life after the death of my dad

blacksmoke

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#1
thought i would start a thread in the right place!

on monday 30 Jan my dad died after a long and difficult terminal illness. i cant get my head around it.... ordinarily i struggle with emotional numbness. i keep putting off going over to my mother. i feel quite low today. i hate this time between the death and the funeral.:cry:

at times i get so :scared: and then i get "through it" it certainly emphasises the feeling of being alone in this world. i have so much to change i feel overwhelmed and also i am in a no win situation:(

i can see the cracks opening already ...:unsure:
 
blacksmoke

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#3
thanks Burt yeah its tough this is the first time that someone very close has died and so it is all very bewildering. my mother just rang oddly enough...she is going through the bedrooms and sorting through. she will just throw everything away find that hard to deal with ..sigh but its her life:low:

i have ventured monday as a day i would be over next. just need to keep things at arms length. its crap but that is all i know what to do at the mo
 
blacksmoke

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#4
and now i am thinking i should have offered to go over for a couple of hours...but then that would maybe have meant staying the night... maybe this thread will help me to see the dysfunctional thinking and double sided thinking.
 
burt tomato

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#5
Just get through the next days until the funeral. I imagine family will be visiting. The funeral is a chance for closure, and can take your mind off things.
 
blacksmoke

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#6
yesterday i felt the need to sit down and brainstorm what it is that i have regarding the uneasiness in regards to my mother and what my options are.

my dad was an anchor and now that has gone and it feels like a squaring up :eek2: i dont want to be like this and need to change this for me. i dont imagine that my mother will ever change only enough to reel me in.. sigh... did i just say that :low:
 
blacksmoke

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#7
Just get through the next days until the funeral. I imagine family will be visiting. The funeral is a chance for closure, and can take your mind off things.
the funeral is on the 21 Feb in the town where i live ironically as my parents live a good 30 mins away. my dad will be cremated there. yeah i am trying to keep my mind off things and oddly enough i am staying away from the booze. well i know it dont do anything for me no more. so that makes it tough.

yeah closure urm now i wonder how that will go. my bro no 4 is trying to arrange cover reg my mother and being alone in the house at night (bless him) but i have said i cant do this at the mo (frazzled and complications with my relationship with my mother..) so i need to strengthen my inner core somehow. in order to be able to be around her on my own.
 
Kerome

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#8
My whole year of 2016 has had a bit of a theme of loss. First my uncle in early summer, and then my grandmother in the autumn. And this winter there was a very affecting memorial trip for myself and my father to my stepmothers grave.

It's nothing like as severe as losing a parent though. I hope you are ok blacksmoke, just let things sink in, often it takes years to process the death of a parent, they are such large figures in people's lives. Just make sure if there are any memorabilia you would like that you ask your mother for them.

People get funny about possessions and personal space after a death. My aunt waited six months after the death of my uncle and now she is having a big clear-out, she got a dog, she is having new furniture and a new wooden floor laid. My father on the other hand took five years before he could bring himself to clear out the closet with my stepmothers clothes, I think he still has some of them.
 
blacksmoke

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#9
thanks Kerome sorry for your losses. its tough and like every other stage in life there is no instruction manual.

last year my dads sister died whilst my dad was in hospital and a few weeks later my parents celebrated 60 years of marriage i was so hollow in myself it was very difficult experience and also it happened around the time of my own health scare that i was keeping under wraps. i havent managed to grieve for my auntie yet never mind me dad.

yeah possessions my mother is the type to throw anything away. i have to let go of that thought, gosh she is already throwing away stuff. sigh we are all different. to me it just illustrates my toxic thinking.. slap need to stop doing this.
 
TiredTina

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#10
I feel for you blacksmoke, I know how difficult it is. My Dad died 4 1/2 years ago, we were extremely close and it knocked me for six. I still struggle at times. I wasn't as close to my Mum so I found it extremely hard to be with her a lot of the time after Dad died. We ended up having Mum to live with us for a while as she wasn't coping on her own. I found that I was putting all my effort into supporting her and neglecting my own grief. You definitely need to make sure that you look after yourself as well as your Mum. I'm glad that you have siblings who are able to shoulder some of the responsibility.

The time between the death and the funeral is definitely the hardest to deal with as it feels like you're in limbo. I'm so glad that you feel able to talk about how you're feeling on here rather than bottling it up inside.

TT x :hug:
 
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#11
Hi Blacksmoke,

You're in grieving, it is really tough. Keromes's right, it can take years to get over the death of a parent, but I think the hardest time in the grieving process is before the funeral. It's the ritual of the funeral that allows people to solidify their feelings, say their goodbyes and talk about their loved one with relatives.

Grief comes in waves. Years after the death of a loved one, and long after time has healed the wounds of loss, something can trigger the painful memory of a loved one again.

I lost my mother to cancer aged 36. She was 60 and died of cancer. Five years later I lost my brother to cancer, he was only 37 and had a rare and particularly virulent form of cancer. 7 years has passed since I lost my brother and I still find the loss overwhelming at times.

