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Living with HPD: Histrionic Personality Disorder

Tin Woodman

Tin Woodman

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 26, 2020
Messages
50
Location
Washington, US
I have looked into this and thought about it a lot, and I'm not sure that I could consider it narcissism only because I do have terrible guilt over it. I am not a very sexual person and have extreme anxiety when it comes to sex so the only desire it fulfills is to feel like I'm attractive. The way I act is extremely inconsiderate sometimes but I know that I do harbor a lot of guilt over ways I've hurt people, even from childhood and often spiral when I think about it and do drugs to try and forget about it. I know that I have bad self esteem issues (I hate to make excuses like this but I think it's because my mother's boyfriend has called me fat/ugly as a way to get under my skin since I was 10 years old) and feel like my self worth is only determined by the opinions of others, because I feel like my opinions are useless, so I feel that maybe could be the cause of my attention seeking. But regardless of what the condition is it still sucks to constantly want attention and to hurt other people because of it, I wish I could feel validated in other ways. I'm very sorry to hear that you deal with that as well, having conditions that make you act in a way that society isn't approving of fucking sucks, but you still deserve love and support xx
I appreciate your kind words, but I do not require support or love that I could not reciprocate. You seem like a very kind and thoughtful person who has suffered abuse. I certainly should not be giving advice but this is an experiment on my part so I shall.

Allowing other people's opinions of you to harm you is not productive. You are an individual being with agency and cognition. Life is beautiful as it is dangerous and scary. You choose how to react to outside stimuli, for better or worse. Confidence can be learned and practiced like any other endeavor. You should not have to feel obligated to act outside of obligations that you commit yourself to. If someone tells you are fat or ugly, that is just their opinion and everyone born has one. People tell me I am cruel or heartless occasionally because they only see the surface, they do not see the struggle I contend with to become a better person. You have value, but only if you allow yourself to feel valued and take care of yourself first. You can not feed your friends if you are starving, please look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you got this. Strength is not given, it is produced by will.
 
A

amongparadise

Active member
Joined
Jun 7, 2020
Messages
25
Location
Hawaii
Hi everyone

So I’m going to try and explain my story and keep it at brief as I can. I’ve suffered with HPD for about 15 years although in the beginning I didn’t know that that was what it was. I was a big tomboy when I was younger so I wasn‘t really interested in boys until I got to college. I got my first boyfriend at 16 and I became completely obsessed with him. I would come into college 3 hours earlier than I needed to be just to see him, would ditch classes to spend time with him and even dropped a whole subject all together so we could share the same lunch period. But while I was with him I also had interest from other guys and instead of just being flattered I would encourage this attention.

Throughout college I cheated on my boyfriend numerous times but because I was also so obsessed with him I couldn’t bring myself to end things with him. I loved how all this attention would make me feel. It wasn’t until I left school and went out to work full time that I knew I had a problem. I entered into quite a large group of friends and we would go out pretty much every weekend. At first I set my sights on the boys in our group, texting them, showing off for them. I was very lucky at that age to be super skinny and I would wear the tiniest outfits, the shortest skirts to get noticed. I had to feel like someone was giving me attention, like someone really wanted me. I slowly went round the group, sleeping with most of the guys, even the ones with girlfriends. But I also couldn’t give up being in a relationship. it was like I needed to solid, stable base and then went about doing what I wanted. As soon as the attention would dry up with one guy I would just jump immediately to someone else. I gained a terrible reputation, lost so many friends and was ironically becoming very lonely and isolated.

I have done some truly awful and embarrassing things in pursuit of attention. I’ve waited for guys outside their work places, sometimes for hours, my friends would bet me that I couldn’t sleep with a certain guy in a club and I’d go and do it, any guy that gave me even a single glance I would become obsessed with, having to know if they liked me, needing them to like me, to fall in love with me. Ive slept with my best friend‘s boyfriend on their anniversary with her in the next room getting ready to go out. I’ve cheated on every partner I’ve ever had. And it didn’t stop with guys. I knew quite early on I was bisexual so I started going out and pursuing girls.

The problem was that I watched so many movies when I was young and became convinced my life was going to turn out like a rom com. I’ve always had this obsession that this guy is going to meet me, fall in love with him and confess his undying love to me. He would propose in a huge romantic way in front of lots of people and we would have a massive white wedding and everything would be perfect. And it just never happened. I think I’ve only ever been asked out by two guys in my whole life. Of everyone that I’ve met and slept with or text or fooled around with, I am always the one to start it. And this is probably due to the fact that I’ve never been single. I say never, the longest is probably about 3 months. I’ve always needed to be in a relationship, to have someone wanting to be with me.

As I got older, into my twenties, the lies and the fantasies started and this was when things started to get really quite bad. I would sit and day dream, literally all day, about scenarios I thought would happen. For example, I was chatting to this guy and I told him I was at work on my own and I was so bored. In my head, he came down to my office with a huge bunch of flowers, saying he couldn’t bear for me to be on my own and it would be a lovely surprise. Of course this didn’t happen and when my Fantasies didn’t go my way I would get really upset and feel really offended. I would lie all the time to people when trying to get their attention. I would purposely not text them or call them for a couple of days and then message them saying id been in hospital. I’ve told people I need support because my mum was ill (she’s never been ill), ive Said that I’ve been in abusive relationships so I could fulfill a ‘being rescued’ fantasy. My life revolves around fantasies, even tiny ones. I turn every situation into a fantasy eg a new neighbour moves in next door. He meets me and we become friends but he secretly loves me until one day he can’t keep it in any more and he reveals his true feelings. Needless to say none of the fantasies have ever come true and when they don’t I spiral into quite a bad depression.

Im now 32 years old and have finally accepted that I have a problem. I have been with my husband for 11 years and yes I have cheated on him numerous times. I’ve been through therapy twice and am on medication but every day is a day to day battle. HPD for me is living with an addiction. The buzz I get from getting attention and having so called fantasies fulfilled is all consuming. It is a life changing addiction and a horrible disorder to live with. I know many will read this and judge and comment that I’m a nasty selfish person. And you’re probably right. But if you’ve ever struggled with an addiction then you’ll know how hard it is to fight when it takes over your whole life. I know this post is quite long and I haven’t even covered half of what I wanted to but I just wanted to tell my story and reach out and see if anyone else is suffering with this or has a similar experience.

Thanks for reading

Star xxxx
no judgments! appreciate your honestly and can relate to your post in different ways. I have bpd and also attention seeking. was very promiscuous in high school. sleep with like 10 guys in 2 years.In college I developed anorexia and felt shame about body so it made me not want to get naked and I stopped sleeping around but always had a bf. I cheated too. it happens. I used so many men for money. I would dress classy but there was always a body part on display. very obsessed with appearance as I alway felt like that's the only thing I had too offer. just so insecure. I was a full blown escort in nyc(I lied and told them all I was virgin so I never slept with them I just messed with their heads, letting them think it could them for my first. After I got the money, and I was sick of them after a few weeks, I'd disappear. I still feel guilt to this day for it. saying our sins to other humans and most importantly ourselves will free you slowly but surely. You're a good person that made so mistakes. you're forgiven because you're trying .

I totally understand the fantasies about a "perfect love story" and the depression that comes from knowing , its a big delusion cause by me! nobody to blame. The virus has brought out a loneliness so deep I feel my own heart breaking as I feel so helpless. you're lucky you have husband that cares for you and youre in therapy. I know you're trying and that what matters. we have to give ourselves the love we crave but its so hard. you're not alone and sending you love and a hug
 
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