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Life isnt fair, love isnt fair

Viltato

Viltato

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Jun 1, 2021
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It is confusing.

Many men seem able to shut their feelings off more than most women can.

His mind seems fixed and clear that he is making the right decision.

The first part, his feelings are not as strong as yours but that could be because he has simply made his mind up.

The last part about seeing what the future holds, it is a possibility that when he returns you can reconnect.

I would believe that, that you will meet again when he returns, and see how you both feel.

I'm thinking about all of this from a non bpd perspective.

Can you focus on something now like fitness, some challenge, learn sign language, volunteer, a skill, just to get you through?

Your suicidal thoughts, is that your bpd, the pain of loss? Is it about not feeling whole, and he filled that gap in yourself?

Was it dependency? I say was, it may just have been put on pause. Perhaps he has simply pressed pause.
i think the suicidal thoughts are because this was my first true love. We had similar outlooks on what we want out of life (we didnt want kids, marriage, we both wanted to have a van we could convert into a lil mobile home, have a dog, travel, go hiking etc), what we enjoy in life, all activities spent together were very similar etc. I think the most attractive quality was that he didnt trigger my BPD. And i spent so much time with him and talking to him that when he left i felt insanely alone. Absolutely alone. I got mad that my happiness depended on a person. Cos it shouldnt be.
Ive been with men longer in the past. Never said ‘i love you’ back to any of them. Constantly had my bpd triggered and would lash out. Which made me feel like i was never meant to love.
Atleast i proved myself wrong on that one.
But BPD can be a blessing and a curse. As my mood swings fluctuate - yesterday i felt insanely suicidal, and today im highly motivated and feel ok about the situation. Still sad at moments as i keep doubting his feelings, but quite ok in comparison.
I know there will be days where ill wake up suicidal again and feeling alone.
but this forum has helped me a lot.
 
Viltato

Viltato

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I think he has been authentic. Life & love are often messy.
I have seen men do this kind of thing before. Some don't think it is fair to ask you to wait for them. They will sacrifice their own feelings to give you the freedom to see others rather than be lonely and/or beholden to them.
Give it time.
Get busy taking best care of yourself & see how things go.
Sometimes it is absence that makes us realize the value of something or someone.
This isn't about men vs women. It is human. And, no, he cannot immediately forget you after what you have shared together. The healthy brain does not work that way.
There are times we must give each other space. You are going to have to just sit with that sometimes uncomfortable truth. But invest in yourself and have patience.
Wait a week or two or until he contacts you and then just share some little things of mutual interest..common friends etc or things you have been doing.
Why did he do it 2 months early? He may be dealing with his own fears and discomfort.
this is very sweet and helpful, thanks.
I will be patient and give him his time and space. And ill focus on my career and body. Just started and intense program at the gym with a PT. so hopefully that will help. Cos i dont wanna go drinking or partying, was too toxic for my mental health when i used to constantly go out.
I thought if i would reach out again to him would be on NYE, to just wish him luck with his travels and work.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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this is very sweet and helpful, thanks.
I will be patient and give him his time and space. And ill focus on my career and body. Just started and intense program at the gym with a PT. so hopefully that will help. Cos i dont wanna go drinking or partying, was too toxic for my mental health when i used to constantly go out.
I thought if i would reach out again to him would be on NYE, to just wish him luck with his travels and work.
You have to be quite careful with yourself in terms of alcohol or getting too happy, as you might crash and with the alcohol in your system, it might be harder to control your feelings. It is hard to explain but i'm sure you know what i mean. Your mood could start swinging out of control, so try to keep as level as possible.

I have always had to be careful about getting carried away with a high or low mood.

Remember too, that nothing needs doing RIGHT NOW. He knows where you are and how you feel, so keep it regular, and contact mild, brief, regular.

It's good that he could handle your illness. I wonder if he is one of those chameleon type of people, who go with the flow.
 
T

tiltawhirl3

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this is very sweet and helpful, thanks.
I will be patient and give him his time and space. And ill focus on my career and body. Just started and intense program at the gym with a PT. so hopefully that will help. Cos i dont wanna go drinking or partying, was too toxic for my mental health when i used to constantly go out.
I thought if i would reach out again to him would be on NYE, to just wish him luck with his travels and work.

