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Lifelong loneliness has made me hate people

anodyne

anodyne

Well-known member
Joined
May 27, 2021
Messages
67
Location
United States
Throughout my entire life, I've always been a social outcast. It began in elementary school, where I was continually bullied for being fat. Then throughout middle school and high school, I never made friends, never got invited anywhere, and dropped off the map after graduation by stopping in doors for an entire year. While many people may have gone on from high school awkwardness to "find themselves" in college, the opposite happened to me, and I found myself becoming even more deeply entrenched in isolation and the hopeless feeling that things would never get better. Now that I'm 24, all of these experiences with bullying, social ostracization, shame about my own body and being left behind by the only people in my life that ever actually seemed to care about me have made it very difficult for me to think positively about my relationships with people. Every interaction I have with other people over time ends up being a negative one. The simple takeaway from an outside observer hearing this might be that if this happens all the time, the one with the problem is me. Which is true, at least partially. But I find that even people with the best intentions who make some attempt at reaching across to me end up doing so in a condescending, diminutive way. I don't feel that anyone has ever valued or attempted to understand me past my learned aloof attitude. And that has had the compounded effect where I no longer think of myself with my positive values, but as this socially awkward, slightly caustic, monotone, overweight loner that people must see me as. I often fantasize about simply leaving human society and going to live as a hermit, although in reality the lack of any human contact, even just those defined by capitalist exchanges, would leave me in even worse shape than I am now. I guess I would describe myself as a bit of a misanthrope, and I don't find that to be a very admirable thing to be. But then, I wish there was some value given to people like me: people who don't fit in, who aren't very likeable by most people, who are pessimistic and not social. I wish there some way I could make use of my talents, expound on them, and not become distracted by what I feel like I need to be doing.
 
M

ManDss

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Joined
Apr 22, 2018
Messages
1,196
Location
Argentina
Ive struggled socially too. Im also an outcast. But personally I never felt hate towards people or society, but I totally respect your experience, Im not critizicing you. And yes, loneliness, and feel socially alienated feels like hell. Ive been always trying to find "people like me", but I havent, even in depression forums.

My advice... try to cope, theres not much to do. And... keep trying, there is some nice people out there. This forum and other online sites are good ways to cope.
 
anodyne

anodyne

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Joined
May 27, 2021
Messages
67
Location
United States
Hey @ManDss, thanks for your reply. I think it takes someone who has lived through the kind of loneliness we have to be able to empathize. Most people don't have that ability or just don't care.

To be clear, I don't think it's a good thing that I hate people. It's just, right now, I'm frustrated by how weak, lonely, and invisible this world makes me feel. I'm sick of waking up every day and knowing there isn't a single person in the world that wants to be my friend, who wants to talk to me about anything beyond doing my job or buying my lunch. I'm reminded all the time of people who have abandoned me when I needed them, or people I hurt thoughtlessly, or the lost opportunities. I don't see the point of it, I don't see the value in people just like I can't see the value in myself, and I don't see the point in going on. I feel like I simply don't belong anywhere or how things could possibly change at this point.

Anyway, sorry to rant here. I hope that wasn't too pessimistic. In any case, thanks again for replying.
 
M

ManDss

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Joined
Apr 22, 2018
Messages
1,196
Location
Argentina
Hey @ManDss, thanks for your reply. I think it takes someone who has lived through the kind of loneliness we have to be able to empathize. Most people don't have that ability or just don't care.

To be clear, I don't think it's a good thing that I hate people. It's just, right now, I'm frustrated by how weak, lonely, and invisible this world makes me feel. I'm sick of waking up every day and knowing there isn't a single person in the world that wants to be my friend, who wants to talk to me about anything beyond doing my job or buying my lunch. I'm reminded all the time of people who have abandoned me when I needed them, or people I hurt thoughtlessly, or the lost opportunities. I don't see the point of it, I don't see the value in people just like I can't see the value in myself, and I don't see the point in going on. I feel like I simply don't belong anywhere or how things could possibly change at this point.

