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Living with a partner with Severe depression and Anxiety - PLEASE HELP!

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obatchelor7

New member
Joined
Oct 17, 2017
Messages
2
Living with a partner with Severe depression and Anxiety - PLEASE HELP!

Hi guys, this is my first time posting to a forum so forgive me if I ramble on a bit... there is a lot to cover and a lot that has happened.

I have been with my partner for 2 years, we recently got engaged. I love him dearly and he has shown consistently throughout our relationship he can be thoughtful and very loving.

However, I am really struggling to cope with how he is at the minute, largely down to what he has now officially been diagnosed with; severe depression and anxiety. Many things have happened in our relationship, and often when I catch him on a good day and we talk about it he says to me that it's like he doesn't know what he's doing he goes into what we call 'self destruct mode' where he has no consideration for the fallout of his actions and doesn't care about how it hurts the people around him. This most frequently affects me.

We are a same sex couple, and when we first met he had only come to the realisation that he liked men about 18 months prior. From what I've seen he was raised in a very homophobic environment, if not always active homophobia then definitely latent (so all the emphasis on masculinity is placed on being a lad, and being a bloke and not giving a shit and almost like it's acceptable to be a bit of an arsehole sometimes because 'that's just how blokes are'). I quickly became aware that he wasn't fully comfortable with being gay, it's clear he has it in his head that it's wrong and not normal and disgusting... it's almost like he feels disgusted at himself for being gay.

A number of months ago (the night Donald Trump was elected in the USA so a double whammy bad night) I had got the feeling leading up to that night that something wasn't right. He was being very secretive with his phone, closing the door when he showered etc which isn't like him at all. I gave in and went through his phone while he was asleep, only to find numerous messages on there to other men (all sexual) where he'd even gone as far as to confirm he would arrange a convenient time to go and have a threesome with another couple. I found the messages before they arranged a date. All of these men were big, muscular guys, something he is obsessed with in both what he finds attractive and how he wants to look. I believe he has a form of body dysmorphia, he's constantly in the gym and always complains he's getting 'smaller', hes tried steroids before which took his aggression through the roof (something that is another issue I'll get to) etc etc. I was heartbroken when I found these messages I didn't feel good enough, I couldn't believe he would do it... everything I'd known about him seemed to be that he was very upfront, honest (sometimes too honest) and no bullshit. I felt very let down, but after speaking with my family they told me if I was going to get back with him then I needed to let it go, everyone makes mistakes, move on. When we spoke he was in pieces, very remorseful, very upset begging me not to go so we put in place some measures where I didn't feel like he would do it again and I said that it could never happen again. He understood, or so I thought...

I have since found messages on his phone on 5 other occasions, separated by a few weeks or months. Each time I confront him, he gets less remorseful and more defensive, eventually on the last occasion putting a password on his phone the day after because I was 'invading his privacy'.

Now I understand that this sounds like he's just a cheat, but I can see that he has literally no self esteem whatsoever. When I researched it, I found that it's surprisingly common for those with depression to seek happiness elsewhere, even if their intentions aren't to have sex just the buzz of knowing someone wants to is enough. When we have spoken about this on a number of occasions he has explained things to this effect... he basically has no friends, no social life, and my phone goes off all the time with friends from school, uni, work just people I've met throughout my life. He craves to feel like he's 'normal' so I can wrap my head around the behaviour although i understand its not acceptable... and honestly it destroys me every time he does it.

