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Life, Relapse, Life, Relapse, Life, Relapse

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smurfemmasurf

New member
Joined
Sep 4, 2009
Messages
3
Hi, as you can probably guess from the title I am having a major relapse of depression at the moment.

In brief I am now 26 and first encountered this nightmare illness when I was 14, i ended up having to leave school early due to panic attacks etc, went on Seroxat (yep at 14!), and gradually got back on track after a few years in HELL and managed to go to uni. All was going really well until second year when along with a doctors 'help' I managed to wean off seroxat, then HELL began and I spent 18 months at home with parents trying to get sorted at this stage I had an incredible bf who supported me throughout, again I managedto get back on track.I went back to uni split up with him and later met a Girlfriend and had the best year of my life, i even managed to have my own flat etc.

Anyway after uni we moved in together and I had a fulltime job. My life was GREAT until feb this year when My nan who i adored became seriously ill. overnight my panic attacks etc came back and things deteriated in my life quite rapidly. My gf had no experience of this and really struggled, I became needy, unsociable,and as she was doing her first year of teaching she really felt under pressure. In her words I changed and was no longer the person she fell in love with.She also felt I would not get better whilst being her shadow.

We continued like this but when my Nan died in my arms in april I knew my gf was no longer able to put up with me. In the end she ended things in June 6 weeks after my nan died and after almost two years together. I had to move back with my parents one night and now am once more going through HELL. It is as though everything has come back, i see a psychiatrist occasionally but am really struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel as I have lost my Nan and Gf who I thought was the 'one' in the space of a few months.

I am just wondering how other people cope with this HELL??? My main symptoms are depression anxiety, im stilll on the seroxat but just feel so totally pissed off that this has come back when I had a few years of being so so happy and I guess its causing me mixed feelings as in many ways I wrongly blame my Nan and imagine that if she had not been ill i would still be with my gf and not be back like this. I dont have any friends near where I live and have a job which is very casual and 4 hours a day but my life had changed so much in the last few months i dont really see anyway back to any degree of happiness and the future does look so bleak and hopeless.

I am mourning so many things at the moment, My nan and am absolutely heart broken at no longer being with my gf.My parents have been amazing and are providing me with lots of support but I dont feel any better than I did at the begginning of the summer.

I feel like such a burden to them as this has been an issue since 14. I know this is a rant like essay for which I apologise. I guess I just need someone to vent my feelings...

Thanks Emma
 
L

littlemiss436

Active member
Joined
Jun 20, 2009
Messages
26
Location
on the edge of nowhere
:hug:
So sorry to hear of your loss Emma. You are going through grief, as well as 'regular' depression so it's not surprising you are feeling low. Most people go through low feelings when they are grieving so don't feel down on yourself for being the same. Grief is a process and does get better with time so you can definitely hope that this relapse will recover in time.

Have you spoken to your GP again recently? If the medication is not working for you, then you should let them know and see what else they suggest. They should also be able to advise you what else could be done.

I know its easier said than done, but you are not a burden. You say you have a supportive family, which is great. Keep talking to people and look after yourself - you know the drill: routine, eat well, get enough sleep, get some exercise etc.

Take care :hug:
Lil
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
I hopethat you can find this forum supportive and a friendly placeto be,people here understand all that you aregoing through take care emma regards JD:hug::flowers:
 
S

smurfemmasurf

New member
Joined
Sep 4, 2009
Messages
3
Why me???

Hi, thanks for your replies.

No havent seen the gp since march time, they referred me to the cbt sessions, when I originally replapsed in february my seroxat dose was increased to 40mg which is what I have stayed on. I did briefly see a nurse cant remember the exact term comunity psych nurse or something but again as I am paying to privately see cbt guy she didnt see much point in me seeing both.

I think one of the main issues apart from the broken heart and losing my nan that has been troubling me recently is the sense that my life is just so unfair,

I am wondering how other sufferers get through this sense of why me??? For example I just went for a short cycle and kept thinking all these people are normal and just getting on with their lifes and able to do everything I am no longer able to do etc, I just feel like an alien again and an outsider.

I also feel like if i do get through this relapse it will only happen again and there is no point in trying as I am just going to get struck down by it again??? I just feel like before I have worked SO SO HARD to get my life on track, meet my gf etc and now I have lost it all so in some ways I dont have the energy or strength to fight back again. I hope this makes sense as I would be interested in other peoples experiences of relapse and having other major issues ie grief , broken heart to cope with at same time. Thanks again. Emma x
 
M

mad as a hatter

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2008
Messages
2,167
Location
scotland
i understand how u fel my mum died nrly 4 yrs ago i,m only now ready for the counselling thing i haven,t coped 2 well since she died i,ve took tablets and ended up in hospital a few time cause off it but now i,m tryin fight bk at it and u will 2 don,t give up hope but it is hard cause there,s a lot days i can,t do it either i just hide away
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
I do understand how you feel about recurrent relapses that's what I'm struggling with also and it does make you feel what's the point. Its damaging to work and to relationships. I dont know what the answer is either except to continue to try and look after ourselves we can't really do much more.
KP:confused:
 
L

littlemiss436

Active member
Joined
Jun 20, 2009
Messages
26
Location
on the edge of nowhere
I think one of the main issues [...] is the sense that my life is just so unfair,

I am wondering how other sufferers get through this sense of why me???
[...]

I also feel like if i do get through this relapse it will only happen again and there is no point in trying as I am just going to get struck down by it again???
All you can do on this is an attitude adjustment. Concentrate on positive things (for example your family sound great).

Life is unfair to everyone. Even people who look happy and successful have bad things going on, it's just not everyone can see it.

I live for the days I am happy and upbeat. I accept that I will have down periods and I know that they will pass - in a day, a week, or a few months, but I know from experience that they will pass.

There is a point in trying because the good periods will come again - you've already said it goes up and down so you do know it will get better in time again.

Make the most of the good times and have mechanisms to cope with the bad ones.

Yes it may come back again, but we make the effort to get to a good stage because when we are in one, that's what makes life good. It's just a case of accepting that some people have to live with pretty deep troughs sometimes too.

Be strong, make a note of the good things and hold on to them. It will get better.


:hug: Lil
 
P

PSA

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2009
Messages
20
I'm currently kind of getting over a relapse :( and you are right it does damage work and relationships

at the moment I have a really good job and I don't want to tell them about my depression as I fear I will lose the job :( After a few years without the depression being too bad (I was still on medication for this time, have been for 6 years since I was 17) I have managed to work my way up in a company and at 23 with only GCSE qualifications there is no way I could walk back in to another similar job.

at times it feels like im hanging on to my normal life and letting go may be the easiest thing, i need to try and battle through
 
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