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life and healing

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Emmer

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Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
46
I'm sitting watching geese. I'm not going to worry about esa nor pip. I will not return to work until better. I'm stable but a thousand years from better. I've bought an iced bun from greggs. I've bought the art therapy magazine and some glitter boxes from card factory to decorate with the kids names for xmas. My cousin's kids that is. I'm going home to try and eat a meal and put some weight back on. I cried so much I think the river in front of me might overflow.
 
katya

katya

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Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I'm sitting watching geese. I'm not going to worry about esa nor pip. I will not return to work until better. I'm stable but a thousand years from better. I've bought an iced bun from greggs. I've bought the art therapy magazine and some glitter boxes from card factory to decorate with the kids names for xmas. My cousin's kids that is. I'm going home to try and eat a meal and put some weight back on. I cried so much I think the river in front of me might overflow.
I'm glad you're thinking this way - sorry that you're sad and crying, but it sounds like you've made a positive decision to put yourself first. I approve!

:D
 
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Emmer

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Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
46
Ruth I'm sure I will crumble at some point but right now I'm keeping it together. I keep crying throughout the day. I've been so ill since I left school and I'm hurting. Time to rest.
 
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Emmer

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Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
46
I had a boiled egg and wholegrain bread. Some protein which I don't get much of. It's been hard to eat lately and I've lost too much weight so I'm trying to nurture my body so that my brain can recover.

I've been spring cleaning and tomorrow I will go into town to sign up for a class that starts this month. I'm very isolated so this is important that I spend some time with people once a week.

I've deleted most of the phone numbers in my address book because I seem to be the main one who phones people. I refuse to chase others. They can come to me.

My uncle has been talking about me. He is jealous I have my gran's wedding ring. She gave it me before she died. He is angry and is talking about me to everyone. I'm losing family members rapidly but I have to forget about them as I cannot have people in my life who are troubled because I will crumble. It's life threatening for me, not them, so I have to be choosy who I let in to my life.
 
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Emmer

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Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
46
Cried for hours this evening then felt sleepy. Someone had a go at me and it threw me.
 
katya

katya

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Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Cried for hours this evening then felt sleepy. Someone had a go at me and it threw me.
I'm so sorry. Is this someone who you can cut off? Maybe it's for the best. You don't deserve that.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
I really like the simplicity of your post - focusing on the little things in life that become so much more important when you're trying to heal.

Tears are such a good release. I know what it's like to think that the tears won't stop, but eventually they will. Just let them flow and be kind towards yourself.

It's really nice to read about the small acts of self-nurture that you're doing too.. art therapy magazine, watching geese, iced bun, healthy dinner.
Keep going gently forward, Emmer. It'll be ok. :hug1: x
 
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Emmer

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Apr 6, 2015
Messages
46
I hope it'll be ok. I'm hopeful but scared.

No it's someone I have to have in my life. I just have to try and be a bit more independent from her. That's hard when you are fairly isolated like I am.

I've been to sign up for a watercolour class today. £40 for ten weeks. I hope i make friends. I hope I don't fk things up like I usually do. I've spent my life quitting jobs and running away. I need stability now.

I'm drinking rose tea and eating chocolate coated peanuts. I made myself a roast for some iron. I had fresh oj. I'm trying to look after myself.

I could lay on the floor and never move again. No toilet or sleep or food or anything. Just waste away. How long will this last. I'm tired. I'm hurt. I'm ashamed and I'm scared.

Right. I will take it a step at a time. I will stay in the present. I will do all goid that I can for others. For the people I love I will be here for them. Alongside this I will do nice things for mysel
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Messages
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Location
The West Country
The watercolour class sounds really good.
I bet that's the kind of class that will draw in like-minded people too.
Thing is, even if you don't make life long friends while you're there, it's still really valuable to be getting out and spending time around people.

In your posts, I really see a lot of wisdom and knowledge of what your body needs in spite of how you're feeling, and I think that's a huge advantage. :hug:
 
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Emmer

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Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
46
Thank you S. It'll be good to sit in the presence of others. All my life I've been starved of people. I have put up with a lot of irrational shit from my jealous family. Jealous cousins. They are so angry with me and I don't know why. I've put up with their unkindness because I wanted family and people. Now I have to let them go. I need others to fill that gap.

It's been a long road to self-awareness and I'm discovering new things every day. I'm only stable after most of the past twenty years being ill. Illness makes it impossible to look at your life clearly.

Mum is coming over today. My critical mum with all of her emotional baggage that she has taken out on me my whole adult life. My dad pretended I didn't exist. My sister has either been all over me or missing in my life. I've had to raise myself mostly. That's why it's taken me so long to grow up. Life and family stress. Bipolar. Lots of harm done to me. It reached a peak a couple years ago and I started taking overdoses every Sunday night. Not sure why Sunday's.

Eventually I stopped. I'd reached my limits and it all spilled over.

My life is very different now. Not working is a major part. Distancing the family. Retreating to my flat when mum is being vile.

I have the skin of a rhino now.
If someone has a problem with me they can fk off. I won't put up with shit. If they want to gossip about me then go ahead moron.

It's a shame I had to get like this but I had no shield and that's why I got hurt.
 
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Emmer

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Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
46
My pip form is finished and will be posted registered post on Monday. I'm so relived it is done and i am hopeful it will be good enough without an assessment. I can't be sure though.

I am so scared of working again because last time it went so disaterously wrong. I am terrified of stress, anxiety, arguments. I am super sensitive to criticism. I reacted very badly in the past but nowadays i would either walk out of the building, scream and shout at someone, or cry and slump against a wall. Not exactly the sort of behaviour i want to display in public, especially not in a job i would have to return to the next day. I think my gp would get sick of me going there for sick notes every time i humiliated myself. I'd be there every other week i fear.