My sweet young lady, I am almost 63 years old and I have been studying love for 35 years. I am also known for my own romantic adventures! lol. And I still do stupid things sometimes!! rofl. recently even. that is super that you have gotten into a fitness program, yay for you! here is my best advice: be a friend. don't contact him too often, make it irregular..anywhere from 1-3 weeks apart. You don't have to wait for NYE. Send an exuberant message about meeting a fitness goal & an I hope all is going well for you. It shows him goodwill and also an image of you brimming with enthusiasm, which is very attractive. Then see how quickly he responds. This will be important to know. don't sit and wait for it, just watch it. It will show you how he feels about being in communications. and remember, he is very busy. Grant him grace whenever you can. Then you can send a light hearted message about something you saw or did that made you think of him. And do it with a smile. Does he respond with telling you about his work or what is going on with him? That is a connection. does he respond the same day? Or 3 days later? or longer? That will tell you his comfort level. I am not telling you to be fake or coy. These are proven strategies. You may meet someone else after all in this time. But if you can maintain a positive friendship, then the door remains open to possibilities. See if he flirts with you. It would take some time for him to feel comfortable doing that so don't be holding your breath. If he does, flirt lightly back with him, just for the sake of fun. You can shape the way he thinks about you. I have been studying neurosciences lately. At least it made me feel better about my latest fubar that I did. which wound up being both amended to meet both our needs better, and a stronger bond. But I won't do the foolish thing again. His brain is wired to be having a difficult time with the break up also. So, unless he contacts you..do wait the 2 or 3 weeks for this initial contact. and message me anytime if you think any of this is helpful. I can tell you my man is rushing back to see me only less than a week after I broke up with him..and then quickly realized my mistake. And he is a very proud stubborn man, I had to be the one to fix it. But I did! and it worked!
 
NoNameRequired

NoNameRequired

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well, i definitely agree that us men are weird!!! :cool:
Speak for yourself, I am a very simple guy.

I am going to say that he did the right thing. If there is the possibility that he doesn't return to where you are then it would actually be very unfair for you to keep you waiting for him only to say "I'm not coming back" one day. I don't think he used you, if that was the case then he would have told you to keep waiting forever as he wouldn't have cared about what you felt.

Some are saying that he is a [POOPY BUTTHOLE] for not taking you with him but real life doesn't work that way, it is not a fairy tale. You don't know how is he going to fare wherever he is going, he probably doesn’t know either, dragging you to a life of complete uncertainty (Is that a word?) is very selfish in my opinion.

Yes, it sucks and feels terrible for both of you, but I think he did the right thing.
 
Viltato

Viltato

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Speak for yourself, I am a very simple guy.

I am going to say that he did the right thing. If there is the possibility that he doesn't return to where you are then it would actually be very unfair for you to keep you waiting for him only to say "I'm not coming back" one day. I don't think he used you, if that was the case then he would have told you to keep waiting forever as he wouldn't have cared about what you felt.

Some are saying that he is a [POOPY BUTTHOLE] for not taking you with him but real life doesn't work that way, it is not a fairy tale. You don't know how is he going to fare wherever he is going, he probably doesn’t know either, dragging you to a life of complete uncertainty (Is that a word?) is very selfish in my opinion.

Yes, it sucks and feels terrible for both of you, but I think he did the right thing.
very true.
Its a big responsibility to ask another person to drop their entire life and move to not only another country - but another continent.
Even though i would of moved. It doesnt erase the guilt he would of felt.
As i said before the only thing i struggle is him ending things now as we would have still had 2 months to spend together until he left. I fear he lost interest. But would he have cried then? 🤔
i also struggle with feeling that i was at all important to him or that he developed any feelings towards me.
It could be the bpd, me feeling not enough, abandoned and self destructive in a way.
he means a lot to me and our time together was very important and life changing.
 
NoNameRequired

NoNameRequired

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very true.
Its a big responsibility to ask another person to drop their entire life and move to not only another country - but another continent.
Even though i would of moved. It doesnt erase the guilt he would of felt.
As i said before the only thing i struggle is him ending things now as we would have still had 2 months to spend together until he left. I fear he lost interest. But would he have cried then? 🤔
i also struggle with feeling that i was at all important to him or that he developed any feelings towards me.
It could be the bpd, me feeling not enough, abandoned and self destructive in a way.
he means a lot to me and our time together was very important and life changing.
Those two months are to get used to the idea of not being with you, not because he lost interest. Most men who break up after losing interest say a lot of abstract crap "The sun sets up north in my desert of desire" or something like that, or cry in a weird way that everyone but the woman can see it is fake.

