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Living with OCD.

F

Floricelfs

New member
Joined
Jun 22, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Romania
Good morning, people.

I am here to share my story about what I'm going through right now. Let's just hope that I can share all the details properly.

It all began in January. Online classes happened, got back in touch with my classmates. I was acting pretty shy, as I always do when I reconnect with people I know. Having spent almost two weeks without getting in touch with them, in which I started doing stuff that I loved, they seemed pretty different to me, the way they're acting, speaking, and all that, toxic might be the proper word for it. But I didn't mind it at all.

One day though, while we were playing games, one of my classmates started making fun of me for acting like that.
And I don't know how it happened, but his words just tied themselves into my mind, I even remember them now.
My first reaction was, "Okay, it's bothering me, but it will pass, it always does".
The next day I woke up with the same words being played over and over again. I became very stressed, very clumsy at that time, I didn't know what to do about it. I thought that they kept making fun of me every single day, because of that phrase. I kept thinking, "What is wrong with me? I was okay last month, I enjoyed the things I love, and I'm proud of myself."
I managed to get rid of it through various compulsions to get these thoughts off my mind, including repeating certain words. I even had some sort of guardians that were trying to fight these thoughts off. Sounds amusing, but it worked.
And I was proud of it. My self-esteem was off-charts. It was the first time in my life when I could do things without worrying too much about it. I felt like everyone was proud of me.

Then physical school started. That is where it all goes down the drain.
Meeting up with my classmates was not so bad after all, I realised that they never wanted to do me any harm, and I was sorry for ghosting them for so long.
Now that my biggest problem got solved, what is wrong, you might ask? Past memories happened.
Everything was fine in first week, yet I noticed that I started doubting the things I did in the past. At any moment, a thought from the past would pop up in my mind, waiting for me to explain it. It feels like I'm not even living the present moments anymore. I keep getting obsessive thoughts about what I did in the past, as if I did something bad.
This feels way worse than what happened in these past months. I cannot do the things that I like because I feel guilt and fear, I feel that people hate me now for the things that I did in the past. Although I know it's not true, these embarrassing moments keep appearing in my mind, and I cannot stop them. I'm very isolated right now, I feel disconnected. Why would I consider them negative thoughts? I don't know, really. This never was a problem in the past, but now it causes me constant anxiety.

Might it be real-event OCD? As much as I've done my research, I want to be sure about it.
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

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Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
6,601
Location
A comet
Have you come across mindfulness meditation? It could be of help to you?
 
F

Floricelfs

New member
Joined
Jun 22, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Romania
Have you come across mindfulness meditation? It could be of help to you?
I did not give it a try. I used to practice mindfulness some months ago, it helped me keep my mind sane. I was able to do it without meditation.

I might look into it.
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
6,601
Location
A comet
I did not give it a try. I used to practice mindfulness some months ago, it helped me keep my mind sane. I was able to do it without meditation.

I might look into it.
I see. I hope it can be of help to you again.
It's easy for me to say, do not engage with the OCD. If a thought about the past forms, then acknowledge that it's there but you don't have to go with it.
 
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