There have been family stresses today. My chest and neck were bright red with anger and stress. People spreading rumours. I feel like i cannot cope with life at all, never mind work. If you can't cope with life, with relationships, with just eating and sleeping, how the hell can you manage work too? I'm on my knees begging for esa support group again, and pip to come through. I know that i will at least get wrag but i hear that it might be being ditched. Would i then be signing on? I don't think i could apply for fifteen jobs a fortnight.

Me though. Me. I've been tarting up my flat and it looks lovely. Clean and cosy. Pretty. It is my space and i have certainly stamped it with my stamp. I'm going to the beach tomorrow with my sister and i am going to sit there and breath. I have never seen the sea in normal mood. Not that i can remember anyway. Normal mood plus clear head without many worries, that has never happened since i was a child. I feel like i am experiencing everything for the first time. I say that i haven't been to Boston in normal mood. I am seeing everything through new eyes, through my new pair of glasses. Everything looks different when you aren't depressed. Definition and brightness. It is a strange thing.

I have been colouring my art therapy magazine. It is a life saver in terms of anxiety. It helps me think calmly and work through the worries in my mind and thoughts of the past and future, in a controlled and relaxed way. It is like talking therapy on drip. A little informatioon being let through a little at a time, just at a pace i can cope with. All art work is like that for me. I made a patchwork quilt a few years ago and it was the most healing thing i've ever done.

I am going to have Monday at home, maybe go to the library and drop some books off, then i will go to stay at my friend's on Tuesday morning and come home Thursday. Then it will be geting on with things again. This is the problem with me, i can only deal with one thing at a time. I cannt think past this trip because all of my energy is going into this trip and i cannot cope with anything in addition. It takes so much preparation to go somewhere for the day, never mind overnight.

Despite this progress, or is it? I am really worried, hurt, angry, baffled, but at the same time i have been through revelation after revelation lately. This week i have realised things that have been on my mind, trying to figure out, for years, literally three years i have been confused about something that happened to me, and this week, yesterday maybe it was, i realised what it was. I get it now. It should help to know this, it does, but i am still full of anxiety and terror. I'm trying to keep my act together but it is hard 24/7.

I baked cakes last night and used rosehip syrup a kind friend gave me as it is supposed to be good for you. It is home made and very sweet and fruity. It didn't makes the cakes sweet though so i am having to eat them with butter icing. What a pity :)

I will stop waffling now. I hope you are all having a restful weekend.
 
Unique1

Unique1

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Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Hiya, it's great you have completed the pip form, it's like a relief to complete it I recall, good luck with it. Understand exactly what you say about working.
Your flat sounds cosy, that's nice :)
I do hope you manage some peace with your sister at the beach that sounds lovely.
i know we have to take one day at a time and baby steps so to speak, you sound like you are doing so many good things, it's nice to hear.
x
 
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Emmer

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
46
That's very encouraging, i am so pleased that there are so many lovely people on this forum. The one i came from wasn't very nice, there were lots of arguments.

I am nervous about what the replacement for wrag will be. not only will i lose my dla/pip, possibly, but my esa wrag if i get put on it from the support group, will be £30 per week less! to match job seekers allowance.

The fear has just propelled me into panic job searching. Then i stopped and said i am not ready. I am so very not ready. It needs to be the right job anyway. I cannot manage my old job full time at least.
 
Unique1

Unique1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
That's very encouraging, i am so pleased that there are so many lovely people on this forum. The one i came from wasn't very nice, there were lots of arguments.

I am nervous about what the replacement for wrag will be. not only will i lose my dla/pip, possibly, but my esa wrag if i get put on it from the support group, will be £30 per week less! to match job seekers allowance.

The fear has just propelled me into panic job searching. Then i stopped and said i am not ready. I am so very not ready. It needs to be the right job anyway. I cannot manage my old job full time at least.
Try not to panic. I'm in a similar situation, and I'm definitely not ready for work,it would tip me over. ITs taken me a while to get to were I am,
I'm not going to panic about this one yet, it's too soon, and things never turn out how you think. They have such a back log if things it seems to take them ages to implement stuff at times too.
Enjoy your evening x
 
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Emmer

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Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
46
That's true. I did apply for the job but without working tax credits disability element, i would be really broke. I have just applied and will see how i feel. It's been years since i applied for a job so it felt quite good, but i am very aware i am not ready. I am in the support group until the Autumn, and i might get PIP, you never know. I will go with the flow and see what happens. Like you said, these changes take a long time to come in. I read this morning thought that the abolition of the wrag group of esa was first mentioned bu Iain Duncan Smith in 2013! I was too ill to know it was 2013 in 2013 so missed that one. They can't do anything to hurt me though. My gp would sign restrictions as in i have written what i need a job to be such as no more than three days per week, no shifts, no more than two consecutive days and such and such. She would sign that. It is to prevent relapse. The job centre would have to stick that somewhere.

I woke up and thought 'i'm alive and i am safe' and i smiled. I'm well, mood-wise, but my mind is jelly and needs to set. I've never lived properly and now i can. I'm alive by the skin of my teeth. I made it. Now i need time. I've only just learnt how to use my washing machine, it's been that bad. Funny that ESA talk about washing machine and alarm clocks because i've only just figured out my alarm clock too. Coincidence? How do they know those two things people who are mentally ill cannot do? It is unnerving that we all might have a can't work a washing machine disorder.
 
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