Anyway, sorry to rant here. I hope that wasn't too pessimistic. In any case, thanks again for replying.
Its all fine. And yes , dont have people to talk is really hard.

Do you have hobbies ? Sometimes find other people with a same hobby is an excuse to meet people.
 
E

EclipticNight

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Joined
Oct 27, 2020
Messages
533
Location
Orleans vermont.
You and I are very similar. I too am an outcast. Since kindergarten I was bullied, ignored or mistreated even by adults such as teachers. It lasted until senior year when I had a total mental breakdown and a new personality was taking control over me that it stopped. I became fear. In college I had no friends, sat alone often with no one near me and to this day I never leave my bedroom unless I need supplies. While everyone went crazy during lockdown it was just another day for me. I still dont fit in, I'm 36 now. Sometimes I feel like I dont even fit in here.

People are most often horrifying to me. There are good ones sure, many here. Still people to me are a threat. I feel comfortable around wild animals that can tear me apart more so than people. Because of what was done to me I live my life fighting a beast in my mind for control and will until the day I die. A day I hope is sooner rather than later. I know hate well. So many times I've heard it's bad to hate but I dont know how not too. I'm stuck in it, consumed by it. That just makes people dislike me all the more, the jaded broken soul I am just does not work well. My body is broken, my mind split and my soul shattered. Not even sure why I'm still alive.

What gets me by is gaming. Entering worlds where I can do what I want. I can burn the world or save it, kill or choose mercy and decide the fate of others at my whim. My beast loves the violence. I dont know if gaming is your thing but it can be relaxing. It keeps your mind sharp too.
 
F

fragrant_violet

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Joined
Mar 29, 2021
Messages
716
Location
Tirana
Reading your stories was painful. I emphasize, even though my awful experiences are different to my awful experiences.

So what. to do about it. You will no doubt find this condescending because of the way you think.

I would start by stop blaming other folk. Even if it is their fault, that line of thinking cant possibly help you. Assume you are entirely to blame. If you cañ do that, improvement can take root.

Next, forget all the reasons for your state and tackle the problem of anxiety and depression first.

To do this. I recommend you read the following excellent self help books
The last one is really long so you can skip

DARE
ACT
The Anxiety Trick
Hope and help for your nerves
Feeling Good

I'll add more advice if I get a positive reply
 
M

Mistral

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Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
631
Imagine you are in a foreign country where you know nobody. You can only speak a few words of their language and very few people can speak English. That is a bit like the situation you are in. Everybody has their own life and do not interact with you because when they do speak to you, you cannot respond to them in their language. How does someone like that learn to interact with the local people? They do it by learning the their language. Firstly the will start by basics, of how to greet people, say thank you, please, excuse me, good morning, etc. then they go on to more advanced interaction until people start to want to know them. It will probably take years to make friends and have a social life, but it can be done.

Maybe it is a poor analogy and hard to imagine, but what I am trying to say is that the people around you are like foreigners to you. You have lost the ability to interact with them. You need to learn their language so to speak. They are not the people who bullied you in school. They are not responsible for what those people did to you.
 
E

EclipticNight

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Joined
Oct 27, 2020
Messages
533
Location
Orleans vermont.
@fragrant_violet I definitely get what your saying but the problem is that we are blaimed for things we dont deserve to be blaimed for. As outcasts people tend to unload on us rather than others. By accepting it's our fault when it's not would be to just give in. At that point the bully has won. We are not to blaim for what made us, they are. If people would accept that they were wrong to be so cruel to us things would be much better. Remember that we keep trying over and over to have some sort of human connection which always seems to end in abandonment or betrayal. We are often to kind and are used and tossed away as easy prey for that weakness. Personally I am exceptionally polite to people, try to be funny and let things slide but always end up alone again. When it comes down to it people always toss us away rather than be a friend.

