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Learning to live with depression and suicidal thoughts, not acting on it

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dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
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Going to share some of my experience and hope you will share yours.

I feel I've now got to the stage where my outward actions are more controlled and I don't get to the point where I'm really self destructing and actively suicidal. HOWEVER, inside of me, I do feel deeply sad basically all of the time and like things are pointless. This is something I have inside me basically all the time, but I ignore it, and just keep on being alive, I continue either procrastinating or acting. I am essentially functioning like anyone else, but inside I feel depressed and inside I feel like I'd be better off dead.

I don't know if this is my high medication distancing me from my emotions. But I can feel them there, just far away.

Does anyone else get this?

It seems very unhealthy to me, this feeling the emotions, but somehow still functioning like a robot. I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing, a step on the road to recovery.

I'm also questioning why the hell I feel so deeply sad and whilst other humans get depression, and I'm not alone, a whole load of other human beings don't have depression and don't have to feel like this. Why the hell is this?

Anyone else?

X
 
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Girl interupted

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This is what I call my splitting.

I have an almost cold intellectual self that has very few emotions but I also have an emotional side that has been buried or swallowed for so long that it has become stunted. That it takes my therapist to unravel my emotions because they have been suppressed for so long.

I can recognize I feel angry or anxious etc, but it takes me a long time to figure out why. So I cant self-soothe and work it out myself. It’s like intellectually I may be 50, but emotionally I’m 12. Which leads to all sorts of complications like commitment, relationships, etc.

It honestly feels like I have two people inside me, so I relate to a lot of what you are saying.

I would, however, encourage you not to be this way and to work with your therapist on unravelling the distanced emotions. I am convinced all my suppression is the reason why things become overwhelming for me...because I never learned how to properly process what I am feeling. I believe they call it disassociation.
 
D

dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
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This is what I call my splitting.

I have an almost cold intellectual self that has very few emotions but I also have an emotional side that has been buried or swallowed for so long that it has become stunted. That it takes my therapist to unravel my emotions because they have been suppressed for so long.

I can recognize I feel angry or anxious etc, but it takes me a long time to figure out why. So I cant self-soothe and work it out myself. It’s like intellectually I may be 50, but emotionally I’m 12. Which leads to all sorts of complications like commitment, relationships, etc.

It honestly feels like I have two people inside me, so I relate to a lot of what you are saying.

I would, however, encourage you not to be this way and to work with your therapist on unravelling the distanced emotions. I am convinced all my suppression is the reason why things become overwhelming for me...because I never learned how to properly process what I am feeling. I believe they call it disassociation.
Yeah essentially it's suppression, suppression of depression.
Why I have become like this? How? Could it be the high medications. Probably. And knowing that I can't just go on being suicidal and self destructive. But yeah, the feeling is still there.

I guess it's just a distancing from one's emotions. But it's terrible to have to suppress the terrible feelings inside and just carry on 'acting'. I really don't understand how I can get this feeling to go away.

Dissociation I believe is where you become disconnected from the present completely, and it appears to the other person in the room that you aren't 'there'. Usually friends have been able to point out if I'm dissociating, or maybe they are using the word incorrectly
 
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Girl interupted

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Its ok, I have aspects of it, too. Xo
 
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Girl interupted

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I will tell you I have identified where mine comes from. When my BF in my 20s drugged me and let others have sex with me without my consent, I think part of my drugged psyche was present and ashamed, and the disassociation helped to shut down the terror I felt. I still have remnants of it and it kicks in when things are super stressful. Like an off switch.

Try to figure out when yours started so you can at least identify the triggers. It’s good that you are recognizing this in yourself now because it signals a start of healing, even though it doesn’t feel like it. If there was no healing, you’d be oblivious to the light switch.
 
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dewey

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I will tell you I have identified where mine comes from. When my BF in my 20s drugged me and let others have sex with me without my consent, I think part of my drugged psyche was present and ashamed, and the disassociation helped to shut down the terror I felt. I still have remnants of it and it kicks in when things are super stressful. Like an off switch.

Try to figure out when yours started so you can at least identify the triggers. It’s good that you are recognizing this in yourself now because it signals a start of healing, even though it doesn’t feel like it. If there was no healing, you’d be oblivious to the light switch.
It makes me so angry that there's animals on this planet that would do that to another human being... I have no words.

It makes sense the shutting down of emotion to cope with trauma. If the emotion is too strong your body won't want to feel it -a defense mechanism of kind.
At times, I do extremely emotionally shut down and I do become extremely disconnected from reality, only vaguely, if at all aware, that I'm present, in these moments. I definitely have had that experience.

But what I was trying to express with this thread is being highly aware of the emotions yet not acting on them. For me it's different because in the first instance I'm completely disconnected, and in the latter instance, I'm highly aware of the emotions but can't express or act based on them, if that makes sense. So they're kind of two different states. I wonder if these two states are connected.
 
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Girl interupted

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Oh I’m sorry hon, I guess I was projecting. And you know what? That experience, while painful, did not define me. You know what I went on to do with the rest of my life.

But per your topic. Are you talking about ideation? Like suicidal ideation? Obsessing about it, but knowing you won’t actively do anything?
 
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dewey

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Oh I’m sorry hon, I guess I was projecting. And you know what? That experience, while painful, did not define me. You know what I went on to do with the rest of my life.

But per your topic. Are you talking about ideation? Like suicidal ideation? Obsessing about it, but knowing you won’t actively do anything?
I guess the ideas are similar.
But yeah, I am, like carrying the feeling of wanting to die, feeling anhedonia, lack of motivation, extreme sadness, carrying all of those emotions and feeling them there, but nonetheless feeling at a distance from them and not acting on it. I can't really describe what I mean but it's helping to try, so thanks for talking with me. It's basically like carrying depression within but not acting on it or outwardly showing it, just continuing to function, despite the feelings inside, I guess. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes any sense.
 
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Helplessinchicago

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I really identify with that. Every day I just think “is this really it?” Like if I didn’t have an illness would I still feel so empty? Because to me life seems pointless, I don’t get enjoyment out of anything. But I guess that is something we all have to just live with.
 
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dewey

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Like if I didn’t have an illness would I still feel so empty?
You mean mental illness?

Because to me life seems pointless, I don’t get enjoyment out of anything. But I guess that is something we all have to just live with.
Yeah literally every day I'm slogging it out with little to no pleasure in everything I do, feeling why can't I just die, yet I carry on anyway. It's an ongoing thing inside of me. It's fucking terrible. But like, I can't obviously say anything and bring others down. But it's ridiculous I feel this way. Why should I feel this way? It makes no sense yet I continually just feel dead inside.


Thank you for replying it means a lot to know someone else gets this
 
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Helplessinchicago

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You mean mental illness?


Yeah literally every day I'm slogging it out with little to no pleasure in everything I do, feeling why can't I just die, yet I carry on anyway. It's an ongoing thing inside of me. It's fucking terrible. But like, I can't obviously say anything and bring others down. But it's ridiculous I feel this way. Why should I feel this way? It makes no sense yet I continually just feel dead inside.


Thank you for replying it means a lot to know someone else gets this
Yes mental illness (bpd/ bulimia). I just wonder if people who don’t have these issues feel all happy in their lives...
 
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