life is a rollercoaster

[simonsmith20092009]

I am going through a dilema at the moment and feel my life is being presented with one path ahead of me. A path which could transfrom from a jovial walk through the park into a path through the thickest of jungles, full of venomous spiders, plants and other creatures of night.

My life is almost like being on a desert island, where I have been stranded for years. A boat came past a few years ago offering me a lift of the island, I reluctantly jumped on the boat as I had heard a few stories about their darker side but had to hitch a lift so jumped on. The journey was a bit of a rollercoaster ride and the other shipmates and I did not get on all the time. I was going through a bad phase of social anxiety and/or personal issues and I think I may have turned on the shipmates. I was going through a bad phase and was spurting out allot of venom.

The people giving me the ride may have done something as a result. something nasty to me. There are tell tale signs that something happened but i just dont have any evidence. I was thinking about going to doctors but its so emabarresing.

I then jumped of the boat for a while hoping I could pursue my life with them not being part of it but have found the life has stalled again and have found myslef stranded on another desert island (lonely, socially disconnected, not in relationship, no job, no money, no life).

I am in such desperation at moment that I have had to go back to this ship (group of people). the people who may have done the dirty and try and grab another ride. Only this time I have had time to calm down and am now aware of the social etiuqette.

The trouble is I dont know what lies ahead of me. This is why i don't know if I am about to emabark on another journey or rollercoaster ride from hell.

If i stay on this island I just dont know when the next boat (group of friends/associates) will come from and i dont want to vegeatate any more.

 

[keepsafe]

Hi,

Don't do anything that will put you in harms way again - can you go to your doctor and speak about the issues you are having?
Welcome anyway and stay safe
KS

 

[jamesdean]

Rest assure you are safe with us.

 

[simonsmith20092009]

The biggest obstacle at the moment is dwelling on past. Worrying, suffering anxiety and analyzing the series of events leading up to the potential abuse. I have no evidence of any abuse but I am currently suffering physical complaints which I think is linked to the abuse which may or may not have happened.

All I can recollect is that I did suffering some strange phyiscal symptoms at about the time and date of the alledged abuse. Now that time has passed I have been able to A) refelct on situation B) analyze situation

The problem I am experiencing is that I just dont know how life threatening my physical complaints are and how severe, if any damage has been causesd!

I am also desperate for friends at the moment and the only person who I know I could be friends with is the sister of the guy who may have abused me. I feel trapped. Confused and stuck at a cross-roads or indecisve and sitting on the fence. Either side of fence does not seem like a nice prosepect. I also cant sit on the fence all day, I dont want to hog all the space on it!

 

[unlucky]

I was abused by a family friend when I was very young (6) and had absolutely no recollections of it until I was 18 and it manifested itself in a very vivid dream - I even recalled what I was wearing. I thought it was just a vivid dream but when I asked my sister about it she told me this had happened and that the police had been involved. I don't think you can force yourself to remembe things unless you go down the route of hypnotherapy - maybe it will just come out when you are ready to deal with it. Hope things get better soon.

 

[KP1]

You should get medical treatment for your physical injuries.
In terms of friendships your safety is important if you have doubts about your safety then think about what you do.
Hope you are ok.
KP

 

[simonsmith20092009]

What annoys me is that I dont have any evidence either way which proves they did or did not. At present I am just guessing the worst case scenario. A case which is plausable and holds weight. It could also explain the symptoms i am getting now.

On the otherday, it could be all my anxiety and worry kicking in and blowing the event all out of proprtion. If that is the case then it would seem stupid to jack in a friendship or possible relationship with the potenital abusers sister.

I just dont know!

 

[unlucky]

You sound as though you are in a very confusing place at the moment. Is there no-one who knows your circumstances that you can talk this through with. Aside from the possible abusers sister. If you think something has happened could you not maybe broach the subject with the possible abuser, maybe just saying that you can't remember what happened then you may get some clue from him if anything is amiss. Not sure is you should take this advice or not as it may just make you worse. I'm just trying to think of things you could try.

 

[simonsmith20092009]

You are probably right about playing it safe. I dont want to go through anymore pain. I will stay away from them. Its just so frustrating that I was actually begining to fall into place with the person I think abused me. Now it just seems too late and my life has taken a massive turn for worst!

I just want to get out of this town now. Their is no one here for me now. The problem is it seems increasingly hard to get out of this town since getting abused. It has messed up all my job plans. My job plans were excellent and I could have been a really successful person. This whole turn of events has been a real nightmare and I just dont know what to do. The rollercoaster ride from hell just does not want to finish.

It is so frustrating also because I was really falling in love with the guys sister who abused me. We seemed so made for each other in so many ways. I think she was my soul mate and to have to give her up because of her brother is a difficult decision to make. Why does this have to happen to me now? I had my whole life ahead of me. Now I just dont know what life has in stall for me. Harsh.