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Life sucks this week (Anxiety, Depression, & Thoughts of Self Harm)

G

geebee

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Joined
Jul 16, 2021
Messages
67
Location
Georgia, USA
After having a poor week last week, this week just feels like nothing could go right. I posted over on the Trauma and Physical, Sexual and Mental Abuse Forum about issues that I went through when I was younger that were recently brought back up. (Thanks, Aurelius, for being a good sounding board!) But, now that I am back home and have time to get lost in my mind, everything just feels like it is going wrong.

On Monday, I was supposed to take a UHaul (American self-drive moving truck company) filled with my cousin's belongings to a storage unit to be unloaded by a couple movers (since I injured my back and already injured knee when loading the truck the previous week). The only issue was, I lost the key to the truck. I looked everywhere I went, and could not find the key that would cost several hundred dollars to replace, in addition to having movers with no ability to get the stuff where it needs to go. I ended up renting another UHaul, driving it to where the loaded truck was, paid the movers extra to move the stuff from one truck to the other, drove the new truck to the storage unit, and watched as the movers kept going over the scheduled time because I was an absolute idiot.

Meanwhile, because I was running late with THIS, I was about to miss my (15th) Physical Therapy appointment for the knee I injured back in December that is still in constant pain. I called and left a message, so I could reschedule as soon as they got back from lunch. I returned the new UHaul, and as I was walking out to my personal vehicle, Physical Therapy called to tell me that I had no appointments anymore. Without telling me, they had discharged me from their practice, stating that there was inadequate improvement to continue. This is a couple weeks after the orthopedist discharged me from the practice because, in his words, "There is nothing wrong with your knee that can be fixed. You need to do enough Physical Therapy so you can learn the exercises to do at home, and you need to stop taking the pain medication (NSAID only; no controlled substance ever given) regularly, because there's nothing wrong with your knee that can be fixed. I'm also not giving you another injection, because you don't have anything wrong." This is the point (on Monday specifically) that I outright lost it. I bawled at the person from Physical Therapy about how my knee is still in pain, that ortho fired me and gave responsibility to PT, and now PT is firing me and I am just going to be in severe pain forever. I hung up, and was planning how I was going to harm myself when I got home. I am glad that my mother was in the car, though. It gave me enough time to think to remember that my primary doctor had prescribed me a benzo for when my anxiety got really bad, and I figured trying to create a plan to harm myself might meet the definition of "really bad". Fortunately, the half pill of lorazipam pretty much chilled me out enough that I at least didn't go through with my plans, so I guess I'm glad I scared my doctor on the last visit when my anxiety had me shaking? As a bonus, my mother found the UHaul key, so that saved a few hundred dollars... after already spending several hundred on an alternate truck and additional hours on the movers.

On Tuesday, while still pretty worried about my knee (as if I'm not currently), I went to return the old UHaul. I pulled up to the location it was to be returned to and noticed a police car. After I parked in the rear lot and walked around the building, I noticed that the police had every entrance in the front lot blocked by police cars. I rounded the corner of the front of the building, and this large police officer turned towards me, snapped that the location was closed, and moved his hand over his weapon. Well, I really have no interest in being shot by the police force with horrid aim, so I back off and ask what I am supposed to do to return the key. The officer keeps his hand over his weapon and grumbles into his radio, while the store owner comes out. I explain the issue to him, and he takes the key (though doesn't go through the normal process of checking in the vehicle). (As an aside, my account still shows the vehicle as being checked out, but with every other stressor, as far as I'm concerned, I have a gun happy police officer that witnessed me returning it, making it the lowest priority at this time). Not wanting to be anywhere near Barney Fife (tv reference; not real name), I limp-ran away to my mother's car to get out of there.

Wednesday was the same crap, different day. I get a pair of injections every two weeks for my asthma that outright suck. My joints lock up, every muscle is in immense pain, and I feel too drowsy to do anything. Of course, my brain works normally, so I'm just overly depressed from being in pain, and couldn't move to do anything, so I had no real way to escape myself. As a bonus, due to the new COVID outbreak, the infusion department was moved from the front of the hospital, in a very friendly looking room with a huge window, to the rear of the hospital, in an all cinder block room intended for observation. Since the room makes me think a lot of the psychiatric hospital I was in, and I'm anxious that I'm not going to make it to September without another hospitalization, it did not help. Additionally, since I had to be observed for awhile to make sure I didn't go into anaphylaxis, I was watching Youtube videos, and since I am apparently a glutton for punishment, I chose to watch recordings of racist police officers, which made me just hate life more. Nobody can say I make the smartest choices.

Thursday, I was still in pain from the infusion and just wasn't in the mood to deal with people. Additionally, I had had multiple nightmares over the previous night, which meant I got almost zero sleep. I spent a good chunk of the day on the Forum, trying to be involved here instead of fully shutting down. But, in an attempt to not be a recluse, I did decide to go with my mother to town to run errands. Every little thing was a stressor, but there really was nothing extremely noteworthy; it was just stupid stuff.

