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Life is a living hell for me.

M

Me24U

New member
Joined
Dec 5, 2014
Messages
2
I am new here and I simply need some support for what I am going through. I am an intelligent, well-educated, working person with a very loving supportive family but my life has been a living hell.

Life has been difficult for me with a childhood that wasn't the happiest, I married my high school sweetheart simply to find that he was having affairs left right and centre. I was brought up to believe that marriage was for life and you make the best of what you have. It took a church member to convince me that my children needed a stable, loving mother and home and that didn't necessarily involve their father. Eventually I walked and my children are solid, stable citizens.

Eventually, I met another man and I thought everything was wonderful. He was like a Jekyll and Hyde. I was never physically abused although it did come out that he had sexually abused my daughter and while I was undergoing therapy was made aware of the abuse I did suffer which was quite horrendous. Over time I have suffered from severe depression, anxiety and PTSD due to this abusive relationship. When I was thrown out for the woman next door, I decided to end it all. I really meant to. I had everything organized and my adult children would be well provided for. I can still remember crying as I attempted suicide.

Luckily for me (or unluckily you may say) a good friend found me and I was admitted to hospital where I spent some time recovering. I had got my life back together, found the real me again after 20 years and much to my surprise have fallen in love with a wonderful man.

I think life is going well, the future looks great and wham, I am kicked in the guts again. My darling has cancer and it is not looking good. He has confided in no one other than me and is refusing to undergo treatment. I knew he had been treated some years ago and supposedly it was all ok.

Unfortunately I reverted to my standard coping mechanism - alcohol and self-medication. If I sleep it might just all go away. I know it won't but if I am asleep I won't have to think about or face things. I even have thought about taking an overdose to end the hell of my life. I had the brains to send the sleeping pills away as I knew how close to the edge I was. I am not coping very well. I even told a close friend that I would end it when my darling goes as I am not going to go through all the hurt, grief and hopelessness ever again. I actually do mean it.

It's a bit like softball or baseball isn't it. Three strikes and you're out. Three relationships all ending in hurt and grief. At least this time it is not that he doesn't love me, it's life turning the screws again.

When I was finally discharged from the mental health service, I promised them that if I ever felt that way I would get help. I made an appointment today to see the doctor and I will request going back to my therapist. I have also spoken with my social worker today and it feels so good to share what is happening. I know she is well aware of how vulnerable I am. I am not going back to hospital for those issues ever again.

God - I wish there would be a happy future for me but somehow I think I am doomed to sadness.
 
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MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,044
:welcome: to the forum.

You have been going through so much in the past and now. I'm sorry that you have been so much. There's no let up for you isn't there :hug1:

I'm glad you have seen that you need to talk to someone, well done for that.

Let us know how the appointment with the Doctor goes :)

Marliee x
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Hello Me24U. God, I am so sorry you've had to go through all that. My jaw dropped to read that your ex-partner was abusing your daughter. No wonder you've had a hard time accepting men in your life. Now your new partner has cancer... That's just awful. It's a collection of horrendous things that, individually, could knock anyone on their arse, and they've all happened to you. I'm so sorry.

It must be hard to go through all of that and also continue to function as a successful working person. I'm sorry you've had to go through that much pressure for so long.

Please know, though, that you're not doomed to sadness; these horrible, horrendous things do happen, but with the right treatment and stuff, it is possible for people who've gone through things like this to lead happy and fulfilling lives. Please don't give up hope, because that's when you effectively doom yourself - and you needn't.

Are you currently having any therapy for what you're going through? I'd try to get some counselling for the past events, and specialised counselling/group counselling for your partner's cancer. I don't know where you're from but I'm guessing by your spelling of centre that you're British? If so, hit up Macmillan. They're apparently really, really good. Please don't suffer in silence.
 
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