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Life isnt fair, love isnt fair

Viltato

Viltato

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Joined
Jun 1, 2021
Messages
19
Location
London
Hi,
I dont know how to start this. I met a man 5months ago. Didnt wanna go on a date with him. Even made excuses before our date that i can only stay for an hour. Ended up being on a 5hr date till we got kicked out of the pub.
And thats how i started spending every single weekend and free day with him.
It was easy, my bpd only got triggered a few times and he handled it so so well. He is the only man i never got angry for holding me all night or waking me up with kisses. Affection used to trigger me insanely. This is the longest relationship ive been in and im 27.
He told me a month ago that he might have to go for 3-6months to work in US. If he does get this job he doesnt wanna commit to anybody as it will hurt us both if he keeps getting dragged out months on end. We continued seeing each other until this job got confirmed.
He got the job.
A week after he found out about it he broke up with me. He said he doesnt want a long distance relationship and wants to be selfish.
I told him i loved him, as i was holding this in for a bit. This was the first time i told a man that i loved him. And it felt so good to say it to his face.
He cried. Full on sobbed.
And then left.
Theres still 2 months till he leaves for LA.
I cant understand why he didnt wanna spend these last 2 months with me if he cared about me.
So obviously i think i wasnt enough. And thats why he left.
I feel like i found everything i wanted in a man. Where i didnt get bored or tired to spend time with him. And now i dont have him anymore. And i will never have somebody like him.
I feel like life is just not worth it. My job is super mobile so i never thought distance would be the issue with any relationship. But he didnt want me to travel with him.
We still have things planned till december with tickets booked etc.
And its so so so sad.
I thought we had more time together. I thought he cared more and would try harder.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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It is painful, but if he loved you and wanted to be with you, he would have taken you with him, not gone at all, or said he would be back soon and please wait for him.

I don't know why some men do this. My friend (female) went to work in Australia for a year, and her boyfriend didn't want her to go but she had always wanted to so she went. He sent her letters, clips, presents, whilst she was away.

They are married now. He wouldn't let her get away as he loved her and she knew she would be with him once she came back home.

That is love.

This man you were with, he doesn't want to settle down perhaps or doesn't want to settle down with you. It makes me angry as most women don't want to have several boyfriends, they want the one to come along first and live happily ever after.

Some men are like this too. Another friend of mine, her husband proposed to her when he was 20, she was 22, and they are still together and have four children.

You deserve better. You deserve to be cherished. Can i be controversial here and advise you not to chase the gorgeous man but to look a bit longer at the nice looking man with the kind smile. It's what is inside that counts.
 
Viltato

Viltato

Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2021
Messages
19
Location
London
It is painful, but if he loved you and wanted to be with you, he would have taken you with him, not gone at all, or said he would be back soon and please wait for him.

I don't know why some men do this. My friend (female) went to work in Australia for a year, and her boyfriend didn't want her to go but she had always wanted to so she went. He sent her letters, clips, presents, whilst she was away.

They are married now. He wouldn't let her get away as he loved her and she knew she would be with him once she came back home.

That is love.

This man you were with, he doesn't want to settle down perhaps or doesn't want to settle down with you. It makes me angry as most women don't want to have several boyfriends, they want the one to come along first and live happily ever after.

Some men are like this too. Another friend of mine, her husband proposed to her when he was 20, she was 22, and they are still together and have four children.

You deserve better. You deserve to be cherished. Can i be controversial here and advise you not to chase the gorgeous man but to look a bit longer at the nice looking man with the kind smile. It's what is inside that counts.
I never searched for the gorgeous man. I searched for a kind man that made me laugh and made me feel comfortable and calm. As my bpd drives me crazy on a daily. The fact that when my bpd got triggered he didnt make a big deal out of it was amazing. In the months we were seeing each other we never shut up. It was interesting, it was fun. We could talk for hours and hours. I miss him.
He didnt take me with him because its a lot to ask of somebody youve known for 5months.
And i wouldnt have let him not take the opportunity for this job as he really wanted it.
The only thing that makes me sad is we could of still had 2 months together and he chose not to.
I can only sit here and contemplate his reasoning for it. Its either he didnt want to spend anymore time with me or he didnt want to get more attached so its harder to leave. I do want to believe its the second one. But my brain keeps saying i wasnt enough for him to love.
I just feel incredibly alone, i miss him and im incredibly suicidal for this reason. I dont want to be a cliche and kill myself over heartbreak, but men like him are one in a lifetime. Atleast for me.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I'm really sorry things didn't work out, I've lost a love recently but she didn't leave for a foreign country, she just came to the belief she couldn't make me happy due to her bipolar and other things which couldn't be further than the truth.