@minstral Your not wrong, we dont speak human anymore. What you miss is that people still bully us. Yes, at this age we are treated like filth, ignored, never appologised to, laughed at and blaimed for things we had no involvement in. It happens to me all the time when I go out, so I dont go out. It's hard to understand why people do it, it makes no sense but they do. I'm always asking what's wrong with me that everyone has to be such a dick to me for no damn reason. Still, here I am, just a day ago ignored at the market when I needed help for 40m waiting as my food melted and employees walked past me. Ended up doing it myself and hurting myself in the process.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,430
Location
Nashua NH
I am pretty isolated from people too. I find this is mostly because I don’t talk to people and generally shy away from them. I’m not sure why I don’t talk to people. I feel like an outcast but mostly I make myself this way by virtue of my not joining. I don’t know why it seems impossible for me to relate to others this way. While others are together talking I will be sitting on the sidelines in silence. I wish I could talk and be more relatable to other people. I might feel less alone then. If I didn’t live with my parents then I would be very lonely. It’s just my nature I guess and just one of those things. xo, j
 
F

fragrant_violet

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Joined
Mar 29, 2021
Messages
716
Location
Tirana
Complaining is no good because it wont help you improve

Let the bully win. You lost. Accept it. Then move on. Inertia will get you no place
 
anodyne

anodyne

Well-known member
Joined
May 27, 2021
Messages
67
Location
United States
I am pretty isolated from people too. I find this is mostly because I don’t talk to people and generally shy away from them. I’m not sure why I don’t talk to people. I feel like an outcast but mostly I make myself this way by virtue of my not joining. I don’t know why it seems impossible for me to relate to others this way. While others are together talking I will be sitting on the sidelines in silence. I wish I could talk and be more relatable to other people. I might feel less alone then. If I didn’t live with my parents then I would be very lonely. It’s just my nature I guess and just one of those things. xo, j
Hi J,
I can relate a lot to your experience. People often poke fun at me for being pretty quiet and reticent. It is very rare for someone to come along who actually can look past the fact that I am not a super outgoing person, that I am withdrawn, but that doesn't mean I don't have my own personality and sense of humor. So I get used to the feeling of rejection and then act in a way that makes it more likely I will be rejected. Pretty dumb.
I also sooo relate to the parent's thing, my parents have been mostly incredibly supportive of me even when I make their life a lot harder. But I personally really want to fly the coop sooner rather than later, I feel like I can't live at home anymore.
In any case, hope you're doing alright, us quiet folks got a lot going for us.
 
anodyne

anodyne

Well-known member
Joined
May 27, 2021
Messages
67
Location
United States
Imagine you are in a foreign country where you know nobody. You can only speak a few words of their language and very few people can speak English. That is a bit like the situation you are in. Everybody has their own life and do not interact with you because when they do speak to you, you cannot respond to them in their language. How does someone like that learn to interact with the local people? They do it by learning the their language. Firstly the will start by basics, of how to greet people, say thank you, please, excuse me, good morning, etc. then they go on to more advanced interaction until people start to want to know them. It will probably take years to make friends and have a social life, but it can be done.

Maybe it is a poor analogy and hard to imagine, but what I am trying to say is that the people around you are like foreigners to you. You have lost the ability to interact with them. You need to learn their language so to speak. They are not the people who bullied you in school. They are not responsible for what those people did to you.
I really love this analogy, although I would probably make my point by extending it somewhat. It isn't that I don't know any of the language of the country I live in; I know enough to have a job, to be able to buy things, to not die of starvation, make small talk with people during the day, etc. But, I always feel like a foreigner here. There's an idiosyncratic part of the culture that I just can't emulate just by learning the language, and if I pretend to have some special knowledge of this part of the culture, people often see right through my act before long. You might say, you can learn to make a convincing performance of this and fit in more, and maybe that is important to function better in this country and be successful. But what I really want is to find people in this country who are also expats, from my own country, people I can communicate with without fear of misunderstanding or embarressment. I want a people, essentially.
I get what you are trying to say, but I don't really see everyone as a reflection of people that bullied me in school. I simply feel misunderstood by most people I come across, and that leads to frustration and then long vents on internet forums after midnight. I wish the act of making friends was less performative, like I have to work so hard just to prove to people that I'm actually a thing with value? I'd rather work on things that I consider valuablable, then, like writing and my own pursuits, and create my own value.
Idk if that makes sense, thank you for the advice, I do really love the analogy.
 
