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Life Story *may trigger*

J

Jordonnamber

Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2015
Messages
6
Location
Australia
This has always been hard for me to come to terms with what has happened to me, i have suppressed most of my memories but i thought maybe writing them down might help?
I guess it all started when i was about 7 years old, i went on a holiday to see my father and his family and while i was there my Grandfathers brother was there visiting aswell, i always called him my uncle. I had my own room at my Grandparents house witch was down the road from my fathers, i stayed there. This was the first time i had been to my Fathers without my nan with me, due to it being 11 hours away from home she usually travlled with me. When the night came, i went to get in my bed as usual, but my Grandparents had made me a bed on the floor of the study, my uncle was sleeping in my room. i was deeply terrified of the dark and wanted to sleep in my bed, my uncle had no problem with that so my grandparents thought it would be okay. I went to bed, and awoken throught the night to the feel of something strange, my uncle was using my hand to ...jerk himself off to say the least.. i didnt know what to do or what he was doing so i yanked my hand away and went to sleep, i woke up again to him doing the same thing, only this time i had no underwear on, as i slept in a nighty, when i asked what he was doing he put his hand over my mouth so that my grandparents didnt hear me and than he rapped me. All i could do was cry, i didnt quiet understand what had just happened but i knew it wasnt right. I didnt tell anyone until i returned home and i told my mum and nan what had happened, when my father heard what happened he went into denial and thought i was making things up because i was so little. My mother took me to the police station and we filed a report, because my uncle was from another state it took a while for anything to happen, shortly because anything could happen he died of cancer, i think?
A few years went by and life seemed to carry on as normal. I went to school, and i was bullied all through school about my overbite, and my weight. As if it wasnt enough at school my elder brother would pick on me and bash me all the time.

I looked up to my older brother, i always though he would protect me. He always had the power over me and my 3 younger brothers. He would make them do things to me that i grew to find.. normal? He would make them touch me, and put their parts near my mouth while i was sleeping, they would come in while i was showering and always undo my bikini in the pool, as i had developed early there was alot to show. By the time i was 11 i thought all of this was what normal families did, i didnt know any better i guess. My older brother came into my room one night and told me it was time i was taught a lesson because i had gotten him into trouble that day over hitting me. He than flipped me on my stomach, and rapped me. I kept this a secret until i was 13. I started seeing councellors because i went to school and told a friend what had been happenning to me and she told the teacher who rang my parents. I was scared, i told the councellor and my mother everything that had ever happened to me and it came as a shock to both of them the extent to the pain i was in.

My mother always had a mind of her own and thought that everyone should know what is happenning in our family so she told people what had happened to me, soon enough the whole school knew, i continued to be bullied, through middle school and throughout highschool. I started to SH, at first i wasnt sure what i was doing but it made me feel better, until one day i severely self-harmed. I paniced and told my mother, but by this point she didnt care anymore.

When i was 14 i was walking home from school when my ex boyfriends older brother offered to walk with me, i thought nothing of it. we sat down at a park to talk and he started to touch me, i tried to make excuses to leave but he wouldnt let me. That day hurt me more than anything else, i was 14, i knew what was happening, i thought id be used to it.. and i was. I didnt know how to stop it. It was all .. normal to me. I cried and told him to get off me and i wanted to go home, but i couldnt, i couldnt make him stop. He rapped me. When he was finished, i was laying there a mess and he left me and walked away. i got dressed and walked home and acted like nothing happend. i didnt want to face the reality of what had happend.

I started drinking shortly after that, i dropped out of school. Met new friends and i thought i was past it all. Until i started having dreams about what had happend, i would SH more and more. Until just self-harming as I had been wasnt an option anymore. When i was 16 years old i tried to overdose. My doctor had put me on bi polar medication, lithium, I overdosed and ended up in the mental hospital ward. i was there for two weeks. When i was released i still drank, it helped me to forget my past, made me feel better.

Now i am almost 20, i have scars all over my body, my liver is ruined. I have been admitted into hospital 5 times for overdosing, 3 for self harming and 6 overnight stays because i wanted to kill myself.

The only thing that seems to make me happy these days was my job, i was an aged care nurse.. i loved it. i thought i was making a difference and helping people, i couldnt help myself so i put my effort into taking care of people. Than i got arressted for assault and lost nursing career.

Now, i sit at home and think about everything in my life that has gone wrong. I dont have my mother to turn to, because she kicked me out at 14 i was to much to handle. iv moved so many times, but my past seems to follow me. Iv had therapy, iv seen doctors, iv tried medication and nothing seems to work for me. Nothing in my life ever lasts long, the good things anyway.. but all the bad.. follows me where ever i go.
 
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trinny

trinny

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2014
Messages
95
Location
scotland
how awfull for you out with your control i undetstand seeking self medicate on alcohol to knumb out the past hang in there you have opened up which is a great start to learning to live an cope im new here please see positivity ahead what you deal with today will help tomorow love and light your way.x.
 
C

Christobel

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 6, 2014
Messages
1,075
Location
South west
That is a terrible story, but good that you are able to write about it. I was also sexually abused as a six year old so I can identify with you there. I was lucky and a year ago brought myself to tell the whole thing to my psychiatrist. Are you in the US? I don't know whether you have seen a therapist in the past you could talk things over with, but well done at least for coming on the forum.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
I don't really have any words to say - I am shocked by just how terribly you've been abused throughout your life.
I'm so sorry you've had to go through that and it's understandable that you're not in a good place at the moment.
Sending hugs if you want them. :hug1:
 
Wiseowl

Wiseowl

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 13, 2011
Messages
8,419
Hi Jordonamber

I was wondering if you have ever been in contact with any sexual abuse charities? They can sometimes offer support and information. :hug1:

There are also many different types of talking therapies out there, so if some have not worked, it can be useful to try other types. :hug1:

Thank you for sharing your experiences and being so open. No one deserves to be treated as you have.
 
J

Jordonnamber

Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2015
Messages
6
Location
Australia
Thank you all for the support, to answer your question Wiseowl, i have seen 3 sexual assault councellors, but talking to them doesnt seem to help. When i was i hospital i got to know some of the other paitents and they seemed to help more. I find talking to people that have been thru the same kind of thing helps more? They seem to understand alot more.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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Staff Member on Leave
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
14,164
Location
UK
Have you asked whether there is any group therapy you could do? They used to offer this in the UK, going back twenty years, but I've no idea if they still do, or whether they would where you are. Or a support group through a survivors organisation, I remember there being one of those too where I lived.
 
J

Jordonnamber

Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2015
Messages
6
Location
Australia
Im not sure, im in australia but i will look into local support groups, i live in a very small town so im not sure if there would be anything. I will look into it though
 
Wiseowl

Wiseowl

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Joined
Mar 13, 2011
Messages
8,419
Hi Jordonnamber

I found the same with my MH issues that talking to others was very helpful, hence finding MHF, so keep posting on here we have people who have experienced similar issues and I am sure will be able to offer support.

Sometimes charities have online resources or helplines. :hug1:

I have found a few Australian resources. :hug1:

Sexual assault services throughout Australia | Sexual Assault Support Service Tasmania

Sexual assault support | ReachOut.com Australia

Yarrow Place | Rape and Sexual Assault Service
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,750
Location
Europe
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for what happened to you, and just to apologise on behalf of the males of the human race. There are some real bastards out there, and sadly you seem to have encountered some.

I hope you feel better and find some happiness.
 
J

Jordonnamber

Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2015
Messages
6
Location
Australia
Thanks alot! I will have a look at them now and get back to you on if they helped! :) i appreiciate it alot!
 
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