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Life is not worth this hell

B

broken1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2015
Messages
104
Location
U.S.
I keep trying to find a reason to keep going on. I've always struggled and fought and overcome but I am just too exhausted. I can't keep this up. I was stable. I'm very high functioning when I am stable. Hubby and I divorced. Due to finances, I have to live here until I can afford a place. It's always all about him. He's always the poor victim. He can't see that his narcissistic me me me crap killed this relationship. He hates anyone that get's any of my attention. So I quit having much to do with anyone, especially family. I bent over backward. I can't take the controlling abusive crap anymore.

I have a friend that also has mental issues. After my divorce he made it known he was interested. He is ex military with ptsd, etc. I think it's more than that. I have kept it on a friendship level because I wanted to be loyal to then hubby. At this point I am ready to tell him to go away too. He flips out on occasion, tells me BPD people are nothing but narcissists, etc. He was hurt by a woman like that. I am an empath, not a narcissistic bone in my body. I sacrifice for EVERYONE I love. He has since gotten to know me better and claims he has never met a BPD like me. I have worked SO HARD to be a good, decent, loving person. I don't want drama or stress. I want peace and quiet. I want my "home" to be my sanctuary.

So I have this ex beating me down verbally almost every day because he can't control me anymore. I want OUT!!!!! But finances won't allow it. And then I have my friend who tells me he loves me, wants to make a life with me one day, then the next pushing me away and saying he could never be with me because of (enter reason here). Manipulation!!!!

I'm so sick of it. I'm so beaten down all I can think about is never waking up. I am in such a bad place right now. It's all I can do to keep holding on. I see my therapist tomorrow but honestly I don't know what she can do. Can't change the fact that I am stuck and see no light at the end of the tunnel. Nevermind that when I DO, it's a damn train and I just get crushed anyway. What's this life for? Seriously!!! Pain and misery and suffering. I HATE EVERYTHING right now!!!!! If God were a kind entity, He would let me sleep FOREVER!!!!!
 
R_Sxo

R_Sxo

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2017
Messages
2,202
I keep trying to find a reason to keep going on. I've always struggled and fought and overcome but I am just too exhausted. I can't keep this up. I was stable. I'm very high functioning when I am stable. Hubby and I divorced. Due to finances, I have to live here until I can afford a place. It's always all about him. He's always the poor victim. He can't see that his narcissistic me me me crap killed this relationship. He hates anyone that get's any of my attention. So I quit having much to do with anyone, especially family. I bent over backward. I can't take the controlling abusive crap anymore.

I have a friend that also has mental issues. After my divorce he made it known he was interested. He is ex military with ptsd, etc. I think it's more than that. I have kept it on a friendship level because I wanted to be loyal to then hubby. At this point I am ready to tell him to go away too. He flips out on occasion, tells me BPD people are nothing but narcissists, etc. He was hurt by a woman like that. I am an empath, not a narcissistic bone in my body. I sacrifice for EVERYONE I love. He has since gotten to know me better and claims he has never met a BPD like me. I have worked SO HARD to be a good, decent, loving person. I don't want drama or stress. I want peace and quiet. I want my "home" to be my sanctuary.

So I have this ex beating me down verbally almost every day because he can't control me anymore. I want OUT!!!!! But finances won't allow it. And then I have my friend who tells me he loves me, wants to make a life with me one day, then the next pushing me away and saying he could never be with me because of (enter reason here). Manipulation!!!!

I'm so sick of it. I'm so beaten down all I can think about is never waking up. I am in such a bad place right now. It's all I can do to keep holding on. I see my therapist tomorrow but honestly I don't know what she can do. Can't change the fact that I am stuck and see no light at the end of the tunnel. Nevermind that when I DO, it's a damn train and I just get crushed anyway. What's this life for? Seriously!!! Pain and misery and suffering. I HATE EVERYTHING right now!!!!! If God were a kind entity, He would let me sleep FOREVER!!!!!
Hi broken1,

You've been very brave in sharing your story, so well done!