anodyne

anodyne

Well-known member
Joined
May 27, 2021
Messages
67
Location
United States
Its all fine. And yes , dont have people to talk is really hard.

Do you have hobbies ? Sometimes find other people with a same hobby is an excuse to meet people.
Most of my hobbies are very isolated activities. Reading literature, film, etc. I really enjoy conversations about art or philosophy etc., but didn't take advantage of being in a college environment enough where these kinds of conversations were more easily found. I don't like parties and I don't like drinking, which rules out like 90% of the ways people socialize in their 20s and 30s, at least. I've looked at MeetUps and clubs in my area and all the book groups are made up of people significantly older than me. Idk, I really feel like I don't belong in the time I live in, as dramatic as that sounds.
In any case, thank you again for your advice, you're a good egg 🥚
 
L

lifecangetbetter

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 26, 2021
Messages
1,257
Location
earth
Throughout my entire life, I've always been a social outcast. It began in elementary school, where I was continually bullied for being fat. Then throughout middle school and high school, I never made friends, never got invited anywhere, and dropped off the map after graduation by stopping in doors for an entire year. While many people may have gone on from high school awkwardness to "find themselves" in college, the opposite happened to me, and I found myself becoming even more deeply entrenched in isolation and the hopeless feeling that things would never get better. Now that I'm 24, all of these experiences with bullying, social ostracization, shame about my own body and being left behind by the only people in my life that ever actually seemed to care about me have made it very difficult for me to think positively about my relationships with people. Every interaction I have with other people over time ends up being a negative one. The simple takeaway from an outside observer hearing this might be that if this happens all the time, the one with the problem is me. Which is true, at least partially. But I find that even people with the best intentions who make some attempt at reaching across to me end up doing so in a condescending, diminutive way. I don't feel that anyone has ever valued or attempted to understand me past my learned aloof attitude. And that has had the compounded effect where I no longer think of myself with my positive values, but as this socially awkward, slightly caustic, monotone, overweight loner that people must see me as. I often fantasize about simply leaving human society and going to live as a hermit, although in reality the lack of any human contact, even just those defined by capitalist exchanges, would leave me in even worse shape than I am now. I guess I would describe myself as a bit of a misanthrope, and I don't find that to be a very admirable thing to be. But then, I wish there was some value given to people like me: people who don't fit in, who aren't very likeable by most people, who are pessimistic and not social. I wish there some way I could make use of my talents, expound on them, and not become distracted by what I feel like I need to be doing.
I totally feel your pain. being bullied sucks. i was even bullied by the guy the bullies bullied. like dang. it is so sad. bullying MESSES you up developmentally. the people who did the bullying have no idea how much of an impact it makes
 
F

fragrant_violet

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Joined
Mar 29, 2021
Messages
716
Location
Tirana
I think this is what folk call tough love

I have always been the one to break up fights between strangers where one party was clearly àt a disadvantage. And when I have witnessed acts of bullying I have stood beside the victim and challenged the bully to fight me instead. I can take being called a shitbag.

Wallowing in self pity because of being bullied is natural but totally unhelpful
.You gotta forgive the bully in your heart. Not easy but can be done. Thats why I recommended them self help books.

When I see a bully I see a disturbed coward. But in the bullied I see a character trait which caused them to get bullied

Knowing what this is will help, if you are prwpared to admit your weakness and whats more imporyant, seek help through therapy.

Are any of you guys doing this right now? If not why not
 
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