Life is Bonkers

[RatViper]

Greetings,

Life is Bonkers, is the name of the book I've never written but have wanted too for at least 10 years. Think I'll make a start by just talking to you peeps.

Don't really know how to proceed from here, so gonna just free flow write as things are occurring to me. This can be very tricksy indeed though, as I'm sure most of you would agree. Want to free flow without it becoming jumbled, very, very tricksy.

Well, I've always wanted to know where the issues in my life began, where things went wrong. never been able to as of yet. Got a funny feeling that it was when I was 4 years old. Just can't remember properly, I am and have been remembering more and more as time goes by though.

I'm almost 38 now, will be at the end of next month, been fighting the good fight for a very long time. i was but an innocent, unblemished free spirit before I turned 4, before I started school and entered a completely different world away from my truly beloved family.

This new world scarred me in an instant, I remember it often.

I awoke out of blissful babyhood innocence into a world of pain. I took in the whole of my universe in an instant and immediately felt all the pain and anguish that is amongst each and all of us.

That's definitely where the beginning of my download spiral started, here's to upwards and beyond!

Cya,
RatViper

 

[rabina]

Hey RatViper,

I can relate, but this didn't start for me until oh, about the age of 5.

That's young; you just refreshed my memory, thanks.

Severe Sensitivity/keen perception of all that surrounds you is what I call it.
You have little control of it especially at such a young age and it grows with you.

You pick up the pain, emotions and vibes of everyone around you as well as just trying to deal with your own.
Extremely overwhelming especially in such a cruel world.

Many with autism experience these same type of feelings and it is often assoicated with autism instead of what it actually is as I stated above.
I know such a person and she is brilliant, smarter than anyone I know.

She has adapted extremely well in being in social settings and with many people around her.
She loves life and is a beautiful person.
All who know her love her and admire her for she's an inspiration to me as well as others.
She's funny and extremely curious about every detail of everyone's life. She really wants to know all about a person including their pets and their names and ages.

This isn't an easy state of being as you probably know.
It can last a lifetime or you can use tools to have more control of what you're feeling and thinking.
These tools are not taught in school; they are self taught usually, but I'm sure others here can shed more light on this matter.

Thanks for stirring things up and just when I was settling down a little.
I just keep on getting into more trouble by visiting here, oh well, free therapy, I hope.

I have this funny feeling that you seem to have things pretty much in control.


Life is Bonkers; sounds so familiar.
Keep writing.

rabina

 

[RatViper]

Hi Rabina

Yeh it is a young age to feel these things, and you've helped clarify where the roots of my issues have come from. Severe sensitivity/keen perception off all that surrounds oneself hits the nail on the head, spot on. Your story regarding the inspiring person you know has inspired me. Thank you. I feel like I know my sensitive feelings and awareness will last a life time, and now I feel glad that I am as I am. Sure things go wonky at times to say the least, and have been ultra wonky in the past, but it's time I lay my past to rest. Part of the process is for me to first remember what has happened in my life, learn to put it to rest, even if it hurts to do so, as it will. I know the end result will be beautiful.

I know in my heart you're right regarding that i've got a handle on things, even though my consciousness argues over this fact. I've made great strides over the years to get back in touch with myself and manage things better since starting school and beyond, even when at Uni things really hit the fan and I lost all sense of myself, became under total control by the voice/s. It might have been one or more than one voice at the start, or maybe a collection of voices, possible combining to make an overall whole. That's how I feel things are with them now at least. I lived in a constant state of fear and pain, master of puppets pulling my strings. I knew not of what I feared, could not even comprehend it, all I knew is that I had to do as he/they said or else something horrendous would happen. I had to obey.

16 years have passed since I left Uni, and it's been a living nightmare. Now though, things are different. I'm not out of the woods yet and I will lose my way again at times but things certainly are improving overall. My bad periods are still horrible, but are bearable now on the whole now. I've been learning to cope and some of the time actually enjoy elements of life again.

Live long and prosper,
RatViper

 

[Spirit]

I need to come back to this post when I have more time (about to leave for work) but I wanted to say welcome to RatViper and say that you sound like a writer.

Also, my issues I think started for me when I was 8'ish. I'd like to say before, when all the crap hit the fan when I was 6 but I don't have any/many memories before the age of 8 so I'll just have to stick with that.

Anyways, welcome!

Hi, Rabina! *waves*

 

[calfellows]

Spirit,
Same for me, age 7. It was never cruel or sadistic until I was around 19, has been that way ever since. How are things with you? Doing better lately? I've found a few tricks over the years, mainly whole food natural vitamins and exercise with whole living foods. The vitamins build up after a few months, works as a shield/barrier to these munsters. Write anytime, very interested in your own related experiences. Please share...
Cal

 

[RatViper]

Hi Spirit and calfellows and all the rest of ye,

Sounds like similar circumstances to me. Had a bad experience when i was a baby/child and then when I was around 21 the shit hit the fan and the monsters came.

Glad I sound like a writer, it's something I've always wanted to do, just never had the confidence and applied myself to it before.

Talking of tips/tricks, I'll try sharing some of mine - Music of course, or a film if I'm in the right enough mood, doing my best to look at things objectively instead of it all purely being a subjective experience, chatting on these here forums, visiting hearing voices groups every so often, hanging out with people who don't judge me, and more. A big one is realising that whatever these voices/experiences are they're part of me, and it follows that if they are part of me then they could be coming from my subconscious which would then imply that there's something needing to be dealt with - at the root of it all if you will.

Talking of films there's 2 particular films that have great meaning to me, they were films I watched repeatedly round when the monsters came for me. They're Pink Floyd the Wall and Alien Ressurection. Technically they possibly may not have been the correct choice in films to watch, but I was drawn to them both at different times for different reasons. So I surmise that they were 'right' films for me to watch even though the content could be described as disturbing.

Well I've watched them both a few times recently and am learning a great deal about my past as I'm watching them. Sure I'm getting painful flashback's but I believe it's necessary and I am ready for them. Something else I'm also ready for is to read the hefty tome of papers I wrote when I went and was insane (i'm just kind of off my head nowadays lol). I've never ever looked at em ever since and certainly ain't gonna do it alone, also if they have a negative effect on me more than a positive I'll file 'em away again for another time.

Well some very good news that hopefully can inspire you all....

I'm happy and have been on the whole for 2 weeks now. As I may have mentioned before it's not because of mania either. I feel quite stable and feeling groovy too. Things are making more and more sense to me and clicking into place a piece at a time, maybe I no longer will have horrible references to me being jigsaw man - 'Bits and pieces, bits and pieces. Ha ha!'. That's what my voices have told me for an extremely long time and well it's no longer having a severe effect on me now. There's many other things I could describe that I've been overcoming, but too numerous to mention, so I'll leave you all with this thought......

What are voices? Spirits? Demons? Angels? Messages from the ID? Whatever you feel yours are or someone you know thinks their's are, remember this - They can't physically harm anyone (even though they will most likely make out they can directly/indirectly, and as I'm sure you're all very aware - they can be most persuasive). They can't physically harm oneself either. They just (and I don't know for sure what the reasons are yet) tend to be bossy so and so's and so forth. What I say is sod it, I don't really care, at the end of the day what's the worse they can do really? Keep oneself stuck in the same position for a while? Make us feel really crap and more? Well if we can all get a handle of own experiences and thoughts and feelings then there's nothing to fear anymore, nothing to feel tormented over, nothing to be bothered about at all. It can all actually be very amusing indeed if ye can look at it in the right light

Adios,
RatViper