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Living a life that isnt real...

W

weezy13

Guest
Okay so, i dont even know where to start, but ive had enough, i went to go to my doctors today but it's a sunday and they arent open, so im planning on going tomorrow. Anyway, i just want to know whats going on in my head, and why i do the things i do, hoping im not just a sick person.

Im 17, 18 this year, and i started lying when i was about 13, they started off trivial things, life was boring and i just remember feeling i wanted to brighten things up, pretending i had 'cool' illnesses and knew people i didnt. I grew out of the immature things and soon they fabricated, i ended up making up this new life for myself, in my head im someone else, he's a 19 year old guy, why? i dont know..i dont want to be a guy at all, i love being a girl, but i talk to other people as him, he has a whole life, and story, its huge and in depth. I started talking to people i knew from my life as him and they, thinking it was someone else, got close and such, they arent anymore i stopped that and broke them off, but doing so i stayed close to 1 person in particular i didnt personally know very well, but they got close to this 'other me', thinking it was him of course. They never knew it was me. I shouldve stopped it but i didnt, ive stopped living my life, my real life. Im not delusional because im aware, but at the time of talking as this other person in my head it feels right, it feels real to me, and its so easy, ive got away with so much its just part of my life. So much so 2 years ago i cut my hair and changed my image, thinking i could be someone im not and live this other life. It didnt work, which spawned more lies, before my parents saw my hair i took myself to the woods and beat myself up, then came home and said i was attacked and had my hair cut, the police even got involved too. I disgust myself and im so ashamed, but even then i said to myself this has too stop, i tried killing this life off but 2 years later and its still here, haunting me. Ive tried myself to break off the ties and stop it, but since i have with more succession than before, and now this person is beginning to catch on, we have arguments and theyve suspected that saying "you arent who you say you are" and theyve even suspected it being the real me.. now consequently the past few months have got worse, i (the real me) feel attached to no one and nothing in my real life, i've just left college for the second time, which has messed up my plans for uni. My parents irritate me, i have no motivation to do anything thats to do with my real life what so ever, i quit my part time job, i dont go out very much anymore, and i cant remember the last time i saw my friends or hugged any one. I spend most of my time in bed, a lot of the time i dont even come out of my room to eat, i have no appetite anymore and i cant sleep through an entire night. The only time i do do something is when i get the chance to be my other self..and lie again, it's taken control of my life and i dont even know who i am anymore, i dont know how to be myself, because these lies were my life, and now theyre falling apart i dont know what to do with myself, because i feel empty. I just want it too stop, i want to shut it all off, or rewind and forget, i dont want to feel anymore, i want to stop and i want help. I have never spoke about this before, but last night i cried the entire night because i feel like i just want to end my life and live this other life, i felt happy 'living' another life. So i know i need help, before it gets too much and i do something stupid.

Thank you for reading, im just scared as im close to no one, i live with my dad, im an only child and my mum left when i was young, i see her often and she has a history of mental health and my dads a mental health nurse, so talking about this stuff is far from an option to me, all they think is that im 'depressed' since i got attacked...which of course didnt happen.

Is there something wrong with me, or im just a sick human being?
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
Hello

Ok.. you have yourself in a mess and you recognis that .. and you 'want' to do somthing about it ....

I think you are right you need to go and see your GP as one of your first steps , but I think it may also help if you confided in your dad if he can help ... you are prob going to need his support and the sooner he finds out the better .. yes he prob will be angry a little , but unless he is likely to become violent he may be a good source of support for what you are going to go through ...

... You say that you already have a freind who seems to "more than suspect" .. what is going on .. so why dont you fess up and ask for there help..

.. you are going to face a lot of questions how ever you go about this, but it is a case of the sooner the better, and try and build a new life that is you ..

.. most people have 'boring' lives .. with no great things going on .. thats ok, not every one can be a movie star ... just try to start being honest with yourself , your the only one that can do that and it will take practice and commitment from you to do that ...

.. take care .. dont expect immediate results .. and do try and get help ...

.. if you have further questions just ask ....

... boB ... :)
 
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