threw a disposable camera at my forehead for not keeping quiet. I recall him beating my brother with a belt on a Saturday and I could hear my father yelling and the door shaking and my brother screaming.

And don’t get me started on my mother who I think about in the same way I think about my dad...

Anyway..
I don’t really know what the point is but this quarantined climate is making me reflect a lot. The way I’ve acted toward people (I was a pretty shitty younger sister, yelling, screaming, hitting my brothers...we barely have a relationship now despite living under one roof) and the way people have treated me (bullied.,etc). Am I just an overall horrible person? I don’t know but these memories are making me very angry at myself and the people involved. I happen to live with these people...ugh. I also can’t believe I can’t move on from memories that happened a decade or so ago.
 
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Jrchmn

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 17, 2018
Messages
76
No you are not a horrible person. The way you treated others was the way that made the most sense in that environment. When you’ve experienced abuse with in the home you don’t know what normal behaviour is from others. You’re a target for bullies and abusers because you lack the knowledge of normal behaviour and the support of parents.
Now that you are an adult if your parents adult you you can turn to the police. You are also physically bigger and stronger and able to minimise injury. With your siblings remember they grew up in the same environment you did and will have their own trauma. If you have anything you can share with them at this time, books,dvds, exercise consider using it as an olive branch. You will feel better about yourself if you have a better relationship with them.
 
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DunkinDonutGal

Active member
Joined
Apr 2, 2020
Messages
41
Location
Los Angeles, CA
No you are not a horrible person. The way you treated others was the way that made the most sense in that environment. When you’ve experienced abuse with in the home you don’t know what normal behaviour is from others. You’re a target for bullies and abusers because you lack the knowledge of normal behaviour and the support of parents.
Now that you are an adult if your parents adult you you can turn to the police. You are also physically bigger and stronger and able to minimise injury. With your siblings remember they grew up in the same environment you did and will have their own trauma. If you have anything you can share with them at this time, books,dvds, exercise consider using it as an olive branch. You will feel better about yourself if you have a better relationship with them.

thank
No you are not a horrible person. The way you treated others was the way that made the most sense in that environment. When you’ve experienced abuse with in the home you don’t know what normal behaviour is from others. You’re a target for bullies and abusers because you lack the knowledge of normal behaviour and the support of parents.
Now that you are an adult if your parents adult you you can turn to the police. You are also physically bigger and stronger and able to minimise injury. With your siblings remember they grew up in the same environment you did and will have their own trauma. If you have anything you can share with them at this time, books,dvds, exercise consider using it as an olive branch. You will feel better about yourself if you have a better relationship with them.
Thank you for helping me see it from another perspective. Its been very hard to see it any other way because I live with them and have been raised in such a way that everything is my fault. They have been wondering why I have been going to my room right after work and keep myself holed up there for the rest of the night. They would ask me in a victim-tone. Very whiny. Sometimes I want to say “it’s because I’m trying to make sense of everything that I’ve lived through from child to adult and it happens to involve you” but I know it would invite an explosion of playing the victim so I don’t even go there. I’m only realizing now that not everything they say is necessarily true. And sometimes the way they say things can make all the difference to a persons emotional growth. Spankings and yelling and screaming aren’t the answer and I’m starting to realize that now as I start to interact with people I’ve truly come to care about.
 
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