But please don't give up hope of ever finding love again, I know it's hard trying to find people but when you do it's so very worth it.


If you're feeling like you want to die, it's important to tell someone.

Help and support is available right now if you need it. You do not have to struggle with difficult feelings alone.

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Please do seek help as soon as possible.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,849
Hi,
I dont know how to start this. I met a man 5months ago. Didnt wanna go on a date with him. Even made excuses before our date that i can only stay for an hour. Ended up being on a 5hr date till we got kicked out of the pub.
And thats how i started spending every single weekend and free day with him.
It was easy, my bpd only got triggered a few times and he handled it so so well. He is the only man i never got angry for holding me all night or waking me up with kisses. Affection used to trigger me insanely. This is the longest relationship ive been in and im 27.
He told me a month ago that he might have to go for 3-6months to work in US. If he does get this job he doesnt wanna commit to anybody as it will hurt us both if he keeps getting dragged out months on end. We continued seeing each other until this job got confirmed.
He got the job.
A week after he found out about it he broke up with me. He said he doesnt want a long distance relationship and wants to be selfish.
I told him i loved him, as i was holding this in for a bit. This was the first time i told a man that i loved him. And it felt so good to say it to his face.
He cried. Full on sobbed.
And then left.
Theres still 2 months till he leaves for LA.
I cant understand why he didnt wanna spend these last 2 months with me if he cared about me.
So obviously i think i wasnt enough. And thats why he left.
I feel like i found everything i wanted in a man. Where i didnt get bored or tired to spend time with him. And now i dont have him anymore. And i will never have somebody like him.
I feel like life is just not worth it. My job is super mobile so i never thought distance would be the issue with any relationship. But he didnt want me to travel with him.
We still have things planned till december with tickets booked etc.
And its so so so sad.
I thought we had more time together. I thought he cared more and would try harder.
Wow so he made you break down your walls and let down your defence guard, all so he could eventually disappoint you 5 months later.
Sounds like a piece of work.
I'm sorry you had to go through this shit.
Honestly I am.
 
Viltato

Viltato

Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2021
Messages
19
Location
London
Wow so he made you break down your walls and let down your defence guard, all so he could eventually disappoint you 5 months later.
Sounds like a piece of work.
I'm sorry you had to go through this shit.
Honestly I am.
Id like to believe he didnt expect to develop feelings for somebody. And just didnt want to end it.
Cos this is his dream job he chose to be selfish and go for it rather than stay for me. Atleast this is what i tell myself so i dont go crazy.
Because i cant imagine another reason why a man would spend his every single weekend and free day with me.
I just hope he actually felt something and didnt just use me.
 
O

OlderStudent

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Joined
Nov 17, 2021
Messages
136
Location
England
As devils advocate here:
I do not think that he did use you at all. I think that it made a decision based on what he beelived was best for him. Maybe he thought that it would be too hard to continue right up until the moment he left, and wanted time to process and get over you before moving etc?

I do think that if he was only going for three to six months he should have tried to stay in contact etc however.
 
D

dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,849
Id like to believe he didnt expect to develop feelings for somebody. And just didnt want to end it.
Cos this is his dream job he chose to be selfish and go for it rather than stay for me. Atleast this is what i tell myself so i dont go crazy.
Because i cant imagine another reason why a man would spend his every single weekend and free day with me.
I just hope he actually felt something and didnt just use me.
Jeez the whole situation sounds so strange. Men are so strange.
It sounds like he was emotionally involved and he also actively made you be emotionally involved, then
after all of that, he just suddenly decides to pull away from you on a whim.

I also would struggle to believe that he was just using you, based on everything you have said.

this is one of those scenarios where life and emotions just don't make sense.