He has described to me a number of times things that happened in his life. He has told me he was in the military (Royal marines) and had a horrific experience in afganistan. He has told me that his mum kicked him out at 13. He has also told me that he was a drug dealer in his late teens as he had no other options, among other things like being homeless for a time etc etc. He has always attributed his anxiety, anger issues and depression (on days when hes willing to admit they exist) to these things. But he told me these things when he had no relationship with his family, and it didnt at the time look like he ever would. I worked tirelessly with him to help him build a bridge with his mum, which he has... but since I've met her and started to build my own (very good) relationship with her its transpired that a lot of these things he attributed the depression to where lies. Some I've confronted him on and he's admitted, others he still maintains are true. When I asked about the military, he said that a training exercise went wrong and to prevent him taking legal action against them they discharged him and sealed his records, meaning even if you applied for them online it would appear as if he was never there. He's also said that literally nobody except me knows he was in the marines (apparently something he'd always felt was his calling) and when I mentioned it to his mum she didn't know what I was talking about and he flipped out at me when I told him I'd mentioned it to her. The timeline of his life doesn't add up... apparenty joining the marines at 16 but you need parental consent for that... so it all seems a little fishy.

I'm more interested in why he feels the need to lie? Almost like he can't face the reality of his life so he's created a fantasy one and started to believe it himself. But he is so angry and unreasonable when I approach him about it, that nothing ever gets resolved. On bad days, he is unbelievably stubborn (the phrase cut your nose off to spite your face comes to mind!) and he can behave in such a childish, arrogant, ignorant and hurtful way. I can't work out when the depression influence stops and when its just his actual personality? Is he just this horrible person or am I failing him by questioning what has gone on?

He has days where he just gives up. Nothing will snap him out of it he's so angry with the world, and can be such a drain on me and everything. We can't socialise together because of a number of bad situations in the past. I've lost with relationships friends over the way he's behaved in front of them before, and even some family members.

In desperation, while basically knowing he was going to talk to other men behind my back again, I approached him with the idea of introducing a 3rd person into our sex life for an experience. Therefore I felt included and he could have some variety (something I can actually accept). I felt that perhaps not everyone is cut out for monogomy but that doesn't make them bad people or unable to have relationships?
Somehow from that conversation we ended up at the solution that he would get an escort, alone. He justified it by saying that I got to have my 20s and enjoy them and experience things that he never got to because others took it away from him ,and there are things sexually that he wanted to do that I couldn't give him (like sleep with a bodybuilder). I set my feelings aside and tried to understand, we booked him an escort and he went down to london to do it. I only asked that he call me before and after, not to kiss him and to use protection. He didn't do any of these things, even after I made him aware of how uncomfortable I felt that it was basically not what we agreed, where we both feel comfortable and secure, he was basically getting to be single for a night and do what he wanted. It caused a huge fight that he's still not taken responsibility for. He blames me for even bringing up the conversation but all I was trying to do wasa understand him and help myself cope with his behaviour? Do you think this is right? Is he right that it was my fault? Or was I justified in feeling like I needed to feel comfortable with the whole thing too? It has since transpired that he caught chlamydia from him because he didn't use protection like I asked, and has possibly given it to me, but I'm afraid to tackle this with him because of his anger. I feel like everything is my fault.

Is this something that depression can do to someone? I've seen him be rational and reasonable and kind and generous, to me and others. I believe that this anger and hatred for himself makes him behave like this, but I don't know if I'm kidding myself and he's actually just not a very nice person? Recently, he got physical with me and got me by the throat up against the wall because I'd rang my sister and told her everything asking for advice. He said we'd agreed nobody would ever know he got an escort, and now my sister knows he can never see her again and that i betrayed him. This is such an irrational response to the whole situation, but I don't know if that's his mental health stopping him from seeing I wasn't attacking him or betraying him, or if he's just selfish and unreasonable.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to cope with this behaviour? I don't know what to do when he's like this? I am so bad for not being able to leave it, I have to have a solution straight away so I always go back to him even when we've argued. But (and I'm not suggesting this source is reliable) I have actually seen on shows that deal with naughty children that all you're doing is pandering to them and they do it to get a response. He knows I'll go back to him so he's got the advantage. He's obsessed with 'winning' everything and not looking weak or insecure. I also feel like, if it is his mental health doing all of this and causing this behaviour, then I'm letting him down by not working through it with him and leaving him to it.

