life feels too much

[Nope_real]

I am 20 years of age. I work in a kitchen as a kitchen porter, when the credit crunch isn't almost making me redundant. I have a girlfriend and I live alone with my brother. I take citalopram and most of the time, I can keep level headed. I don't drink anymore. Things sometimes still get too much, as they do for anyone I know. I want to suck it up and stand pretty but It's hard. When I was a child, I used to get really unhappy sometimes, almost like a nostalgia I guess. I had this feeling that I wasn't me, but I was someone else being me. Like I could feel myself in real time, at an instant and without that seperation of reality -- like how we always feel invincible and able to go outside despite the overwhelming dangers out there "it could never happen to me". I didn't feel like that when I was that way, I felt really real. Recently I have started feeling like that again and very sensitive.

I went to gibraltar the other day, first holiday in six years and free. Me, my mum and her boyfriend, girlfriend came too. We were sitting down having a drink and my girlfriend asked for coctail list and my mum had a face like "hey big spender". All of the sudden, I felt an intense need to keep them both safe, but deny them freedom at the same time, because they could hurt themselves with it.

I got back to the hotel and wouldn't leave my girlfriend alone. When you first get with someone, its magic. After a while that feeling goes and you only really remember that love when something threatens to take that person away. You are pissed off with them most of the time, but you would still watch a bob monkhouse stand up, as you crawled through glass to save them from having to watch a bob monkhouse stand up, on a seat made of glass. I felt that love again and never wanted to let her go. Gibraltar was brilliant, I kept thinking about just emptying my account and starting anew.

I just left the room that day and haven't come back. Everything sounds different, like its all phasing and nothing is clear. Happy things make me sad, sad things make me sad. Up until now citalopram has worked, been taking it for about 2 months. Everything I feel is too intense, life has just started getting too much.

Does anyone have advice on how to surpress simple feelings, or just how to deal with them in a mature manner that doesn't hurt?

 

[Dollit]

What I'd do first of all is go back to the GP and ask for a medication review. Often a lower dose helps and then you have to up the dose to get to the level that's right for you.

The thing with feelings is that they're not always easily supressed and sometimes it's not a good idea to supress them. What you can do is think about how to express them. I'm still learning this one and I don't think you ever do stop learning. What someone has me do is write it all down in the body of an email and save it as draft. I can revise it as much as I want and then I get rid of it and say only what is appropriate. It works for me.

 

[intelgal]

Hey, Glad you had a nice holiday.

It maybe worth checking in with you GP and tell them some of the feelings and thoughts you ve had. He maybe able to recommend something such as therepy or simply a tweeking your medication or just waiting and seeing if things get better. Either way it def getting a check uo.

I love Gibralter I ve been twice and would go every holiday if I could! This credit crunch certinaly is hitting us all.

 

[Nope_real]

Thank you both. I know I should get a check up. It just feels like a chore, especially with work and possible redundancy. Girlfriend puts pressure on with stuff like that. There have been counselling sessions I haven't bothered turning up to. I know it sounds stupid and like "well, theres your answer then, it wont work if you don't try". I just keep hoping little things will vanish, sometimes I'm kind of delusional with how things will get better. The doctors scares me a bit, but when push comes to shove, I can usually grow the balls to go.

Just dont like going outside. I'm ok in a new place, because no-one knows me or could get to know me, or grew up with me, or seen me around. I feel safer at work and home. An instution like the army of something would probably be perfect for me, if I wasn't a risk factor. Like my friend said(exfriend) "they dont give mentally retarded people guns"

It was a great holiday. First time flying. It got exciting when the plane had to decend to avoid turbulance. Its an amazing thing, I was in awe of the power. So beautiful in the sky, above the clouds, its like a cliche picture of heaven. Saw the monkeys too. Kept trying to get them to climb on my girlfriend but they rejected her for some spanish girl. Its hard to know where to put your eyes in places like that, the women are on display. My mate always says "its disgusting, she has fat legs" but you know he has a boner same as anyone else when he see's things like that. What a place.

