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Living with an Agoraphobic

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Opheliaandme

New member
Joined
Feb 12, 2014
Messages
3
My boyfriend is the love of my life. I'm 25 and he is 41, regardless of our age gap we connected on a level I have never experienced before. We have now been together nearly 5 years and we're still so in love. He supports everything I do as I'm in education and he runs his own business doing something he is so deeply passionate about. Friends and family see us as a perfect couple and in a way I get it. We are intellectually equal, we have fascinating conversations and adore each other's company but respect one another's space.

However, we have a darkness that shrouds our lives. After being together 2 years I noticed that we rarely did things together outside of our house. He never wanted to socialise or go places. He'd travel using Google Earth rather than actually do something. I finally confronted him and I think many years of repression erupted from him as he realised he was fearful of the world. He had done many drugs in his youth and following his quitting he suffered panic attacks. We believe it was this moment in his life that began to stimulate his fear of the unknown, fear of losing control.

I did not deal with it well to begin with. I was just furious. I felt that he was exaggerating because he was lazy (he is quite lazy anyway ;) ) but I have come to accept and understand this part of him. I try to help so much. My main struggle is that his job involves much travelling and entering new environments and he will, without fail, go to these places. He loves his job, it has defined him for years. However, if I were to ask him to join me for a drink at the pub which is a 2 minute walk from our house he will get angry or dismissive. Anything I suggest is generally met with dismissal and fury. If he starts to get scared he talks to me like I am absolute trash.

I can take this abuse but I am starting to struggle with seeing why I should. I so so want to spend my life with this man. If I thought changes could be made I'd walk down the isle with him tomorrow. However, our relationship with regards to his agoraphobia is shrouded in broken promises. As I say, I try to support him and help him but as soon as the build up to the leaving of the house begins he turns into such a difficult person. I have, of course, thought of leaving but he said to me he wants to change and get better he said 'it's awful to realise you have wasted half your life and not even known it for 20 years' that broke my heart. But I don't want to walk through life alone and return home to tell the man I love how it all went.

I really would do anything. I feel that he often says things to shut me up as its easier hiding from it. I don't know how much more I can take. Is love enough? I am full of understanding but I want to experience life not watch it on TV. I know he wants it too but I don't know what else I can do to help. I have held is hand for years. What else can I do?
 
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lovagemuffin

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
640
I think it sounds like you love him very much I think you should maybe build some friendshipswith other people where you go out and have fun. tha
t wayyou have the best
of both worlds:)
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
I do think it's a good suggestion to perhaps try to seek out friendships where you can do the things you enjoy without putting any pressure on your relationship.

Has your partner ever sought any professional help?
It must be difficult anyway, but perhaps even more so if he's not currently working through his issues with the right support.

Also, i'm wondering if there are places that he feels safe to go to. Not sure if you or him drives but do you think somewhere quiet and peaceful like a local woodland would be somewhere he'd be willing to go to?
I think with any kind of mental health issue it's about taking little steps towards recovery, and so even if 5 minutes in a peaceful place is all he can manage, then that's a good start.
 
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