- Apr 26, 2020
- Washington, US
I appreciate your kind words, but I do not require support or love that I could not reciprocate. You seem like a very kind and thoughtful person who has suffered abuse. I certainly should not be giving advice but this is an experiment on my part so I shall.I have looked into this and thought about it a lot, and I'm not sure that I could consider it narcissism only because I do have terrible guilt over it. I am not a very sexual person and have extreme anxiety when it comes to sex so the only desire it fulfills is to feel like I'm attractive. The way I act is extremely inconsiderate sometimes but I know that I do harbor a lot of guilt over ways I've hurt people, even from childhood and often spiral when I think about it and do drugs to try and forget about it. I know that I have bad self esteem issues (I hate to make excuses like this but I think it's because my mother's boyfriend has called me fat/ugly as a way to get under my skin since I was 10 years old) and feel like my self worth is only determined by the opinions of others, because I feel like my opinions are useless, so I feel that maybe could be the cause of my attention seeking. But regardless of what the condition is it still sucks to constantly want attention and to hurt other people because of it, I wish I could feel validated in other ways. I'm very sorry to hear that you deal with that as well, having conditions that make you act in a way that society isn't approving of fucking sucks, but you still deserve love and support xx
Allowing other people's opinions of you to harm you is not productive. You are an individual being with agency and cognition. Life is beautiful as it is dangerous and scary. You choose how to react to outside stimuli, for better or worse. Confidence can be learned and practiced like any other endeavor. You should not have to feel obligated to act outside of obligations that you commit yourself to. If someone tells you are fat or ugly, that is just their opinion and everyone born has one. People tell me I am cruel or heartless occasionally because they only see the surface, they do not see the struggle I contend with to become a better person. You have value, but only if you allow yourself to feel valued and take care of yourself first. You can not feed your friends if you are starving, please look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you got this. Strength is not given, it is produced by will.