- May 27, 2021
- United States
Throughout my entire life, I've always been a social outcast. It began in elementary school, where I was continually bullied for being fat. Then throughout middle school and high school, I never made friends, never got invited anywhere, and dropped off the map after graduation by stopping in doors for an entire year. While many people may have gone on from high school awkwardness to "find themselves" in college, the opposite happened to me, and I found myself becoming even more deeply entrenched in isolation and the hopeless feeling that things would never get better. Now that I'm 24, all of these experiences with bullying, social ostracization, shame about my own body and being left behind by the only people in my life that ever actually seemed to care about me have made it very difficult for me to think positively about my relationships with people. Every interaction I have with other people over time ends up being a negative one. The simple takeaway from an outside observer hearing this might be that if this happens all the time, the one with the problem is me. Which is true, at least partially. But I find that even people with the best intentions who make some attempt at reaching across to me end up doing so in a condescending, diminutive way. I don't feel that anyone has ever valued or attempted to understand me past my learned aloof attitude. And that has had the compounded effect where I no longer think of myself with my positive values, but as this socially awkward, slightly caustic, monotone, overweight loner that people must see me as. I often fantasize about simply leaving human society and going to live as a hermit, although in reality the lack of any human contact, even just those defined by capitalist exchanges, would leave me in even worse shape than I am now. I guess I would describe myself as a bit of a misanthrope, and I don't find that to be a very admirable thing to be. But then, I wish there was some value given to people like me: people who don't fit in, who aren't very likeable by most people, who are pessimistic and not social. I wish there some way I could make use of my talents, expound on them, and not become distracted by what I feel like I need to be doing.