Why would he do all of that, only to change his mind and decide he doesn't want to make it work. The job thing kinda sounds like an excuse because he could have travelled with you beforehand and he could have made the relationship work despite moving away and the job. It sounds like excuses.

maybe he is one of those men who gets made uncomfortable by feelings or something long term. There are a lot of men like that about. And there's usually no way you can make them face up to their fear because they are truly cowards at heart. So there's no forcing things. Only to accept that that is who they are. He is who he is I guess
 
O

OlderStudent

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Joined
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Messages
136
Location
England
well, i definitely agree that us men are weird!!! :cool:
 
Viltato

Viltato

Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2021
Messages
19
Location
London
Jeez the whole situation sounds so strange. Men are so strange.
It sounds like he was emotionally involved and he also actively made you be emotionally involved, then
after all of that, he just suddenly decides to pull away from you on a whim.

I also would struggle to believe that he was just using you, based on everything you have said.

this is one of those scenarios where life and emotions just don't make sense.

Why would he do all of that, only to change his mind and decide he doesn't want to make it work. The job thing kinda sounds like an excuse because he could have travelled with you beforehand and he could have made the relationship work despite moving away and the job. It sounds like excuses.

maybe he is one of those men who gets made uncomfortable by feelings or something long term. There are a lot of men like that about. And there's usually no way you can make them face up to their fear because they are truly cowards at heart. So there's no forcing things. Only to accept that that is who they are. He is who he is I guess
before me he was in a long term (5-6yr) relationship. I met him a year after their break up.
i think his fear of long term is that before his last relationship ended he was away for work for 3-4months and when he came back she told him she didnt miss him at all while he was away and then couple months later they ended things.
he is a very very passionate man when it comes to his work. He worked very hard to be in the position he is and this was a big opportunity from what he not only told me but showed me as well.
i encouraged him to get this job and tried to be happy when he told me he got it. I think it may have gotten too painful for him to see me try to plan things for us just to see that it wont work as hes going to be away. Or it got too painful for him to see me plan things that he didnt want to be involved in with me. Who knows.
 
O

OlderStudent

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from what you say i think that it does make sense.
 
Viltato

Viltato

Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2021
Messages
19
Location
London
As devils advocate here:
I do not think that he did use you at all. I think that it made a decision based on what he beelived was best for him. Maybe he thought that it would be too hard to continue right up until the moment he left, and wanted time to process and get over you before moving etc?

I do think that if he was only going for three to six months he should have tried to stay in contact etc however.
I was thinking this too… i try to think positively about it without hurting myself too much. But sometimes its too hard and the bad thoughts win over. I broke and texted him 4 days after we broke up. Idk if hes saying that just to be nice but we might still keep contact in the future… im trying not to keep hope.
 

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OlderStudent

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Nov 17, 2021
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England
i think give it a little time, let the wound scab over, and see.
my impression is that if might be suffering over it all as well.
just, as you say, think positively and do not get your hopes up.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I was thinking this too… i try to think positively about it without hurting myself too much. But sometimes its too hard and the bad thoughts win over. I broke and texted him 4 days after we broke up. Idk if hes saying that just to be nice but we might still keep contact in the future… im trying not to keep hope.
It is confusing.

Many men seem able to shut their feelings off more than most women can.

His mind seems fixed and clear that he is making the right decision.

The first part, his feelings are not as strong as yours but that could be because he has simply made his mind up.

The last part about seeing what the future holds, it is a possibility that when he returns you can reconnect.

I would believe that, that you will meet again when he returns, and see how you both feel.

I'm thinking about all of this from a non bpd perspective.

Can you focus on something now like fitness, some challenge, learn sign language, volunteer, a skill, just to get you through?

Your suicidal thoughts, is that your bpd, the pain of loss? Is it about not feeling whole, and he filled that gap in yourself?

Was it dependency? I say was, it may just have been put on pause. Perhaps he has simply pressed pause.
 
T

tiltawhirl3

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Location
Bristol TN
I think he has been authentic. Life & love are often messy.
I have seen men do this kind of thing before. Some don't think it is fair to ask you to wait for them. They will sacrifice their own feelings to give you the freedom to see others rather than be lonely and/or beholden to them.
Give it time.
Get busy taking best care of yourself & see how things go.
Sometimes it is absence that makes us realize the value of something or someone.
This isn't about men vs women. It is human. And, no, he cannot immediately forget you after what you have shared together. The healthy brain does not work that way.
There are times we must give each other space. You are going to have to just sit with that sometimes uncomfortable truth. But invest in yourself and have patience.
Wait a week or two or until he contacts you and then just share some little things of mutual interest..common friends etc or things you have been doing.
Why did he do it 2 months early? He may be dealing with his own fears and discomfort.
 
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