Life is hard enough

A

Anxiousjoe

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
15
#1
Hello everyone,

I am pretty much in dire straits and an online forum is the ONLY thing that I haven’t tried.

Before I begin I will tell you that I have my first NHS psychotherapist appointment next week and speak to my GP regularly.

About me; I am 32 years old, male, fit, great job, fabulous fiancé, lovely wee girl and the best dog! I also have a great relationship with my family and friends and I am fortunate enough not to have financial worries. My Facebook account would indicate a nice life with a nice house and nice holidays. In fact, I am probably thought of as a happy confident and normal guy.

The above was not to boast. It was to set the tone for the fact that I suffer from crippling OCD and GAD that is so well hidden from the world. I have survived in this state for the bulk of the last 20 years. I have lost friends who got upset when I didn’t ‘go out with the boys’ with my ‘stupid excuses’ when in reality I was in a bubble of my own self generated dread.

Symptoms;

Chest pain (pinpoint, shooting, 6/10 pain)
Check pulse 50 times a day
Feel like pulse checking keeping me alive
Fear of death (heart or stroke)
Nausea
Headache
Pins and Needles
IBS
Can’t sleep
Can’t relax
Can’t cope with sudden changes to schedule
Obsessive praying for my worries not to happen
Must do things ‘correct’
Struggle to read if make mistakes I restart
Worry about all things
Waking up suddenly to severe panic
Sensation that heart is slowing to a stop
There is always something going on!

Has anyone any experience of curing this? Beta blockers didn’t work as took my resting heart rate from 59 to 48 (scary).

My blood pressure is 129/79 which is most recent average.

I have a Fitbit that says my RHR is 59 and my recovery rate after exercise seems good! 132 to 92 in two minutes after stationary bike.

I cannot shift the feeling that I am on the verge of a sudden catastrophic event. I do many actions to settle my mind but if interrupted I need to start again... often berating the interrupter! 😩 then regretting that!

I have had a cold for a few weeks and had a foot injury and have had some GERD so my mind is constantly flying to the current source of irritation that triggers something else. It’s a viscous cycle. I just want to stop being hypersensitive to my body and it’s natural sensations.

I would not and have not thought about suicide but recently I am noticing that I can relate to why people do it if their own mind is torturing them!

In my mind;

Chest pain is heart
Headache is stroke
Sore throat is allergic reaction
Stomach is ulcer
Leg pain is MS
Pins and needles is stroke

I woke up last night 20 minutes after falling asleep and felt like (with no pain) my heart was slowing to a stop and I was about to die. Had to run down stairs to get system going. Then lay nervous. Then slept ok.

Surely if my heart etc was in a bad way I would be dead or at least symptomatic in a hospital by now? I know this myself but can’t shake the fear!

Any help welcome and god bless anyone in the same position.
 
M

Miss piggy

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
39
#2
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. I joined last night myself so I’m quite new.

I don’t have personal experience of OCD but I’ve worked with people professionally that struggle with it.

You say you’ve tried beta blockers for the heart symptoms, has your doctor suggested anything else? I’m wondering if antidepressants might help with the health anxiety.

I can certainly relate to feeling like your constantly close to a catastrophic event. For me that feeling is a warning that I’m becoming unwell again.

Hopefully you’ll get something out of your psychotherapy. Be really honest about your experiences as the more they understand you, the better support they can give imo.

I know what you mean about Facebook and the impression it gives of our life. So much goes on behind the scenes that we don’t show on there.

Good luck with therapy and feel free to message if you need a friendly ear x
 
A

Anxiousjoe

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
15
#3
Thank you kindly for your reply and can respond better later today.

For clarity the beta blockers were for anxiety and not heart. The doctors say my heart is great.

It’s just they made me more anxious as I noticed the slower heart 😭😩
 
M

Miss piggy

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
39
#4
Yes, the same thing happened to me when I tried them ten years ago. They’re not for everybody.

Look forward to hearing more about you later. I hope today is manageable for you x
 

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