I feel like I've put up with so much, and I'm at my wits end. I love him to the moon and back and would do anything for him, but I just can't work out if this is behaviour that would go away if we sorted his depression and anxiety or he's just not relationship material/ a really horrible person. It has started to affect my mental health, where I feel insecure about my body, I get insecure about going out... all because I know deep down he'd rather sleep with a bodybuilder and will actually go out and look for it when the mood strikes him.

I'm so sorry for the massive post, there is just so much and I don't know how to cope. Thank you for reading all of this if you've got this far... any advice you have would be so valuable thank you so much.

Owen
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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Hi and welcome to the forum :welcome:
He sounds like my ex. Imo you cannot help someone like that. I tried with my ex and I would advise you to get as far away from him as possible and never look back.
He is destroying your mental health.
You need to protect your self.
Hugs
Fox
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Jun 13, 2015
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Whew, Owen, that was a massive post !! Welcome to the Forum, dear. You say you love him to the moon and back, but is this love or attachment ?? How about irrational attachment ?? Are you trying to FIX him or SAVE him ?? Because this doesn't sound like a relationship. It sounds like a PROJECT.

My son is gay and after a lot of men he figured out to find one who has his shit together. He found himself an attorney who is highly intelligent/educated. They have a lovely relationship together as best friends. They adore each other and instead of being embroiled in problems as you are, they are able to extend themselves into the community doing useful work.

Add to that, they have a third person in their little family. And this gay guy is into spirituality. The three of them do not waste their lives fighting. They are all like brothers. But they didn't get to this lifestyle by accident or by grabbing the first man who pays attention to you. They created this consciously.

This man of yours has severe issues that he has to want to learn about. He has to work on himself and it doesn't sound like he is keen on doing this. I use to hang onto troubled people because I was trying to re-enact my childhood; trying to have my father understand and interact with me. My father never talked to me. Long story. But it affected the men I picked.
 
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obatchelor7

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Joined
Oct 17, 2017
Messages
2
Thank you both for replying!

In all honesty I don’t know. My mum had sever depression and anxiety through my teens and eventually killed herself when I was 19, 6 weeks after we lost my nan who practically raised me. A part of me has wondered if I’m trying to fix something I failed to fix back then... but then I look at him and I just love him so much. More than any feeling I’ve ever had I would literally die for him if it came to that because as much as this post was all bad things, trust me I’ve made mistakes (Financial for example) that he was amazing with... understanding and calm and helped me sort it out and feel much better about something that used to plague me with worry.

That’s the other thing... I quit my job as a hairdresser where I earned good money to start a business with him. He has complete control of all the bank accounts (my name isn’t even on them) and I don’t have any money of my own. I have no family... they either live 100+ miles away, don’t talk to me now or are dead. Even if I wanted to leave (Which in my heart of hearts I know I don’t) I couldn’t.

It’s a such a complex situation. I have no idea what to do. He has had a really rough life as there are things I know to be true that have happened to him that should never happen to anyone. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s smart enough to manipulate me with it. Is this a common feeling for a partner of someone with depression? I’m just so torn.

Also... I found yet another message on his phone since writing my first post... one that was written and sent in between us agreeing to get him an escort and him going... so even after I had given him what he wanted he still wanted more. Am I just being a total doormat?
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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My mum had sever depression and anxiety through my teens and eventually killed herself when I was 19, 6 weeks after we lost my nan who practically raised me. A part of me has wondered if I’m trying to fix something I failed to fix back then...

You are already aware of the root source of your decisions. It's like you are on automatic pilot.
 
M

Mequila

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Nov 12, 2017
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2
I understand completely what you are going through! My partner has cheated to. Multiple times!! And it does hurt n makes you feel so low. But at the same time you love your partner n you know life would just be unbearable without them. My partner has been diagnosed with mental illnesses as well and a major Case of depression. And like you said who am I to leave him to deal with it himself. That just shows how big your heart is
 
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