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Lifelong OCD Theme Changes Have Ruined Everything...

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purpleflowerss

New member
Joined
Jun 15, 2021
Messages
1
Location
USA
Hi. I never thought I'd turn to the online world and let something in my own head take over my life so much to the point where I feel absolutely defeated, like nothing can be done and I'm in this continuous loop of never-ending suffering. I dissociate throughout most of my day now because of how overwhelming everything has gotten but frankly I have nobody in real life to admit any of this to, I'm just tired of doing it all by myself.

Growing up was shitty. I was depressed throughout my early teenage years and I had developed OCD from a really young age. At first it wasn't anything too hard to deal with (personally) as I just had contamination OCD. I read that the paint used in my room may have used lead in it (which it didn't) but every time I'd touch it I'd run to the bathroom and wash my hands, I'd try to hold my breath in my room when I could -- I was a major germaphobe. This went on for a few years where I worried so much over germs and contact with contaminated surfaces until it developed into a specific subset of HIV OCD. I FREAKED every time I had to do anything with blood or someone else's, I would sit and wash myself and my hands after any encounter. I shook hands with somebody once and remember asking myself "what if they had cuts on their hands? What if they had HIV?" and would not sleep because of this, literally. I kissed a boy at the time and almost drove my parents crazy with how much complaining I did until they took me to get tested. It was pretty tough; I was diagnosed with anxiety at the same time and I've kept the HIV OCD but my germ/contamination-related OCD has pretty much simmered down quite a lot. My OCD picked the lucky number 3 (hit this 3 times, turn this 3 times, etc.) and it honestly sucks a lot because I get weird stares when I do anything in public related to those "rituals".

But here came the beginning of what I considered to be the most confusing, toughest few years I've had to deal with. Growing up, I had crushes on boys exclusively. Maybe I had found a girl here and there attractive but not enough to say I did sexually at the time. One day I was watching this show and there was this character I thought was pretty and I immediately thought, "am I gay?" And then my attraction to boys quite literally vanished. Like, the next day I felt NOTHING towards guys and it hasn't fully recovered since (been 5 years). I started to avoid hanging out with my girl friends, started searching through forums, etc. My attraction became a cycle where I'd find guys attractive, then I wouldn't, then I'd find girls attractive, then I wouldn't. I was just extremely confused and then through forums I found out that HOCD was a thing and I pinned it on that. I still to this day haven't had a crush on a girl but I've dealt with my feelings enough to know that I wouldn't be opposed to kissing one; when I admit it to myself it seems to take away the "AM I A LESBIAN?" question and replaces it with more of like a "eh, I'm fine with kissing" statement until I REALLY think about it and ask myself if I actually am. It's like, I feel like I would in the moment, but when I actually think about it I don't know if I'd be down for intimate stuff with a girl. I feel more comfortable with guys. I remember there being an instance of me doubting I liked this guy until we met up in person and kissed each other. Something I've noticed was that when I'm not alone and spending time with people these thoughts seem to go away and I feel like I return back to how I used to be. I stick to labeling myself as bisexual but I have no idea if I'm actually attracted to guys, girls, both, none? That's for me and my therapist to work out LOL.

Anyways, the real demon I've been fighting is TOCD. I had never, ever, in my entire life had feelings that I was trans or that I wanted to be a boy. I have no idea where this started, but it seemed to grow in intensity. At first, I would do little rituals like knocking on wood and saying something like "please don't be a boy." I paid no mind to these as they didn't make me physically feel uncomfortable and this went on for some time. Then, it started turning into things like, for instance, when I was reading and a male POV came up. I'd skip the section entirely or touch it with my left hand/read it backwards since my mind associates "left" with being "untrue". Same was in songs, where if I heard a guy singing I'd step with my left foot. Then out of nowhere it grew in intensity to me actively freaking out that I was living a lie, that I felt like a man. I would actively search for things in my childhood that gave away that I was actually a boy like playing with cars, liking video games, etc. even though I know these things can be enjoyed by anyone. But these thoughts took over my entire life. I cannot think about anything, do anything, wear anything anymore without feeling uncomfortable. Again, when I go outside and do things with friends the thoughts seem to go away somewhat. I can't bare being on my own anymore. I'm just confused because I have no idea where this came from. I loved makeup, I loved dresses and doing my hair, I loved cute shorts and crop tops. Now I feel like I hate all of that, that it makes me feel foreign and weird, that I'm living a lie like I've mentioned. It's taken over my life and it makes me feel this pit of emptiness when I think about it and this immense and deep sense of fear and dread, like my life is over and I have no way out of these thoughts that I want gone.

I've been dealing with some other stuff as well. Mostly intense paranoia, anxiety, depression. I feel like I'm not who I thought I would be years ago when I reached the age I am now. I hope that entire ramble made sense. It's been a really shitty wild ride with OCD. I feel like a lunatic whenever I try to talk to people in my personal life about things like this because they just don't understand so I just stopped mentioning it. I was afraid of going to therapy and having them tell me that yes, I am a boy or that yes, I am gay. I'm still fighting with my brain telling me it's not safe to go to therapy. But I needed to get that out and for anybody who read that entire thing I am so grateful. It's not easy going through these things alone.
 
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Felicity

Active member
Joined
Feb 24, 2021
Messages
27
Location
France
Hi purpleflowerss, it’s both reassuring and terrifying how many people seeem to struggle with TOCD. I’ve been struggling with it since December 2020 and there are several topics about it in the forum as you may have seen. I can only believe TOCD is frequent because there is more talk about gender than before. If you’re interested you can probably see my posts by clicking on my profile.

I really relate to this :

Something I've noticed was that when I'm not alone and spending time with people these thoughts seem to go away and I feel like I return back to how I used to be.