You're in a tricky position. I would suggest reconnecting with family, and going to live with them for a bit. Get away from this ex as soon as possible, because he is clearly ruining your life. For the friend, ask him to make his mind up, because you don't want to play games. If he doesn't give an unchanging confident yes, then don't enter a relationship with him either.

Surround yourself with people that actually care about you. See the therapist, and ask if you can make a strategy in dealing with these issues and moving on.

Suicide is not the answer. Doing that only lets your narcissistic excuse of an ex husband get what he wants. You don't let him win by giving up, but by surviving, living and thriving despite all his efforts. Like anything in life, you have to work hard and put in the effort to get what you want, and this is no different. You are the one who can turn your life around, so it's in your hands to life the life you want to live :)
 
S

SuZQ154

Active member
Joined
May 21, 2017
Messages
25
I agree with many things that R_Sxo said. You have been brave and wise to share your story. Reaching out to people who care is key to getting out of dark places. You mentioned "if God were a kind entity". I believe that He is. Have you considered reaching out to pastor or support group like Divorce Care?
 
B

broken1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2015
Messages
104
Location
U.S.
Thank you to you both. I am still not where I should be mentally but I am still hanging in there. I have no where to go except temporarily. That scares me to death. I have been on my own since I was 16, very responsible and independant. I thought I found a solution but it fell through. My therapist is trying her best to help. How much more can one person take? The other night ex and I got into an argument. It turned physical wrestling over a phone. I ended up with a jammed thumb and him with scratches on his cheek. I did not mean to scratch him at all. I felt purely awful for it!!! It was totally an accident that happened due to the scuffle. He won't let me live it down. He's back to being controlling and pushy, trying to get me to have sex with him. I just want OUT!!!! I want it NOW!!! I am trying to make nice so no more drama like the other night but I want to run when he wants a "hug between friends". Geez God must think I'm invincible!!! I will try Divorce Care. I told ex lets go to his pastor but obviously he wants him to hear only one side of the story. I have not been to church for ages. I'm one of those that thinks religion is not good for bringing peace between people. I have a personal relationship with Him, so I have not done the religion thing in awhile. I am so lost. It really hurts.
 
R_Sxo

R_Sxo

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2017
Messages
2,202
Thank you to you both. I am still not where I should be mentally but I am still hanging in there. I have no where to go except temporarily. That scares me to death. I have been on my own since I was 16, very responsible and independant. I thought I found a solution but it fell through. My therapist is trying her best to help. How much more can one person take? The other night ex and I got into an argument. It turned physical wrestling over a phone. I ended up with a jammed thumb and him with scratches on his cheek. I did not mean to scratch him at all. I felt purely awful for it!!! It was totally an accident that happened due to the scuffle. He won't let me live it down. He's back to being controlling and pushy, trying to get me to have sex with him. I just want OUT!!!! I want it NOW!!! I am trying to make nice so no more drama like the other night but I want to run when he wants a "hug between friends". Geez God must think I'm invincible!!! I will try Divorce Care. I told ex lets go to his pastor but obviously he wants him to hear only one side of the story. I have not been to church for ages. I'm one of those that thinks religion is not good for bringing peace between people. I have a personal relationship with Him, so I have not done the religion thing in awhile. I am so lost. It really hurts.
Clearly, this current situation isn't good for you, and you're not happy at all where you are. You will be able to find housing elsewhere - you could approach family for help in finding a new place to stay? I would hope that they would help you out somehow, after all, you are still a part of the family at the end of the day.

The fact that this is turning physical means that this situation is becoming dangerous for you. You need to get out as soon as possible. Please do what you can to get out of there and find a new place to stay. <3
 
S

SuZQ154

Active member
Joined
May 21, 2017
Messages
25
Having a personal relationship with Him is what gets me through the days! Praying for you today!
 
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