 

[saffron]

I feel like that sometimes I just wish that life could be simple and carefree, that there was innocence, freedom and safety. Where people said what they feel and was honest. I went to africa and felt so happy and free that I would not want anything to destroy that, in fact I cried all the way home and havenever been able to get that fdeeling again, we were all one big happy family, something I have never been part of. You are lucky to have a brother.
I guess keeping your mum and girlfriend happy on your holiday was about keeping harmony but at the same time being torn between keeping them both happy, being torn to showing loyalty to both in the event that they might clash (they also need to build their own relationship). at the same time being in such a fun, relaxing and family orientated environment is something that you yearn for and so never want to forget the feeling you had whilst away, you are only living with your brother now so do you miss the closeness of the family group, are you desperate to stop anything that will ruin that?
I dont know, I feel the constant need to be wanted unconditionally but can never find it and must be a really bad person to be shunted.
you have a family that you go away with, a brother and a girlfriend who clearly cares for you that must feel good?
S

 

[Nope_real]

Yeah, it is good. I have learnt the family foundation is very fragile and must be kept safe. Everytime I argue with my girlfriend and I argue, I beg her not to leave me, even if it wasn't my fault.

You're not a bad person because you can't find unconditional love. Who can? My dog is the only one in my life like that. He would stay next to my corpse and starve to death just to keep my cold bones company. How can anyone, when they really think about it, expect that kind of love really. I would like to think I could love someone that way, but life doesn't seem to work that way.

I think maybe im just tired of this place and the life that has become routine. Just a sad part of life I guess, we make everything dull routine in the end.

I think what I meant was, some feelings are just too much. You know how catholics punish themselves for sins and feeling anything remotely good. Whenever things are going well, I always feel the need to punish myself for being happy.

I've just had enough with being an adult. Like many people, waah waah waah.... I know. Solitude just doesn't exist anymore.

 

[saffron]

I get a lots of solace out of being with all my animals as they are always just there no matter what my mood. and yes I agree when you say that it hard as an adult and sometimes I sit and watch young children with dotting parents and wish I could have that, I guess I am still yearning for that for myself, I have two children and have always just loved them for what and who they are but I dont expect them to give me the same love as i need from a parent, mine are by the least maternal parents I know and I always felt like I missed out of a normal loving and supportive relationship with them, I guess sometimes that I , like you feel punished if I feel happy because I feel I dont deserve it and am not used to it so dont know how to handle it. I think I push people away because of it , cos I come on too needy I suppose, but all I want is someone to care for me for once and the odd cuddle, is that too much to ask.
S

 

[Nope_real]

It isn't too much to ask. We will always revert to that baby in the foetal position nursing in the safety of the womb. Adults under extreeme stress and anxiety often fall asleep with the tele on because white noise is the noise we heard in the womb. When they get cold they often curl into the foetal position, or during a breakdown nurse in the position in confusion between phyiscal and mental agony. It's almost beautiful. The older we get and the more our childhoods fade into obscurity, the more we miss it. It will however, always be there. Everyone needs a hug. I cry on my girlfriends shoulder alot, and it feels like being mothered. Not in a weird way, just feels safe. Parents are such important figures in peoples life. It is important to remember though, you are your own creation and if you can manifest sadness for yourself(I do this alot), then you can surely comfort yourself by default.

Parents are strange. My girlfriend always insists that I should be bitter with my mum for leaving me and my brother to live alone. I don't see it that way. People show love in different ways, be it by not falling apart bit by bit, sensitivity, physical love, spoken word and many unusual ways.

My family have strange ways of dealing with each other, when my mum gets scared by my behavior she fills my mouth with drink and we pretend it's the early 90's again and everyone is burying their 80's shoulder pad wearing corpses and saying "hey lets wear farmers clothes and film everything with this camera".

I know what you mean by being "needy". I get like that with music. I've been writing an ep for five years, because I always delete stuff and re-write it. I have met people to try and find someone to write with, but I always suffocate the relationship before a chord is even put down. My drive in life is leaving behind a perfect oxymorone enigma disk. It's also that every year gets sadder. More nostalgia, another year closer to death....but hey, if death scares me, I must be doing something right.