Try not to think badly of your mother. It might not seem like it, but she is grieving to, and dealing with it in her own way.

Try to look after yourself and get out for a walk every day. The fresh air will help. And make sure you eat properly too.

My best wishes
 
blacksmoke

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#12
thanks TT
yes with my dad i guess i did love him although he exasperated me frequently but gradually i was able to let that go over the last 5 years. in the end i could see him as he was a kind, caring, considerate, generous and a gentleman. and many other qualities..he was so the opposite of my mother i really do get what it means now, when peeps say,"opposites attract"

yeah my mother-she has a seething anger and at times she has a running dialogue to herself when she is in the kitchen. its like she forgets we can hear her! and that is what i am keeping my distance from. i really dont know how it will shape up with my mother as she is very prickly and tricky. i dont have the psychology safety tools for it. so i have to work on myself to be stronger to put a stop to her manipulation and sigh yes i have allowed her to do this i guess.

the funeral date was tricky as my dads two sisters had a birthday in this month one on the 2nd Feb and the other sister (who died last year) on the 7th of Feb and then next week its valentines week...

i aint good with grief i have mastered the bottling up of emotions. a few years ago i had 4 funerals that i went to all in the space of 6 months and was numb at everyone of them. i mean that aint healthy is it?

i would like to get to a stage where i can be around my mother...sigh if only the manipulation ...
 
blacksmoke

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#13
thanks Coast2
yeah and there in lies the rub for some of my siblings reg my mothers attitude and relationship with our dad. reckon i will need to take summat to get through it, but then i cant as i will be driving back to the flat after i guess.:unsure:

really sorry that your mother died so young and you only being in your 30's gosh and also your brother how terrible.

yes i am trying to change my thinking reg my mother. i see this time i have left with her as a time to heal the toxic relationship with my mother (decades of it).

sigh walking its way too grey n cold to walk. i do like walking i quite enjoy it. i like to notice things in nature etc
 
blacksmoke

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#14
i am so chuffing angry it seems that "surprise" :mad: no 1 is already about to happen. my sis is being very diplomatic. i am so glad i am at the flat and not due to go over tomorrow. and if my mother tells me about it i dont know how i will respond. she is going to steer me into her shite and expect me to be happy about it. but it all could be totally innocent. but its got my gander up :evil:
 
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Kerome

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#15
I'd try to stay calm, and not get into any emotional states where I might say stuff I'd later regret. Even if your mother is manipulative, you don't have to react to her, it's better to maintain your dignity and keep your honour. After all what part of what she is saying is so terribly important? Often when we look at these things dispassionately things are much smaller than we first thought...
 
BorderlineDownunder

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#16
Hi Smoke

I don't know if you know my friend just lost his wife to cancer on Christmas Eve she was only 38

there was nearly a punch up at the funeral :(

Just remember that right now is probably the Absolute Worst you are going to feel. Once the funeral is over (hopefully no punch ups) the Healing begins.

My friend loved his young wife so much but he is so glad she is out of pain now.

All those months of watching illness, then Nothing. That would leave a massive hole in your life.

Best
BDU
 
blacksmoke

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#17
I'd try to stay calm, and not get into any emotional states where I might say stuff I'd later regret. Even if your mother is manipulative, you don't have to react to her, it's better to maintain your dignity and keep your honour. After all what part of what she is saying is so terribly important? Often when we look at these things dispassionately things are much smaller than we first thought...
nah this is big stuff potentially i first had my suspicions about 15 months ago.....but yeah i need to maintain my integrity and not have her play me
 
blacksmoke

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#18
Hi Smoke

I don't know if you know my friend just lost his wife to cancer on Christmas Eve she was only 38

there was nearly a punch up at the funeral :(

Just remember that right now is probably the Absolute Worst you are going to feel. Once the funeral is over (hopefully no punch ups) the Healing begins.

My friend loved his young wife so much but he is so glad she is out of pain now.

All those months of watching illness, then Nothing. That would leave a massive hole in your life.

Best
BDU

yeah its all very strange as i was on amber alert when i was back here. i had a bag that i just needed to pick up and go for the longest time. yeah i need a miracle and the funeral will be difficult as there is one individual who will be there.......
 
BorderlineDownunder

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yeah its all very strange as i was on amber alert when i was back here. i had a bag that i just needed to pick up and go for the longest time. yeah i need a miracle and the funeral will be difficult as there is one individual who will be there.......
my advice...if you haven't already got some valium, get some...:( :hug:

Change is the most stressful thing a human being experiences, and the Death of a Parent has got to be one of the biggest life changes you can go through. Please give yourself time, you WILL be all over the place emotionally.

I'm so sorry, but also glad your sibs are there.
 
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blacksmoke

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my advice...if you haven't already got some valium, get some...:( :hug:
yeah i rediscovered some but i would be driving back later on a 30 min car journey give or take a jam and speed cameras. i might just take me baccy havent smoked it in ages might roll some up ready for the day.
 
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