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Letting myself get treated badly, help

UnstableSolace

UnstableSolace

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I've been in a relationship with this guy for over a year, and the only reason I have stayed with him is that he ultimatums me every time I attempt to leave, and the ultimatum always being a method to destroy my life and things that I will end my life for. What I usually did before meeting him was push people away, but I cannot do that with him since he refuses to leave (which if you were in this... it's not a good thing at all). He's heavily controlling of me and won't let me even say hello to other people or attempt to have other friends and I have to spend the whole day with him otherwise he will whine and push the blame on me. He calls my self-defence 'ego', lmao that was fractured when I was incredibly young, you won't see that any more because I can't use it. I'm not protecting myself from anything other than ending my life. All I do to defend myself is copy them or tell them off, and they hate it.
He's a paranoid asshole who targets people I talk to and assumes that I want to get in their pants. Like ew wtf I don't even know the person and don't like them. He does that to everyone. Even when
he insulted and victim shamed me for being sexually assaulted two years ago...
He gets me stuck in impulsive states because that's what he likes because he can use me; also his insults about the above come from there, but ignoring the fact that it's impulsivity yet again, and then saying that I'm not asexual and I'd be passionate with kissing... ew no.
I have tried so so so so much to educate him on the disorders but he's incredibly ignorant and only pays attention to anything that benefits him, he doesn't care about me unless it benefits him... same for most people. :|
He's a real problem when I talk to professionals because they're focusing on reading him rather than focusing on trying to understand me, so I've not really been getting far with mental health teams with my personal health anymore as the discussion about his control takes up most of my time I get.

I want to leave but I'm trapped in a trauma bond where I feel like I cannot live without him, so I put up with the delusional accusations of someone who whines whenever he cannot see sexual pictures from me (which I don't like taking but I do it for him). He makes everything his problem, even illogical things such as a simple hello to another person meaning that I'm cheating on him or sth. They all act very similarly to my father, it disgusts me that I'm in this loop. He is probably narcissistic because my father and many previous partners are, but he's being more manipulative and acting involuntarily celibate than the others. I have been able to eventually leave the rest of my partners because they didn't force themselves to stay, and I made another one leave by telling him what my counsellor told me to do. Ever since I left them I've been able to become more friendly and less irritable to strangers. So I need to finally leave this guy because he is the worst with his level of control and it agitates my trauma even more. He's also a predator who has sexual feelings to children, which is why he likes me because my body looks really young (I am 18, he is 31, I do not like the age difference but he doesn't care)... I started dating him because I dissociated in the first week of the relationship, so when I consciously found out his age I wanted to leave immediately. I wouldn't date someone even 5 years older than me but wowie, now I've been trapped for over a year.

I know if I leave him I'll just rush onto another person, but I do not care. Anything is better than controlling relationships, and then I'll finally be able to talk in the present about how BPD affects my new relationship without the weird discussions about this guy. My counsellor isn't looking at the bad things I do and instead looking at his, which I understand, but I cannot get personal help on my self with him in my life. She keeps on telling me to leave and yes I want to... but he will ruin my future if I do and I'm too afraid to call the police. Giving evidence won't really go very well since I'm mentally unstable myself and narcs can easily shift the blame onto me. If I tell my parents I will have to relive trauma and no way in hell am I doing that.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I cannot remember, but was it you that in the past said he isn't perfect but neither are you? Sorry if i have got that wrong.

The fact is, we cannot have a happy life of peace and stability, if we are surrounded by things that make us unhappy and unstable and stressed.

There are safe places you can go, special hostels and housing. Charities can help, the gp can direct you to the right people. Maybe you could start with your gp? They are there for everything, they can direct you to the local places.

I think you need to get away, start again, nobody can control us like this, they can threaten but in reality, you can get away, run away surely? Many people do that now, there are agencies and charities that help women do that.

I'm sorry if i am being ignorant but just trying to help.
 
W

WhySoSerious

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It sounds a horrible place to be for you.

I guess it may be worth looking at the pros and cons of staying with a person that clearly has their own difficulties. I wouldn't want to give him excuses for his behaviour like narcissism, sometimes people are just not all that pleasant.

As Tawny said I think the key thing here is to look at whether you want to move on from him and then make a plan of doing this if it feels difficult on your own. I am also mindful of gently noting that moving from one person to another is almost always a recipe for disaster because we often just move onto another person who has problems too. I went through a big sequence of getting with someone, it being really unhealthy, then moving onto someone else quickly and ending up in a similar situation. Why? Because I needed to have someone to feel "safe". Sadly there are many people who will exploit this need by making them indispensable in our lives.

Good luck! I would google ways to move on. If you are in an abusive relationship remember your search history pls. x
 
P

Purpleplum

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All of the ways he's exerting control over you are what's becoming a dangerous relationship to be in. Please get out before he escalates further. Find a safe place to go and a plan to get out.
 
UnstableSolace

UnstableSolace

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I'll need help to get out of the relationship because I cannot do it myself if he threatens to ruin my life, but I don't have that sort of help from authorities yet.
I cannot remember, but was it you that in the past said he isn't perfect but neither are you? Sorry if i have got that wrong.
I'm not sure myself lol. I don't remember saying that, but yeah neither of us are perfect but that doesn't excuse their toxic behaviours.
There are safe places you can go, special hostels and housing. Charities can help, the gp can direct you to the right people. Maybe you could start with your gp? They are there for everything, they can direct you to the local places.
No, you're not being ignorant, Tawny. I'm glad that you said this.
I would love to do that but I cannot visit my GP because my parents do not allow me to go when I ask them, especially not alone. I do not own a car, there are also no buses around here so I cannot take myself. The most help I have is from my university but I need help externally from that.
When I was a kid, I actually wanted to call up child services and was even willing to walk into an orphanage and ask if they could take me lol, however it works.
 
W

WhySoSerious

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I'll need help to get out of the relationship because I cannot do it myself if he threatens to ruin my life, but I don't have that sort of help from authorities yet.

I'm not sure myself lol. I don't remember saying that, but yeah neither of us are perfect but that doesn't excuse their toxic behaviours.

No, you're not being ignorant, Tawny. I'm glad that you said this.
I would love to do that but I cannot visit my GP because my parents do not allow me to go when I ask them, especially not alone. I do not own a car, there are also no buses around here so I cannot take myself. The most help I have is from my university but I need help externally from that.
When I was a kid, I actually wanted to call up child services and was even willing to walk into an orphanage and ask if they could take me lol, however it works.
Erm why is it your parent's business if you go to the GP? If you are an adult you can make that choice without having to ask surely? Am I missing something?
 
UnstableSolace

UnstableSolace

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Erm why is it your parent's business if you go to the GP? If you are an adult you can make that choice without having to ask surely? Am I missing something?
Yes, I'm an adult.
No, I don't have independence.
I have to ask for permission to do anything here. I can't even buy things with my own money to get delivered home, it's petty.
 
W

WhySoSerious

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Yes, I'm an adult.
No, I don't have independence.
I have to ask for permission to do anything here. I can't even buy things with my own money to get delivered home, it's petty.
That's terrible. So sorry to hear you are in such a crappy position. I feel for you x
 
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