Living a double life, being depressed and having to fake not

[ManDss]

Does any live like this ?

Being just depress at home, and then having an unexpected visit or crossing with someone on the street, and having to switch of mood (fake) to look normal.

None of my family knows how devastated Iam, and the amount of problems I have in my mind (I dont care either, its not that I want their support). Thats why I said its like to "live a double life".

 

[jajingna]

I recall you posting about this before, and I replied about how I think we are all actors at times. To me this is obviously seen in the roles people must assume to do their jobs. I was a teacher for years, seemed like I did plenty of acting. Doing that while depressed is really tough. I did it frequently hungover also as a heavy drinker. Not much fun when shaking on the job, looking forward to day's end to drink more to alleviate it.

You or I might be surprised how many others feel this same awareness of needing to put on the smiley face when the inner state is frowning. Society demands this in pretty much all jobs, and people of course enjoy pleasant and positive interactions. You can be sure with how common mental illness is, and the massive amount of problems people have, that many others are putting on an act a lot of the time, playing a role that can be exhausting.

 

[siliconom]

Hidi.g depression puts tremendous pressure on you

Actually faking it by playing the role of a healthy person can help but you need to tell those close to you. If they dont understand then you need to educate them.

I wrote an ezsay for a literary competition. Its an easy to understand guide to mental health problems but in English. Let me know if you want a copy

 

[Megan5]

This is my whole day, faking it, so I can relate. When I read your post, it was Wow, thats me! The loneliest feeling of all, keeping it to yourself, its exhausting!

 

[MeAndMyDepression]

I fake it too, all of the time. I'll see a stranger walk by me and they'll say, "How ya doin'?" and I'll say, "Good (maybe with a smile too)." What I really want to say is, "I feel like crap and I just want to die. Do you have an hour or so, so that I can vent to you?" It's just easier to say, "Good. How are you?" They say fake it until you make it, but I think with severe depression, you don't make it.

 

[Just a Guy]

I hear you. The mascarade is exhausting. I end up being a night owl simply because everyone is asleep late at night an early in the morning and I feel like it’s quiet and I don’t have to be anything for anyone. I dive into deep math problems as a means of escapism too. Numbers can occupy my entire mind and I don’t have to think about anything else.

 

[Purpleplum]

We do have to fake it to get by in this world.
Other animals do the same. Dog's don't show pain because they are pack animals and in their past, the rest of the pack would leave them if they were sick and if the pack left them, they couldn't survive.

It's similar with people. Those not as strong are less likely to survive so have to fake it.

 

[Just a Guy]

It’s true. Others are afraid of somone dragging them down. It’s strange. I have been a leader my entire life, and people put themselves around me because I build them up, yet they don’t know my weakness. If they did they would jump ship. Only the most personally secure of people don’t abandon others. In my own mental space I have given up on myself and figure as long as I’m here I might as well be useful to others. I have been put center stage for all these things I have done, even awarded citywide accommodation but they don’t know I have simply turned myself into a tool for them so that somone can have hope even though mine is gone. It’s an awkward place to be. I’m naturally giving and mediate on compassion, but it all comes from a depressed place of worthlessness. I figure I have a mind so it might as well be put to use while it’s here, yet I long for and early death. Luckily I can separate my emotional slef from my intellectual self, and I try to leave my intellectual slef in charge. He tells me the circumstances of my pain will end one day as long as I keep my wits about me. Luckily the emotional self has given up and does not have the strength to fight the intellectual self, so things march on.

 

[Twinkle Toes]

I do. I have multiple personalities and sometimes it can feel like I'm living a double life depending who is out. They can be very different (even to the point of different levels of hearing and mobiity or different allergic reactions). we are covert so no-one in the real world can know otherwise we fear being 'locked up' and losing what little 'freedom' we do have.

The only way we have got through life undiagnosed is the 'host' is always constant in their presentation to the outside world so anyone who comes 'up front' has to agree to 'pretend to be host' if anyone comes to the door or says hello to us while they're out with the dog.

The host attends all interactions of more than a few minutes eg medical appointments or people visiting or the host being invited out somewhere.

When I had to work etc when younger it was easier to keep a united front because the host always had to be upfront but that led to a mental breakdown. Now we live alone and especially this lastyear with lockdown and shielding alters have switched more often and 'gone out' moreoften cos they can unchallenged due to social distancing and mask wearing rules this seems to have given them more confidence to 'appear in public'.

It does get exhausting always having to be suddenly aware that you have to be seen to be behaving a certain way or someone will think something's wrong with you and may take investigations further. (ie people checking up on us more often making it harder for 'others' to have time out)