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Laugh and express and be confident, help please!

M

mwake

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2009
Messages
21
Didn't know where to post this really...please bear with this post if you can...

I've suffered from depression for a number of years now. Pretty much since I was 16 maybe had bouts before when I ws achild but thats haarder to grasp at.

I basically smoked some cannibis for a number of years when I was 16 upward to my age now. I had some really great time smokeing cannibis I suppose as it relaxed me mainly, at times made me paranoid.

I'm average looking guy, some women have said handsome and good looking :). I used to get by on my looks when I was a child and a young man to hide the fact that I was shy and sometimes had panick attacks.

To be honest, looking back I was one dimensional for I always fell back on my looks or intelligence :D, don't get me wrong I've met some great people in my life who have I have opened up to or have seen beneath the 'façade'

Somewhere, ageing kicked in and I couldn't fall back on my good looks all the time, and now its appears so obvious that I can't smile and laugh or shout out loud when Im in public (its alight to be a moody looking young man!!), it's horrible because now its turned into some sort of neuroses wherby I belive something bad is linked with talking loudly showing facial expression and having a laugh.

I am quite intelligent guy and I know I can be witty and quick minded when I want to be and let my self go, but as soon as I breathe outside air my wittiness just disappears...:redface: Also lately last year the same thing started to happen when indoors. I believe that my voice carries indoors and that the neighbours can hear me even when I'm indoors. So sometimes I keep my outdoor act on inside, again its horrible :unsure:! The truth is my neighbours probably might be able to hear could hear if I did shout aloud, but my self confidence hold me back from being a human being expression laughing and light emotions. I'm always whispering or talking softly and its annoying me as well, I was a shy kid but it never used to be as bad as this.

I went through a stage where I dressed like a frumpy grump old man to make everyone think that I was just an old man! But people see through that and because of this I have experienced friendly hassle and sometimes vitriolic hassle as people scream at my house as they pass and say "move out!" we don't want your angry-looking, arrogant picture here any more. Calling me the thirty something year old silent ,vain and 'past it picture' that walks down the road.

Anybody who truly gets to know knows that I am an emphatic and caring, gentle and sensitive man, i'm not gonna say I'm an angel :innocent: or anything, I do get frustrated at times with my self and close friends but feel that most of this is because of my issues.

I hear gossip and hear a range of stuff from "I bet he's a cheeky lad really :p" to horrible comments like "he looks like a murderer/terrorist/paedophile etc!"

As you can imagine these comments really hurt me and don't help my confidence. The things is though some people also comment and say things like "...if he could just find the courage to laugh :LOL: and not take him self seriously he would be all right!"

Its hard work sometimes because all I hear are comments like "I cant wait till he moves out" :cry: I do smile at people but unfortunately people think that I'm a rich snob who is too good to shout out load or talk loudly.

Part of it is too with the fact that I think I'm fairly smart and cultured, this is the problem I hide behind this...:cool:

Like I said earlier its like a something that is set in stone in my head. Im depressed and I have this monotonous sound sometimes when I do speak people think "...oh god he's a posh..." so and so and so my endearance to others is further reduced.

At first I thought it was just Britain :oops:, but I've travelled around the world a bit and even in countries where they don't speak English my 'issues' show and I get the same sort of response...That I'm too physically big a guy and 'hard looking' to be shy.

It is a bit of both sometimes, I put on the act to feel protected , you know? I hide behind my intelligence and civilised nature. I do have a 'WILD SIDE' :evil: but I'm only comfortable with that when I alone or with nearest and dearest.

As I said earlier it has reached a point whereby I'm convinced neighbour can hear my voice if I speak above a certain threshold when I'm inside. This is horrible and the only relief I get sometimes is when I'm drunk or if I'm on in a forest (as I go for walks regulay).

I was looking at the list above thinking "Jesus":eek: feel I suffer from most of the categories on this forums.

But ironically I belive that a lot of things that I belive I suffer from like depression lack of confidence and paranoia all stem from my lack of ability to
laugh out loud. Sometimes when I do go out and feel comfortable with that I find it difficult to speak it almost as if my accent isnt my own and i'm putting on a false impresion to talk to people and the real me is cowering behind:redface:, I hate that too, and I know I've been doing that for years, since I was a teenager or so. There are some cultural issues as well, as I grew up in a 'serious household' where there was not much laughter, some beatings constituting to abuse and at times to much pressure to succeed at being a 'good boy'

Ultimately I have a poor sense of self-identity, and huge low self esteem and confidence. I think laughing out loud is the key but that would mean actually laughing out loud, which I'm scared of!!! :scared:

Please help I don't know if anybody has any ideas for being comfortable with my own identity issues.

Sincerest blessings for anybody who has read some or all of this!!!
 
G

GrizzlyBear

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
971
Hi,

I found your post very interesting. My ex-partner was unable to laugh out loud and I do think it was part of a bigger problem - some of which you seem to describe here. Not that it's not resolvable of course....especially when you seem to have quite a lot of insight.

One of the problems with living behind a facade is that it fools no-one - if people saw the 'real' you they would probably behave toward you in a very different way. But these masks that people use (and we all do to some extent)....when over-used...will only serve to alarm and repel people. People may unconsciously wonder - what is this person hiding?