With the relationships i've sabbotaged I sometimes think, maybe the problem is how I feel about myself. I can make a load of friends, change them and pretend i'm happy, but I can't change my skin, I can't change my face and I can't change me. I think maybe if I was happier with myself, then I wouldn't come across as so creepy to people. Can't change who your parents are either, but you can change your name legally to something like jean christophe boullion so your initials are jcb and your name sounds sexy and fast.

Do you think if you had unconditional love that could fill the gap your parents left that it would end there?

I always thought that when I got a girlfriend i'd never hurt her like my dad did to my mum mentally by leaving, but the way I act and how unhappy I get has equally scarred her for life probably. Thats a cruel part of life, we humans never really learn from hindsight because it isn't human to not make human mistakes. There is always a bigger mountain behind the mountain we always wanted to climb.


Sorry for length of this.

 

[zeropolar wannabe]

Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling crappy at the moment, it's always scary when these kinds of feelings start creeping in. I find meditation can help if things become a little unreal and overwhelming. I don't know if you like that kind of stuff, but it might be worth giving it a go! It sure helps me!

 

[daffy]

Hi there, i think you may need a review of your meds. It could be that maybe you need a lower/higher dose or maybe something different. We all go thru stresses and strain at certain times, someone at work may make an silly remark that you dont like and it can trigger it of.

I know this sounds a bit pathetic but have you thought about exercise. It could be as easy as going for a walk in your local park. Better still make up some sarnies and take your girlfriend. Sometimes the simpler things in life are the best.

 

[saffron]

wow nope-real. you are such a passionate, deep and sensative person, do you ever let your girlfriend or parents read your responses, I cant say my parents give shit one way or another, but at 42 im am still looking for this need to feel that I can be myself and those around would still be there. Im not a bad person thats why I cant understand what I am doing wrong to keep people at such distance because I am always there for them, but I can ask someone for help and they are always to busy.
the way your parents are sounds like they just want you to be independant, in their own funny way, maybe they haave always been pushing you too fast when really all you wanted was to have a cuddle, I know I did, because I have been on my own for so long now I really dont know how to rely on anyone else , I have no reason to trust someone with my feelings, everytime I have Ive been sh*t on from agreat hheight. thing is your parents are still there for you and your brother but do not run your life, maybe you need to tell them that they are a bit too distant and that even though you two are not living with them you still like them to stay close.
Your girlfriend sounds like she is really supportive, be honest with her always. I know when I get close to someone i get really over protective, buts its not just to look after them and make sure they always feel good and are supported but also because I never want to loose that feeling of having someones shoulder to cry on, although saying that as a female I do get taken advantage of all the time because of it. hence the lack of trust, I hate being alone but it does not hurt so much.

your mum sounds great, give the drink and 90s reunion, could she be reliving a time when she was really happpy as well, then she can make you happy and you get closer by being able to share this, cos you may not have been old enough or born to have experienced a time when she felt free and happy.

I love to listen to music and get lost in it all the time, and different music affects me depending on what mood Im in, Im listening to continuum by John Mayer at the moment.

please don't delete things you write, you can always look back at them and they can really tell you a lot about yourself, how your feelings change and how you see things. it will be like a lyrical diary of life, and you can always use this to make an excellent ep based on being real maybe its just your way of showing your feeling is by playing music, writing and lyrics, the most talented artists do this, look at them all, it is their way of communicating.

what do mean you make lots of friends, change them then pretend your happy?

JCB ha ha ha

Mistakes,, Ive had a few
but then again to much to mention
you stand and stare to judge
Ive sussed you, I'm only human

let rip

S

 

[Nope_real]

Thanks for your responses. My medication has been increased recently. I'm better than I have been. It's just melancholy I guess, happy sad almost. Just feel a bit dazed from time to time, like i'm living the moment retrospectively. They advised staying on citalopram and that at least I can respond to people and have some normality now. I've had to explain to my parents I can't drink whilst on them and they say "how about half a pint then?", bless them.