As a lonely man, everytime I meet a woman who likes me (Not romanticly, at least not that I know) and then lose contact with her, it hurts, because it is always sudden, and it takes time for me to feel better. I think it is the same for him, he needs his space to accept that he will not see you there, it would be worse for both of you if everything ends with him one day getting on a plane.

He did the right thing, I think I wouldn't be able to do it, props to him.
 
Viltato

Viltato

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Joined
Jun 1, 2021
Messages
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Location
London
You have to be quite careful with yourself in terms of alcohol or getting too happy, as you might crash and with the alcohol in your system, it might be harder to control your feelings. It is hard to explain but i'm sure you know what i mean. Your mood could start swinging out of control, so try to keep as level as possible.

I have always had to be careful about getting carried away with a high or low mood.

Remember too, that nothing needs doing RIGHT NOW. He knows where you are and how you feel, so keep it regular, and contact mild, brief, regular.

It's good that he could handle your illness. I wonder if he is one of those chameleon type of people, who go with the flow.
oh i absolutely know what you mean!
I used to use alcohol and drugs whenever i was depressed and oh boy the shit ive said and done due to my mood swings is unbelievable. It honestly felt like i was torturing myself and making my bpd come through x10.
The person i become when im drunk or high is not the person i am or want to be. Once i got drunk and slapped this guy over his hand really hard in public for no reason other than he was chewing on his fingers and it triggered me. I have never felt so fucking ashamed. I never touched him in any aggressive manner ever again.

ill try not to text him for a while. Give him his space.
Today i woke up and cried so hard as i realised that today i had to wake up at his, met with a million kisses like he always would wake me. Get dressed, go get breakfast and go to the gallery i booked for us that i was really excited about. Instead, i woke up alone, in my bed. That thought felt like a dagger through my heart. I physically felt the pain in my chest.
 
Viltato

Viltato

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Those two months are to get used to the idea of not being with you, not because he lost interest. Most men who break up after losing interest say a lot of abstract crap "The sun sets up north in my desert of desire" or something like that, or cry in a weird way that everyone but the woman can see it is fake.

As a lonely man, everytime I meet a woman who likes me (Not romanticly, at least not that I know) and then lose contact with her, it hurts, because it is always sudden, and it takes time for me to feel better. I think it is the same for him, he needs his space to accept that he will not see you there, it would be worse for both of you if everything ends with him one day getting on a plane.

He did the right thing, I think I wouldn't be able to do it, props to him.
ahahahhaha “the sun sets up north”. I swear you got a big chuckle out of me there.
I guess i personally dont see how the pain would be different if it ended now or in two months. But then again its just my opinion.
I think what really triggered him on our last weekend together is the fact that we reached a wall in our relationship, where we couldnt even fantasise about any future plans together because it was 100% confirmed he was leaving. And all he wanted to talk about was the project and how excited he was for LA. Which even a blind man could see made me very uncomfortable and sad.

When he broke up with me he pretty much said “i either need to commit or end it” “i am leaving, i dont know if its gonna be 3months, 6months or years” and “i wanna be selfish for once in my life”.
He wanted to leave and i stopped him and said that i dont wanna be robbed of the opportunity to say this to a man (as ive never said it) and told him “i love you and thank you for our time together, i didnt expect to meet somebody like you”. And i promise, ive broken up with men before, cos i didnt feel anything, and ive never seen a man cry. Until now. He fully sobbed. Tears rushing down his face, eyes red, hand on his mouth and nose, him shaking. I could feel his body wanting to turn around and run but i held him and didnt let him (not forcefully but you know what i mean). I wasnt even crying and he was fully sobbing.
first i took it as a possitive. That he cared and felt something for me. It could of been love, it could have been just strong feelings.
Then my BPD hit and i started thinking he only cried because he felt guilty.
And i guess ill never know.
 
O

OlderStudent

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its is actually a stated fact that people can suffer from pain caused by mental issues. i cannot remember the cause off the top of my head as i only scanned the article.

and people can never see the future after something like this. :(

all you can do is take it a day at a time, and see where everything goes.
 
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