As with most fears I am sure that facing this issue is what will help you most.
In some ways I am on the opposite side of the spectrum. I laugh loudly and express myself quite openly. I wish I were more centred again because my open-ness leaves me vulnerable. But, perhaps, your mask makes you vulnerable too.

I'm sure a good therapist could help you with this issue. I think there would also be many creative ways to fully discover and express your identity outwith the NHS. A very serious/intellectual friend of mine tried 'primal screaming' with some success....

Grizzly :flowers:
 
M

mwake

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2009
Messages
21
Hi Grizzly Bear, thanks for your words, I like the primal scream idea don't know where to get it from though (done a quick google search). There are a few ideas I'm thinking of like comedy/drama/dance/movement groups.

Its so starnge because I know i can do it! I recently went to a school for 6-7 years olds and did a presentation in front of them and I was so animated and charismatic and felt free to be the fool and play the clown no problem, be myself I guess :) Self confidence and life skills should be taught at school in my humble opinion!!

Thanks again
 
bluenomore

bluenomore

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
5,527
Hi,

Yeah, lots of us hide behind masks and ultimately find that we can't pretend all the time and the mask slips. A great description of this is portrayed by Pink Floyd's The Wall album.

What I will say though, is that this sounds like you are experiencing a lot of paranoia and this has to be linked to your long-term smoking of cannabis.

Despite what advocates of marijuana smokers say, this does cause major paranoia among users and other long-term MH effects. I would seriously look at this as the root of your problems.
 
M

mwake

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2009
Messages
21
Thanks blue, yes I believe that Cannabis is part of the paranoia and I don't hold it in the same light anymore - I prefer to chill out in other ways now.

Its ironic i watched a program on BBC horizon about cannabis and from what i understood it was mentioned that cannabis if grown in a certain way can actually contain anti-psychotic ingredients, but they way it is grown for street consumption means that the THC content is increased (hope I got that right? lol)

In terms of me I don't know what to do directly about the damage that the Cannabis has done to myself (apart from stopping using it), I accept that I get paranoia now which seems to increase with stress, but I also see the paranoia and other issues lessening/easing if I could find my true sense of identity and found some self confidence. I'm not a doctor or anything but this is just what my heart/intuition tells me.

I don't want to go to the doctors who would probably prescribe me some more drugs that numb in some way.


Cheers
 
G

GrizzlyBear

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
971
Hi Grizzly Bear, thanks for your words, I like the primal scream idea don't know where to get it from though (done a quick google search). There are a few ideas I'm thinking of like comedy/drama/dance/movement groups.

Its so starnge because I know i can do it! I recently went to a school for 6-7 years olds and did a presentation in front of them and I was so animated and charismatic and felt free to be the fool and play the clown no problem, be myself I guess :) Self confidence and life skills should be taught at school in my humble opinion!!

Thanks again
Yes, I was also thinking of drama and singing and dance/movement groups. I have no idea where my friend did his primal screaming thing, sorry. Perhaps it also goes by other names - I also have tried googling. Laughter therapy/yoga could be another good one - you can find groups in most major cities.

I agree with you, life skills should be taught in school - how odd that it isn't. This is one reason why I never sent my child to school. Learning how to live, love, think and to express oneself is fundamental to long-term well-being. And these things are not guaranteed in a school environment.
 
bluenomore

bluenomore

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
5,527
Thanks blue, yes I believe that Cannabis is part of the paranoia and I don't hold it in the same light anymore - I prefer to chill out in other ways now.

Its ironic i watched a program on BBC horizon about cannabis and from what i understood it was mentioned that cannabis if grown in a certain way can actually contain anti-psychotic ingredients, but they way it is grown for street consumption means that the THC content is increased (hope I got that right? lol)

In terms of me I don't know what to do directly about the damage that the Cannabis has done to myself (apart from stopping using it), I accept that I get paranoia now which seems to increase with stress, but I also see the paranoia and other issues lessening/easing if I could find my true sense of identity and found some self confidence. I'm not a doctor or anything but this is just what my heart/intuition tells me.

I don't want to go to the doctors who would probably prescribe me some more drugs that numb in some way.


Cheers
I haven't seen that Horizon program tbh, but I would encourage you to see a doctor. You might be put on an anti-depressant that may tilt your brain in a good way. Ad's take at least 8 weeks to start working though (and sometimes a lot longer). I have experienced a marked improvement after being on AD's (Citalopram) for a year. I'm not saying that they are a 'silver bullet' but they may be of help. Also, they are not 'mind numbing' as you described.

You don't say how long you've been off the weed, so it's difficult to know how it might still affect you. I've heard that it takes at least six months after stopping, before you can appreciate how your brain is functioning.

Good luck :)
 
M

mwake

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2009
Messages
21
Hi thanks for your advice, still not sure about ad's I was on Prozac before and although I noticed a slight improvement I felt flat emotionally and also it wore off somewhat.

I am in the second week of being off cannabis, I'm going to stay away from it for a year to find out where I'm at as you said, and then get a clearer picture...

thanks
 
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