"you can make loads of friends, change them" I meant that I have groups of friends and have drifted apart. I'm like a revolving door. I've had people live with me and my brother over the last few years, I was like dennis wilson to his charles manson. Some of them have been crazy mother truckers. One of them tried to fight me and offered me a beer in between. The best friends i've had has been one guy from school who recently got married, that was sad and good at the same time. The transition into independence is my problem, I just can't grow up.

The bulk of my family have mental issues. We have always been people to ignore it, stiff upper lip and all that bollocks. My mum said I changed when I was 14 and have just got worse with mood swings. I have self medicated since then and now "healthy" medication (can you call it that?). I just want to get back to being without medication and able to get out of bed.

It must be hard as a woman to be able to let people in. As alot of men are very sex driven, but the number of men willing to go through pretending to be caring for a shag, comfort or anything else isn't that high. It's just unlucky that there are people like that in all walks of life and that it only takes one little thing to break someones trust. A mans burden is not being able to always show women weakness. He feels like he has to pretend to be strong to always carry the weight of the world on his back, despite the fact the woman has usually already folded it into a neat pocket size, alphabetically arranged, accessorised(if needed) booklet.....in a purse....the same colour as the booklet. If it wasn't for my girlfriend taking all my problems and arranging me, i'd still be sniffing around trying to find my arse from my face. Vallerie solanas may say otherwise, but men aren't just walking abortions, we read maps too.

I know what you mean about being alone is easier, like a consistent pain rather than a bombshell of hurt. Life can't always be like that though can it. "the more we risk, the more alive we are" kind of thing. I am going to try and not let my choices be pre determined by the future, I know sometimes that will be silly because it means I haven't thought things through, but sometimes I think I need to participate and live. I can always say oops later.

How long do people usually have to take meds for?

I really wish des o'connor hadn't communicated his feelings, but you're right.

 

[Dollit]

Some people have to look at taking meds in the long term. I can never stop taking mine even though I did have a break a few years ago I lasted only 3 weeks before I was back on them

Some people just need medication long enough to get balanced again.

I think of it as having a chemical missing and the meds just replace the chemical.

 

[saffron]

HI nope real
you have good words of wisdom and seem to be in the a similar ship. Although I dont believe that alll men are 'sh*ts' the ones are seem to find are and have never found one that has proven me different. If there is a b*stad in the crown thats the one who will attract. But Im not a Door matt walk over by any means. I think it is because I put on such a brave face and look like I m a bouncy happy person most of the time they probably think Im not going to be that complicated (although show me a woman who is not). Ive probably answered my own quesstion here but Im n a catch 22 because i cannot let anyone see my vunerable side because I cannot trust anyone with my feelings. this is being going on for 42 years now so I am beginning to think that maybe i was not suppose to be with anyone and am losing the will to try.
I do find being on m own easier but hate the feeling of that bombshell, I cannot even handle my emotions for a simple dinner date and come home feeling really depressed and paranoid.

Your right men do not show their weakness, but I dont like to push them to show it either as I find it rreally painful so would nto want others to go through that.

Your girlfriend sounds great you are very lucky to have found her, and she you because you sound like a great person.

As for taking meds, I do as well, but i think the key is that we should not rely on those alone, but combine them with other therapy, like breathng techniques if you start to panic, or relaxation techniques, or tests to get to know yourself better, that sort of thing. I think its all about the way we think about ourselves that is the key to becoming a sounder person.
I have to do a lot of soul searching, but although i think to myself I a good person I cannot understand why I cannot form meaningful relationships, but cannot ask anyone else because I do not trust them, down that make sense, guess im still going round my mountain.

S

 

[Nope_real]

Thank you for talking to me. I hope you do meet the person you deserve to, who you wont need to tread carefully around. Moving out in january. A girl at work today said she would help me find a place to kick my ass into gear, because at the moment i'm not too bothered, or can't be bothered.

No-one is meant to be anything or become anything, we just become naturally. I'm sure it will happen. It doesn't always need to be a relationship, friendship goes a long way towards filling the void. "Immerse your soul in love".

I'd to like to live far away from here. Somewhere with regeneration, not old buildings and the decay of seaside tourisim. Sometimes I think about just withdrawing all the money i've earnt and vanishing.

Hopefully things will get better soon. I just have to live don't I.