Life getting tough again

[Nina24]

Hi, new here, but been lurking for a few weeks.
I have depression and anxiety but I've been unable to function normally for over 8 months. I have panic attacks, insomnia and get suicidal.
I have not been working as it involves interacting with people and this scares me; even seeing colleagues.
This is not covid related, as on a good day I can go to the supermarket with my husband, but there aren't many of those.
I have a CPN and started CBT about 4 months ago, I find it difficult as I don't feel, I'm either straight into panic or numb.
I take sertraline 150mg but have felt a nothingness for much of my life.
I have a history of childhood trauma and sexual assault.
I can feel things are slipping again, I'll find myself over the pills thinking how easy it would be to take too many, and struggling to get up as life is just not worth doing any more.
I like meditation and try to do it and I feel good immediately after, but then the negative thoughts creep back.
I want to feel joy again but don't know how.

 

[bpd2020]

Hello Nina. You have suffered with trauma and CBT is not going to be helpful for that. It is frustrating you have not been offered more in depth therapy. I would ask for therapy that treats trauma. It is understandable you feel pain with all you have been through. You sound like you are working so hard on your mental health and I think you should feel proud of that.

 

[Nina24]

My CPN keeps saying "remember you are not that little girl anymore " and says I am focusing on negative thoughts, but I don't mean to. Who would choose to be this way?
How do I go about getting trauma counselling?
Thanks

 

[bpd2020]

You can ask for a different kind of therapy. Say you do not feel CBT was helpful. As you have been through trauma you will think of negative things. It would be unusual not to.

 

[Fairy Lucretia]

you have been through so much and deserve to feel happiness and joy
i really hope if you decide to do the trauma therapy it works out for you
please let us know how you get on
Lu x

 

[treasurebox]

Music helps me. Music therapy or listening to good and uplifting songs in youtube makes me feel and think better.

Also doing what I love to do which is writing helps me too. What do you love to do? What are you good at? Is it cooking, baking, gardening, doing arts and crafts? Do it and it will make you happy and even be successful.

 

[Nina24]

I listen to music a lot, but it has to be a certain type as I get irritated or triggered into anxiety by noise and chaos.
I used to enjoy yoga, work outs, baking and puzzles, but I don't have the mental or physical energy to do this. Last week I made a cake for the 1st time this year for my daughters birthday and it did give me a sense of achievement. I suppose I just need to push myself more.
Music is used to drown out thoughts and flashbacks, I can't say it gives me joy anymore. Music or meditation can make me sob uncontrollably and for no apparent reason.
Sorry for wittering, but todays been full of intrusive thoughts, unwanted visitors from the past, that whatever I've tried I can't block out. I'm tired