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Living with Someone You Hate

L

LokiPokey75

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Today was a strange, if somewhat revelatory day. I came to the conclusion that I hate my mother. Honestly, it upsets me to say it to all of you, but I do. I've spent most of my life hating my mother, but I disregarded my feelings because I thought they were illogical. My mom's a good woman with a good heart. She's not neglectful or abusive, yet our relationship is toxic. Her parenting style stunted my growth. She's made me question my judgment, my feelings, my decisions; she's encouraged me to think positive rather than feel my feelings; she's made me distrust my abilities; she's filled me with uncertainty and insecurities springing from a lack of independence.

It's hard to explain my entire home life in a single post and I can imagine there will be people that think my feelings are unfounded. But I'm getting past that now. I forgive her mistakes, but not her lack of self-awareness. I've even wished I had a different mother because we are such opposites.

But what I wanted to ask here is how do you live with someone you hate? I can't drive, I can't afford to live on my own, I have no close connections. I spend most of my time with my mother because I have no other options. But I kind of hate it. We get along, we share interests, it goes well enough most days. It's just getting harder these days when I want so much more.
 
S

siliconom

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Blaming parents for our problems is one of the easiest and most futile things we can do. It cannot help us in any way. If it wasn't for her you would never of been born.

Learn to get along. You have to compromise because she wont
 
L

LokiPokey75

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Blaming parents for our problems is one of the easiest and most futile things we can do. It cannot help us in any way. If it wasn't for her you would never of been born.

Learn to get along. You have to compromise because she wont
Normally, I would agree with you siliconom, but allowing myself to attach blame, to let me feel my anger towards her was helpful for me. I needed to trust myself and believe that there was a reason to blame her. Otherwise, I would have kept distrusting myself and my resentment would have grown.

I opened a valve and let my frustrations out.
 
Ladyfair

Ladyfair

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I don't have a mother anymore she passed away years ago. I miss her and always will, your blessed.
 
S

Support4depression

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I'm probably the mom in your situation. I think my teen hates me. I love him even if he hates me. I would rather him me open with me about it (but still respectful). I would rather him tell me how hurt he is, how limited he feels, how mad he is at me. But he just keeps it all inside and says that he doesn't want to talk to me about his depression. I only knew the severity of his depression because the parent of his friend told me about it. I know your situation is probably not the same, but try to talk to your mom. Ask to see a therapist if you are financially able to. Tell her that you hate her, but you don't know why and you don't want to. She will probably want to help you and I suspect that she will want to try to understand you. Sometimes we parents try to find solutions - tell her that you just want her to listen - not to solve anything.
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

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You dont hate your mother. As you've pointed out in your post shes not a bad person, what you hate is your relationship and the choices she has made in the past. Well the past cant be changed, but you can control your relationship. You say you get along doing most things, so just limit your interaction to those things. You say your limited on your independence, so focus on that so you're not so dependant on her. If your main problem is her influence on your life then just make it clear you dont want it unless asked, but as another pointed out some people arent lucky enough to have mothers and you should try to at least be civil because she will be gone one day and you may regret things.
 
I

Inie

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Jan 30, 2021
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California
Today was a strange, if somewhat revelatory day. I came to the conclusion that I hate my mother. Honestly, it upsets me to say it to all of you, but I do. I've spent most of my life hating my mother, but I disregarded my feelings because I thought they were illogical. My mom's a good woman with a good heart. She's not neglectful or abusive, yet our relationship is toxic. Her parenting style stunted my growth. She's made me question my judgment, my feelings, my decisions; she's encouraged me to think positive rather than feel my feelings; she's made me distrust my abilities; she's filled me with uncertainty and insecurities springing from a lack of independence.

It's hard to explain my entire home life in a single post and I can imagine there will be people that think my feelings are unfounded. But I'm getting past that now. I forgive her mistakes, but not her lack of self-awareness. I've even wished I had a different mother because we are such opposites.

But what I wanted to ask here is how do you live with someone you hate? I can't drive, I can't afford to live on my own, I have no close connections. I spend most of my time with my mother because I have no other options. But I kind of hate it. We get along, we share interests, it goes well enough most days. It's just getting harder these days when I want so much more.
I don't have a mother anymore she passed away years ago. I miss her and always will, your blessed.
Mine just recently passed. l miss her too. Does time heal....?
 
Ladyfair

Ladyfair

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Mine just recently passed. l miss her too. Does time heal....?
Hi I'm sorry about your mother. I would say as time goes by the hurt isn't as bad. In my opinion you never really get over the loss you just go on best you can..
 
I

Inie

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Hi I'm sorry about your mother. I would say as time goes by the hurt isn't as bad. In my opinion you never really get over the loss you just go on best you can..
Thanks for understanding. I know she is in a better place free from pain. I like to think we will be able to see our departed loved ones again when it’s our time.
 
