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Living on the edge

R

Retaw

Well-known member
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
158
Location
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I’d like to talk about what’s happening to me and hopefully it’s at least a bit understandable. It’s going to be a long post, because I want to be clear what’s going on with me.

I suffer from severe anxiety and other weird problems. I haven’t had a clear diagnose. I’ve been to therapy multiple times and I have heard a few things coming by like avoidant personality disorder, agoraphobia, ocd, autism and more. The only thing I’m aware of is my official diagnose on ADHD and social anxiety disorder. The last one is obvious for me. I feel severely anxious around people, but it does not seem like a typical social anxiety issue though. I’ll come back to ADHD later on.

So, if trauma can be the reason of why I feel this way is correct is kinda vague for me. My coach (not a official therapist) is pretty positive in the case. He showed me the symptoms of (c) ptsd and I must say, I relate to a lot of them.

First of all, I must tell you where I deal with and I need to tell a bit about my past as well. I’ll try to keep it short, but that’s going to be a bit hard though, because there is a lot to tell.

First of all when I was 5 years old my parents divorced and my mom met a new husband. My mom got pregnant pretty fast and soon we became trapped basically. At least once a week there was a situation getting out of control which ended up of me or my family getting hurt. Physical abuse, but also mentally. This went on for 8 years with a few situation that are still in my mind, but it’s mostly the constant feeling of not feeling safe. This all seems blurry to me though and I ask myself if I actually didn’t felt safe. I’m not sure, it’s a long time ago. Things came to climax after 8 years where the husband of my mom beat my mom up and we literally escaped to another place.

I was very insecure at that time. Mostly socially. However, I am pretty good at hiding it. I finished high school which is quite a achievement if I look back again. Not much later I started experiencing with marijuana, which made me feel a bit paranoid or however you want to call it. However, I was smoking weekly with my friends, because I didn’t want to be different then them. In my first year of my new study I fainted in my classroom which was terrifying. Especially if you take the social anxiety in consideration as well. My first major panic attack happened because of marijuana. I basically experienced many of the same things I had with the fainting. One day in summer I decided to try magic mushrooms. Very impulsive. My friends experienced with drugs and I didn’t want to fall behind. The fear of losing control was very prominent while taking it. I just felt a incredible feeling of unease. I also took it in a forrest which wasn’t comfortable at all. I regret it still.. After that I finally decided to stop doing these drugs. Not much later however I experienced full blown panic attacks while feeling sober. However, it’s often not noticeable, because I feel like I have to hide it. So usually I pinch myself heavily when I feel there is a need to hide it. I started to feel super anxious in public and especially in places I couldn’t move out easily.

I went out to search for help and after a few months I found some. I went to therapy over there for longer then a year. Long story short, it didn’t made me improve. It actually just went worse. They didn’t had a clear plan to really help me. I just did a few things here and there once a week. When that was over I fel in the deep and I spend longer then a year without help. I was waiting for therapy, but the waiting lists are very long. I started to develop more and more fears. Many aren’t easily to explain. I think the best way to describe it is that my mind constantly notice things that I can place in the category fearful and danger focused on going insane and losing control. In general I felt like I experienced the world through different glasses then others. The world just felt (still feels).. Unsettling. It’s just very hard to explain unfortunately. It’s just a constant feeling. Everything I feel and see.. Just feels fearful. Like I’m not supposed to be here. I also experience(d) intrusions which made me totally freeze up. Intrusions about hurting others. At least, I hope they are intrusions. Certain colors, drinks, foods, and numbers became fearful to me. Everything I can place under the term dark makes me totally anxious. In the meantime I went to look for help 1 time at a different place and it was a horrible experience, although it was just 1 meeting. I felt like I was in some kind of horror movie. Everything just felt very fearful. The people as well.

I didn’t even tell about this yet, but I spend almost all of time at home. The first thing I wasn’t able to do was going to my study, later the bus, friends, family, grocery stores till a point where just simple walks where not possible anymore. A important notation is that I still live with at my moms house, so that’s why that’s possible. The contact with her is relatively good, although my fears are blocking the full potential.

1 year later out of nowhere they called me for a appointment. In the meantime I developed all kinds of things, so the original question for help wasn’t really valid anymore. The time was limited to just 3 months and was completely focussed on exposure. Long story short (again). It didn’t help me. They send me to my current coach and I’m waiting for a new psychologist. I recently started in a social group via my coach where we go outside and just do some work like cleaning gardens and such. A huge step. Today I went for the first time and it was super tough. Most of the things I describe here where things I experienced today in high intensity. I felt just super intensely weird and overwhelmed. And again, it’s just hard to explain.

I’m depressed. That’s not even a doubt. I think that also makes a lot of sense. I’m 21 years old now with no hope for the future. It just feels like I’m doomed in a fearful world. Sometimes I think about ending it all, but I know I’m way too frozen for that and I know it’s wrong at the end of the day. I’m afraid there is nothing I can do. I’ve tried a ton, but it never made me improve. Emotionally I feel completely stuck. I can’t cry. I hate how I lack of empathy. Although all of this avoiding is not only for myself, because I don’t want to hurt someone. I fear that I have something as schizophrenia or something like that as well, although everyone says I don’t have that. My fears just feels very weird. The way I think feels very out of order.

Honestly, I can say I wish I was normal, but I don’t know what normal is anymore after feeling like this for almost forever. Social contact is something I struggle with. I wish that wasn’t the case. It’s just that my brain is just constantly speaking nonsense. I don’t know..

If anyone made it this far. Thanks for your time. If someone thinks he or she can might help. Please don’t hesitate to send a reply.
 
S

SunnyDaze

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
4,127
Location
The couch
Hi there.

I'm sorry for how you're feeling and everything you've been through. I think it would be helpful to seek out another therapist and stick with it,therapy isn't a quick fix. And many times,especially when dealing with a painful past things can get or seem worse before they start getting better. It can take years of therapy.

Whether you have PTSD(or cPTSD) is only something a professional can tell you. You deserve to feel better regardless if it is or not and a therapist can help you with all of it.

Hugs
 
R

Retaw

Well-known member
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
158
Location
.
Hi there.

I'm sorry for how you're feeling and everything you've been through. I think it would be helpful to seek out another therapist and stick with it,therapy isn't a quick fix. And many times,especially when dealing with a painful past things can get or seem worse before they start getting better. It can take years of therapy.

Whether you have PTSD(or cPTSD) is only something a professional can tell you. You deserve to feel better regardless if it is or not and a therapist can help you with all of it.

Hugs
Hey, I appreciate your response.

I know, I’m waiting on therapy at the moment. What I’m doing right now with my new social group is incredibly challenging and I wonder if I can handle this all. I don’t really know how I can improve for this to be fair. Yep, I’ve only been 1 day, but it feels like I’m just building new trauma’s you know. That’s how it goes for so long. I feel so far off in the way I think and feel that my hope is non existent at the moment. I saw a severely autistic person in the social group and while I was just analyzing a bit I came to the conclusion that even he is capable of more then me. I just feel like I can’t keep up with this world. I interpeter so many things as stressful. I look around me and this world just feels very strange and I feel completely out of place.
 
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