I wouldn’t say my thoughs entirely disappear when I’m with friends or at work, but they decrease and I also feel like I’m back to my old self. Maybe because people treat us like before, which kinda reassures us and make us feel like we didn’t change after all?

One paradoxal (and terrifying) thing about my therapy is that like you I was terrified my therapist would tell me that my « symptoms » indeed fit with being transgender… But when she told me the opposite, I didn’t feel relieved either and kept wondering « What if »

This sucks. Anyway. Know that you’re not alone and it’s good we found this place to express ourselves when it’s getting harsh.
 
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Ocean117

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
50
Location
Australia
Ocd is bs otherwise you wouldn’t be in denial about all these themes ! That’s how you know it’s not true
 
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3howards

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2022
Messages
22
Location
P.a
P,

Captivating story of your life, I bleed for you, is that the right expression?.... I can’t imagine having ocd as a child.. that is so awful.... I got it in my early 20’s .... was a bit overly neat and symmetrical as a pre teen, but at 14 moving in with my ex military ocpd
Stepfather.... he scared me straight .. is that the term?.... I haven’t been too neat and orderly since living with Uncle Frank( r.i.p .. he wasn’t all bad though.. a tough ww2, lived through the depression father)

Since I been on here I search for answers for my own personal demon ( read 1987 my own personal demon for insight on me)....

I have stumbled across this trans fear ocd a lot on here, never heard of it....

A young man I met with ocd in my neighbourhood had ocd bad.... he was a Realtor trying to sell the house next door.... I said don’t sell it to anyone crazy, the neighbourhood has me already.... and I look crazy so I thought I would get a laugh( kind of like old Howard Hughes).... He told me he was crazy too and we got to talking ( he was jumping my car)....

We shared that we both had bad ocd....

His worst ocd harassment was that he was gay.... I stole the line from Seinfeld and said nothing is wrong with that ( and there isn’t).... but I assured him he was not gay....

How would I know?.... because ocd plays on things you fear or offends you, scares you, or are self conscious about....

I knew he wasn’t gay from knowing my old enemy so well.... ocd

Your story is complex.... the thing that comes to mind is my wife who I met in high school, we have basically grown up together.... I found out later in years she is bi.... she also said to me once( sadly we were separated for some years too) that she looks for the soul, not what gender....

We have a high school friend who is a cross dresser but not gay....my wife said he was having some fantasies about men though....

Some people could just have more hormones of the opposite sex,

Our friend.... maybe his soul was a woman in the past life.... but physiologically he is a man, with no hormonal imbalance....

Ed wood ( great, great tim burton film) was a cross dresser but completely straight....????

Who cares about the outward appearance, or if your gay or bi, or ocds lie( doubt it ) were true.... your just you.... sounds like your a great person....

My guess is you are probably straight because you were straight before ocd started to attack....you find woman beautiful, like Elaine said on Seinfeld .... woman are like a work of art!

I’m just trying to peal the layers off of ocd through the years and when you were at your happiest .. my guess is that was you, and ocd has attacked and confused....

Man if ocd were a person that guy would be an evil son of a bitch .. excuse my language....

It’s clear your not trans.....

That to me is staring to seem textbook almost.... like blasphemous thoughts and harming family members and washing your hands too much.... just a symptom of ocd.... common, you should shrug your shoulders and think .... ehhhh....

Why worry about it, nonsense created from a chemical imbalance..

I use dr John Nash as an inspiration.... he used his intelligence to battle his hallucinations, and got his life back(a beautiful mind).... fight ocd , your smarter, stronger and more intelligent than a lack of Seratonin.... in your brain....

I m not big on therapies to suppress it.... take it head on and kick it’s ass....

It has weaknesses, limitations and chinks in its armour, you don’t .... I refer to ocd sometimes kind of like it’s a conscious entity, but that’s just coping.... I picture it as a person with me punching it and knocking it on its ass....

A metaphor for using my intelligence to defeat this inferior opponent/ chemical imbalance....

Even if I’m wrong after pealing all the layers of ocd away and you are not a straight woman just enjoying what most woman enjoy and you are bi at best ....so....

Anyway, even if you were bi at best .... so....just find the best person....

Nothing wrong with being gay.... personally as a Christian as well..my opinion is the Bible is talking/warning about heterosexuals sleeping with gay people of the same sex.... really.... the supreme being of the universe creates someone with too many hormones of the opposite sex then sends them to hell forever with hitler and the Manson family?????????

B.s

Hope you find some peace tonight....

If there is anything masculine in you... I hope you use it to punch ocd right in the jaw!

P.s .... most ocd people I met were genius’.... I’ll bet your smart.... be like dr.nash and you will win

Threehowards
 
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BlueWater

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 29, 2021
Messages
877
Location
Earth
I think you need to turn off social media and the news. Your mind is latching onto so many topics that it can't focus on you and what makes you happy in the here and now. What do you enjoy reading/learning? Art, history, world religions, gardening, languages, math, physics, other sciences? What do you enjoy doing that could physically and mentally exhaust you? Our OCD beast doesn't want us to be happy. Mine wants me to fear and to be negative.

How can you be a friend to yourself today? Could you turn on a podcast that has nothing to do with the topics you discussed here and go for a walk or to the gym? Often, I am better off being absorbed in a book or a hobby that benefits only me and doesn't have anything to do with how I perceive myself or how others perceive me. We're absorbed in shame, fear and guilt when we let the beast take control. I couldn't say any of this if I hadn't finally gotten on a regimen of meds that is helping me and finally been able to be still and enjoy myself. I saw a Pure O video recently that said the way to begin conquering OCD is to first learn the art of being a friend to ourselves.
 
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