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Living with recently diagnosed BPD partner

J

Justsad

New member
Joined
Dec 2, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Spain
Hi there,
I'm not sure if I have found this place in time or not...
I have been with my partner for 3 years. He was always a heavy drinker and 14 months into the relationship he confessed to being a coke addict. Long story short, he got clean (from coke) but started drinking more and more. At the start of this year he had what I thought was a psychotic break, several trips to ER, several suicide attempts and self harm incidents later he was diagnosed with BPD. (We broke up and got back together somewhere in there) He's now on medication for BPD and to stop drinking.
Before, he was always very tactile, thoughtful and made me feel loved and special, but now he's distant and quiet and barely touches me. I don't know how much of this is down to the illness/meds/just that he doesn't want me any more. I have tried to reassure him that I love him but at what point do I bail? (I just found out about the dating app this week, while we are on holiday together - from a fri Nd who saw his profile)
I used to think I had finally found myself a good guy and now I just feel sad and confused. Any advice welcome xx
 
Confusedandanxious

Confusedandanxious

Well-known member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
797
Location
Uk
Welcome to the forum. It sounds like a lot you're dealing with.

At what point do you bail?
The answer to that is when it is affecting your mental health and when you just cant deal with it anymore. A lot of the times I think people feel they need to push themselves an extra mile when someone has MH issues, and although it is great when they do, it's not so great when it is at the expense of their own wellbeing.

In his defense, could it be the medication and lack of drinking that is causing the current issues?
Some of the meds can just make you numb, and bpd can just make you feel that way sometimes.

Also, it's great that he is stopping the drink but it sounds like an addictive personality might be under the surface. The dating app could have been his way of trying to find something to fill that void. I'm not defending that, I disagree with that no matter what, but I do think that angle is worth pointing out. That it could just be him trying to fill a void and nothing more.

From what you've wrote here. It very well could be down to the meds and illness.
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,068
Location
Norfolk
Hi there,
I'm not sure if I have found this place in time or not...
I have been with my partner for 3 years. He was always a heavy drinker and 14 months into the relationship he confessed to being a coke addict. Long story short, he got clean (from coke) but started drinking more and more. At the start of this year he had what I thought was a psychotic break, several trips to ER, several suicide attempts and self harm incidents later he was diagnosed with BPD. (We broke up and got back together somewhere in there) He's now on medication for BPD and to stop drinking.
Before, he was always very tactile, thoughtful and made me feel loved and special, but now he's distant and quiet and barely touches me. I don't know how much of this is down to the illness/meds/just that he doesn't want me any more. I have tried to reassure him that I love him but at what point do I bail? (I just found out about the dating app this week, while we are on holiday together - from a fri Nd who saw his profile)
I used to think I had finally found myself a good guy and now I just feel sad and confused. Any advice welcome xx
It’s probable your man will always be in a state of suffering and as such will turn to self destructive coping strategies. Stopping alcohol and drugs will meal he’ll turn to other things, like social media and dating sites. It will give him temporary relief from his emotional pain, nothing more, but will ultimately make him feel worse about himself. He won’t be doing it just to hurt you, but he’ll probably be like me with no fear of consequence for his actions so they usually don’t end well.
When do you bail? My advice is when you are both in a state of perpetual suffering, then you have to make a decision to save yourself. Try to get him in a calm state then talk to him about the things is he using to cope with his pain and maybe help him to stop them.
He really needs some professional help and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) as this world help him control his emotions and get out of pain.
Good luck.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,683
Location
Nowhere
I think maybe a break might be helpful for you
if you can get away to a friends for a few days
or a hotel break ? try to do some nice things for yourself
to do with things you are passionate about
that remind you of who you are ,
think things over

:hug5: ✨
 
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