L

LokiPokey75

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Apr 1, 2020
Messages
624
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United States
I'm probably the mom in your situation. I think my teen hates me. I love him even if he hates me. I would rather him me open with me about it (but still respectful). I would rather him tell me how hurt he is, how limited he feels, how mad he is at me. But he just keeps it all inside and says that he doesn't want to talk to me about his depression. I only knew the severity of his depression because the parent of his friend told me about it. I know your situation is probably not the same, but try to talk to your mom. Ask to see a therapist if you are financially able to. Tell her that you hate her, but you don't know why and you don't want to. She will probably want to help you and I suspect that she will want to try to understand you. Sometimes we parents try to find solutions - tell her that you just want her to listen - not to solve anything.
Hi Support4depression!

Thank you for you response. I'm sorry you're going through this right now with your teenager. I think I probably felt these things when I was a teenager (I'm now in my 20s), but I let it fester because I didn't address it.

I have gotten therapy. It's helped me tremendously. More than anything, I finally had somebody that heard my side of the story, somebody that didn't jump down my throat and tell me I was misinterpreting her when I observed something that bothered me. It's what's given me the power to believe my feelings are not wrong.

My mom knows I'm depressed. I've told her I wish I had a different mother. And although I didn't say it to her directly, when I was talking to myself in the shower once, she overheard me say I may not want her in my life. It's hard to admit, but I stand by those feelings. When somebody's hurt you and repressed you as much as my mom has, it's difficult to not want someone that hears you out.

I've wanted my mom to listen to me, but I don't think she understands what that means. There's being silent for a few moments before you offer your side of things, then there's truly shutting the hell up to let the person talk while you try to find a way to empathize and understand. My mom's the former, offering unsolicited advice and appearing hurt when I don't take it.

I just want us to be people now instead of mother and daughter. But I've lived at home my whole life, and until I get out, we won't have a healthier dynamic. She probably knows I hate her; I don't think it'd come as a surprise, but I don't think it would help either.

I wish you better luck with your son.
 
L

LokiPokey75

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Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
624
Location
United States
You dont hate your mother. As you've pointed out in your post shes not a bad person, what you hate is your relationship and the choices she has made in the past. Well the past cant be changed, but you can control your relationship. You say you get along doing most things, so just limit your interaction to those things. You say your limited on your independence, so focus on that so you're not so dependant on her. If your main problem is her influence on your life then just make it clear you dont want it unless asked, but as another pointed out some people arent lucky enough to have mothers and you should try to at least be civil because she will be gone one day and you may regret things.
Hi Zack!

That's probably true what you're saying, but it doesn't feel like enough anymore to describe the depth of my feelings. Sure, I hate our dynamic, but I still hate her too for the pain she's caused me. I can tell that, despite how intelligent and perceptive she is, she doesn't quite get that she's been the biggest reason why I suffer to make connections, to move forward with my life, and to believe in myself.

I am trying to become independent in ways, but that's very hard to do right now when everyone's stuck at home. Before I just chose to be at home rather than go out most days because I had very little motivation; now I'm forced to be here, around her. If I wasn't working, I'd be pretty much intolerable. Work is the only thing keeping me sane.

My mom has given me more distance over time, but I know it hurts her and then I feel guilty for wanting that distance. Just this morning, she told me she thought I should wear my jacket to work because it's cold when I knew I wouldn't need it because I build up so much heat walking around indoors. She went to get the jacket and I told her I didn't need it. Years ago, she would have pressed on, claiming in case of emergency as her reasoning and disregarding my decision. She doesn't do that as much now, but she looked pissed off when I told her I didn't want to take my jacket. It's these little moments that make me feel she doesn't really respect me. There's looking out for your child and then there's letting her make decisions, even if you don't agree with them.

I've tried to make things clear to her, and while she has made some changes, it's like she's only doing it to please me. I think she feels like I don't accept her for who she is, but at the same time, if who you are hurts and limits me, I don't want to accept that. That's not good enough for me. So I just try to avoid her a lot because I don't always like being around her or dealing with her.

I am civil. I've learned how I react to her and I try not to do that anymore. Luckily, because my mom's backed off, I don't feel I have to as often. So I'll just keep trying to see her as an individual rather than my mother and hope I can move past the hatred I feel inside.
 
T

toto

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It is impossible to change your mother. If you somehow manage to recover and start working to move ... that's a solution. I don't think you hate her, you're just tired of living with her. You're tired. You may be annoyed by something in her - it's normal. It would be nice to clarify with a therapist where she went wrong in your past. Sometimes this psychoanalysis is useful and you change after it. (You stop blaming yourself at least) Just try to do the things you forgot to do as a child now.
 
T

toto

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I also can't stand mine sometimes. I tried to argue with her, but then I thought about it. Now I am talking to her about general matters, as she herself asked, without sharing how it is between me and my husband. Parents can be very harmful. I am a parent myself and I pray that I do not harm the children with my psychoses.
 
T

toto

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Now I read that you are already working. And you visited a therapist. This will definitely help you. It seems to me that at the time she put you in the position "You don't love me enough?" and instilled in you a sense of guilt by demanding the behavior she desired? It's good to trust your feelings. Ask the psychologist about emotional intelligence. You may dislike your mother, but you don't hate her. They get closer to each other, but it's still different. Love also includes anger, rage.

hostility
hate
 
T

toto

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Unfortunately, the translation is bad again.
There is a difference between hostility/ contempt and hatred.
 
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