Today was when everything took a real downturn. I got up, after struggling to get out of bed, for my uncle to tell me he needed to talk to me after I had my breakfast. Being anxious already, I assumed I was being kicked out or something. What I instead found out was that he was suffering from urinary incontinence, difficulty voiding his bladder, orange and bloody urine, and severe kidney pains. Fearing the worst, and knowing his family history, I was determined that he had prostate or bladder cancer, or his kidneys were failing, and knew that a trip to the emergency room, with his $8300 deductible, was going to be expensive. My more rational mother, meanwhile, said that it was something we could go to Immediate Care for. (A step between visiting your personal doctor and going to the hospital.) It took a couple of hours for him to be seen and released, but they believe he only has a urinary tract infection, which almost makes me believe he isn't going to suddenly die, but I'm worried that they are wrong, especially with his family history (and knowing that he can't stand needles or medical exams, and he had to go through both). I have just been incredibly down tonight, not really in a mood to participate in anything, but when my mother asked if I wanted to play cards, after rejecting it at first, I did join in. I can't say I enjoyed it - if anything, I just wanted to be done so I could crawl back into bed. But, I suppose I handled my depression as well as I could? At the very least, I didn't act on any of my thoughts of self harm, and downloaded an app that is supposed to help distract me when I DO get those thoughts, so there's that.

So, TL;DR, a whiny person complained about minor things while other people have real issues. But seriously, I just can't stand this feeling that nothing will ever improve. Every single time I say "It can only get better from here", life hands me lemons, then squeezes lemon juice directly into my eyes.

Sorry to be a downer, and hope everyone else has had a better week.
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

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Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
7,009
Location
A comet
I'm sorry to read about your troubles. I hope things get better for you soon.
 
Bod

Bod

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Joined
Jul 19, 2021
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TOTALLY FANTASTIC
I am so sorry to hear what your going through, and I hope things start to look and get better for you.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Forum Guide
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Nov 10, 2019
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11,071
Location
England
Did you take on too much in one go? I have to try really hard to not over do it. I take on one task at a time, then rest, then do something else.

Getting too tired, stressed, too busy, it can all destabilise i find.

Rest, one thing at a time and take it easy
 
G

geebee

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2021
Messages
67
Location
Georgia, USA
Thank you, everyone, for the kind words.

Did you take on too much in one go? I have to try really hard to not over do it. I take on one task at a time, then rest, then do something else.

Getting too tired, stressed, too busy, it can all destabilise i find.

Rest, one thing at a time and take it easy
I would claim that I feel like I have too much to do at any given time, but my therapist notes that it sounds like I get overwhelmed at a lower threshold than normal. In the case of this week, all I HAD to do (as of Monday morning) was take a UHaul to be unloaded/return it, go to two PT appointments, go to one infusion appointment, continue looking for a job, and finally get a new psychiatrist and therapist. (Psychiatrist doesn't listen and their office staff tends to be condescending to patients because they are a clinic for low income individuals, and the therapist is through a program that provides only a certain number of visits, and I have two left). Instead, I burned out from driving the UHaul like 1300 miles on my own over the previous five days while my mother and her friend insisted on following me in her personal vehicle, requiring me to arrange meals and lodging for all of us, and make sure they didn't get lost. (My mother is in her late 60s, and although she is still working and mentally there, having to use the internet to figure things out on short notice can be confusing for her. Likewise, my uncle gets lost with certain tasks such as medical things, so I have to get involved on those). Then, with everything self-destructing on Monday, I just started losing control, and as each day went on, I started losing more and more of my control with tasks that came up. In the end, I never did get the new psychiatrist and therapist set up, and I only had the energy to complete one thought in the thought tracker I am supposed to use daily for the current therapist.

I am technically closing my eyes at night for around 8ish hours. The issue is that my sleep hasn't been restful. Although Wednesday night had been the worst for nightmares, I've been having different smaller nightmares pretty much all week. I was looking in the mirror this morning and noticed that the circles around my eyes were black to the point they looked like I was punched in the face. I'm certainly stressed - I think my writing makes that fairly clear :panic: And although I wouldn't be as busy as the average person, I'd say the fact that any moment I'm not actively doing anything, I'm collapsed in mental overload is a good hint that I'm busier than I should be for my point in my mental health.

I try to stick to one thing at a time, but I am terrible at it. I'm an only child, and my uncle had no children, so I am one person helping two aging people, plus trying to take care of my needs, and have a cousin trying to move down, and a friend that I'm trying to convince I am improving when even I don't believe it, and I'm a failure because nobody will hire me, and... I think you get the picture. Things just don't feel like they are going right, and while I'm still trying to get on the right meds to help, it's a long enough wait between dose/medicine changes that I am just mentally unhinged, and am not doing as much as I should be to combat it. I know I SHOULD (in the case of today's drama) have been able to just say to my mother "No, I do not feel up to driving 1 1/2 hours each way to go to the store and return a shirt I got, and certainly don't have the energy to add an extra stop to take you clothing shopping at a specific store in a totally different city. And while we're at it, I love playing cards with you two, but my knee is killing me and it's just too much for me to sit up right now and play." But I know that she struggles with long drives, and that she really wants to go out on the weekend, and it's something I need to do anyway, so I make myself take part, and feel overwhelmed because she wants to talk and talk and I just want to stop thinking for awhile. (Yes, I am aware of the irony of me making reference to her being long-winded, while I am typing huge manuscripts). And, I know that she never gets to play games, and it's something we generally enjoy, so how can I ruin their enjoyment just because I am in a bad mood? I just have too many expectations for myself, and expect my family to have similar expectations, and while I try to take steps forward to get better about it, I always seem to take two steps back, and my failure at focusing less on perceived failures just gets worse and worse. And I keep getting up and trying to focus on one thing and more often than not, I mess up again and again and again. I wish I was better at this 😭

I'm sorry for going off on a tangent. I know here, of all places, I shouldn't have to say it, but it's just very hard fighting with mental health, and after being in denial for close to fifteen years, I've been taking the process especially hard.
 
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